Big Man on Campus, Episode 1: The One, the Only

Anyone remember that comment I made about spreading through RNO like a virus? Well, I've now infiltrated the dating shows, if only for this week (and this week only). Our esteemed editor-in-chief found himself without a recapper and I volunteered. What's that old adage about no good deed going unpunished?

Before we get started, let me just 'splain a few things: I was never in a sorority, have never done a body shot off of anyone, and was born before the word "like" infected the English language like Dutch Elm disease. Oh, you'll get a recap, all right, but one that is snarky and sarcastic, 'cause I had to sit through the blasted thing. I should get to have a little fun, no? Forewarned is forearmed...

I know I'm gonna love the show from the opening shots of boys frantically pumping a keg of beer, others tossing a frisbee on a lush green lawn, and cheerleaders forming the ever-popular pyramid. As the announcer tells us, we're at the University of Central Florida. Not an academic powerhouse, to be sure. For all I know, frisbee is a major. In case you think I ride the student body too hard, we're treated to shots of more underage drinkers guzzling alcohol from funnels and bellowing "UCF!" with the school letters painted on their pronounced beer guts. As fifteen perky co-eds walk by, the announcer breathlessly tells us about their search for true love: "These fifteen girls will find the hottest one. He's the one every girl wants to date (shots of boys playing footballs without their shirts on), and every guy wants to be (shots of a weightlifter). He is... the Big Man On Campus."

So, what sets this show apart from The Bachelor? Nothing, except for the underage drinking. As the announcer informs us, once the teens have chosen their teen dream, "the tables are turned and he'll be the one doing the choosing." Setting my gender back another generation, we are told that the girls will engage in a "cutthroat competition" in which "he will be the ultimate prize." In another salute to, or rip-off from, The Bachelor, the girls will room together in a large, stylishly-decorated house. We are told that they will scour the campus looking for candidates, who will then join the girls for an "unbelievable" (read: illegal) college party, "filled with desire" (read: lots of alcohol), "drama and disaster." As if that isn't enough, the night will end with one lucky UCF'er becoming, "the one, the only... Big Man On Campus."

Like every good rip-off, this show has the obligatory spokes-hostess; this time, her name is Whitney. She welcomes the girls (I refuse to call them women or ladies) to the house. One classy contestant immediately pronounces the house "f--g incredible." We are introduced to Miss Manners, named Michaela, an 18-year-old freshman, who declares that going from her dorm room to the BMOC house is like going from "a prison to a palace." Lots of squealing as the girls find the pool, discover the workout equipment, and choose their beds. And we get to meet the desperate singles who fear they might leave their teens or enter (gasp!) their thirties unattached.

There's Melissa, a 20-year-old sophomore who describes herself as very competitive. "I always want to be the center of attention. I love when people pay attention to me." Her way of securing attention at the start of the show is kneeling on her bed and jumping up and down like a preschooler. She notes that girls tend to dislike her competitive nature and dislike the fact that she distracts a lot of guys away from them. Despite these overblown claims, I should note that, with one very brief exception, we do not see Melissa again this episode.

What's a reality dating show without a virgin? It's like an Oreo without its middle, right? Not to worry. We're introduced to Jessica L., a 19-year-old sophomore who believes she's superior to other people because she's still a virgin. Girl's gotta have something, considering her voice is high and tinny and she overpronunciates everything. And what good is a virgin without a party girl to rip on? Natalie fits the bill nicely. She's a 21-year-old junior her friends call "Crazy Natalie" because she'll do "whatever" to get a guy's attention, "make out with another girl, give another girl a lap dance, whatever." Please tell me they room together. Natalie, the only legal drinker we've seen so far, immediately notices the blender and declares it's time for strawberry daiquiris and pina coladas.

Natalie best not run afoul of the next co-ed we meet, Kristina. She's a 19-year-old sophomore who was a wrestler in high school. Actually, she describes herself as a "female wrestler," which makes me ask the question (to no one in particular), could she be a male wrestler? Kristina says she's not a fighter, but you don't want to get her angry. "If you mess with me, I'm able to kiss your a--... And I will."

Pillow fight! Gosh, these co-eds are cute. (The minute they start braiding their hair, I am outta here.)

In between shots of the pillow fight, we are introduced to Kelly N., who describes herself as a jealous girl. She's 20 years old, a college senior, and very competitive. Got it. Can anyone say "catfight"?

Our next legal drinker (I've counted two so far) is Kat, who shows everyone the schoolbooks she brought with her. She's a 21-year-old senior who is ready to meet a great guy. She had one "semi-serious" relationship, but she's never been in love. My take on it? Anyone who describes their relationships as "semi" anything is not ready for love. She probably also uses the phrase, "no takesies backsies."

Another legal drinker! This one is named Diamond (I kid you not). She's 21, a senior, and needs to work on building her confidence. "I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but 'toot, toot!' I am cute, not bad on the eyes, I'm charming, I'm witty, I'm smart, and I'm sarcastic. I'm the whole package." Ever notice how people who are not charming, witty, or smart always have to tell you they are?

We already met potty-mouth Michaela, but she's back to tell us she often lets her emotions get the best of her. She once got so angry, she broke a guy's nose, "but he deserved it." Is it possible that Jonathan from The Amazing Race has a blonde little sister?