Big Brother 4, September 19: I Remember Nausea

“OK, so I cried a lot! Go ahead - get it over with!” laughs Erika at the dinner table. Jack points out that all the girls cried a lot. This brings us to the Great Crying Montage - Alison, Erika, Jun, Michelle daintily dabbing her tears so as not to ruin her mascara, etc. More Alison overdramatic wailing. Dana tells us that Alison cries at the drop of a dime and she doesn’t get how people cry so easily. That doesn’t mean that the editors don’t have a clip of Dana herself with tears running down her cheek, mind you. MORE Alison wailing. “We had so many drama queens in the house it was unbelievable!” sniffs Nathan as if he’s somehow excluded from that statement. Alison in particular, he says, seemed to cry every few seconds, which is the cue for us to see the Alison Overreacts About Her Ring Cutting Her Montage. Apparently while participating in the food challenge in which they had to pair off in teams and dress up as the different food items, Alison’s ring got embedded in her skin. Jun sniffs to us that she was all ready to be “Banana of the Year” when everything had to stop because Alison got hurt; Nathan thought that she broke her finger from the way she was wailing about her hand. Erika calls for a medic. Alison sniffles that she’s sorry; they assure her it’s not her fault, but quite frankly, it is for not bothering to remove her jewelry. Injury risk aside, look at all the high drama and bother that ensued last year when Amy lost her ring during another competition. “Drama queen Ali strikes again!” Justin declares. Alison protests to us that she didn’t cry and that Erika is the one who called for medical attention, not her, but this would seem to be directly contradicted by shots of her running around the kitchen dabbing at her face and doing a remarkable imitation of a factory whistle. She tells us the medics cut the ring off and she could feel the metal snap underneath her skin. Justin says that when he saw her finger afterwards, as much as she protested that the ring went through her skin, the bottom line was that it was two tiny pricks that weren’t even bleeding, so the whole thing was a load of horsesh*t. Heh.

Jack points out that Robert also cried a lot, and we get the obligatory Robert Crying Montage. Justin feels that the most touching moment in the house was Robert getting the letter from his daughter Elena for winning America’s Choice. Once again, Elena reads her letter out loud simultaneously with a sobbing Robert as the footage jumps back and forth between the two. Erika tells us that Robert’s very emotional so his crying never surprised her; she truly believes he was miserable being separated from his daughter. Indeed, it seems like every time he cried was directly related to missing her. Nathan tells us he doesn’t blame Robert for letting his emotions show; in fact, he respects him for it. Jack was happy that Robert won the letter - not just for him, but because he felt it was important for Elena to be able to communicate with her dad as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - think what you will of Robert, but Elena is absolutely adorable, which is why I’m still kind of pissed that Alison and Jun were ripping on her and calling her a bitch on the live feeds. I mean, rip on Robert all you want, but leave the poor kid out of it. There are just some lines you don’t cross.

Dana tells us the competitions were much more than she expected, leading us to the Wacky Competition Montage. Here’s the food competition in which Jack was a strawberry, Robert a big wiener, and Nathan a big chicken; here’s the luxury competition with the spinning chair where Jee smacked into a wall and Jack fell and made his head bleed (it’s explained to us that Jack has a problem with spinning and can’t even handle merry-go-rounds); here’s the clambake FROM HELL in which we see Alison bitch about the octopus but thankfully are spared her braying, “EVERYBODY EATS GEFILTE FISH!”; and I realize I recapped almost all of these. Dana reminisces about the first luxury competition, “Shiny Hiney,” in which they had to get in a pool and rub gelatin all over each other, and I honestly am blanking on this one; it looks like it was the one to get access to the hot tub. OK - they did show it and I even saw the episode. I must be getting senile. Jee sums it up by saying that the competitions were what they all looked forward to the most.

Sign up for Big Brother 5 and you too could live with the likes of Alison and Jun! Don’t everybody run at once.

Jee’s back up with narration duty and tells us that there were some disagreements in the house, leading to the Fight Montage. “Spilling everything all over the f**cking place! What the f**k do I look like - the Chinese f**king cleaning lady?” bitches Jun as she cleans the refrigerator (if I remember correctly, Nathan and Alison were the culprits). Here’s Alison and Nathan boxing and Nathan chortling that he thinks there’s sexual tension involved. Here’s Michelle telling David he needs to walk away right now before she takes all this s**t and dumps it on his head because she’s so mad at him she can’t even finish the sentence without laughing! Here’s Justin calling Alison a liar and the ensuing screaming match. Here’s f**king Jun and f**king Jee f**king telling each other to f**king shut the f**k up, f**k it all to f**k in the Big Brother 4 Players’ version of Who’s F**king Afraid of F**king Virginia F**king Woolf? And here’s Nathan calling Jun a snake and clashing with Alison the week he was nominated.

Jack, saddled with the “Transition” cue card, points out that while there were a lot of fights, there was also a lot of love and romance; you put young attractive people in such close physical proximity and things are bound to happen! Such things as Justin and Alison horsing around in the bathroom, Amanda and David kissing in the storage room, Nathan and Alison cuddling in bed, Nathan and Michelle in bed (I’d forgotten Nathan had a little harem way back when the show first started), yadda yadda. “I’m tired of this camera!” declares Nathan as he pulls the covers completely over him and Alison. Jack tells us that initially, the strongest relationship was between David and Amanda, leading to a David And Amanda Montage. We see Nathan come outside where Amanda is telling David he’s nervous as hell and announce they have the Head of Household Room for the night and put the key around David’s neck. “Why aren’t you going to touch me? Can I touch you?” asks David of Amanda. Clearly the answer would seem to be “yes” as they grab their wine, head inside, and we see THE SEX clip for the 9,427th time. Erika tells us she thinks the biggest romance in the house was between Justin and Dana, prompting a Justin And Dana Montage. Erika tells us you could cut the sexual tension with a knife; Justin and Dana admit there was definite chemistry. Dana tells us once again that Justin is her “breath of fresh air in this house,” which is all the funnier because the accompanying clip shows him wearing THOSE shorts.