Big Man on Campus, Episode 2: Battle of the Campus All-Stars

Welcome to The Bachelor: College Edition, otherwise known as Big Man on Campus (BMOC). It’s morning at PHU (that’s Party Hardy University, otherwise known as UCF – University of Central Florida) and while Diamond refuses to get up, Jessica C. is up and about and sees a flyer on the fridge door, because… well, where else would you put a flyer in a sorority house? The Flyer informs the girls (and even though they are over 18, intellectually, they are still very much girls) that there will be a pool party at 3 p.m. with the BMOC, and that they should “dress to impress” (translation: wear your tiniest bikini).

The girls primp and preen getting ready for the party. Now as a guy, what I know about make-up couldn’t fill a thimble, but can someone tell me why these girls are putting on make-up for a pool party? And is it waterproof (the make-up, not the party)? One girl does half a sit-up and flakes out. Some of the other girls also start exercising, because, you know, guys like their girls nice and sweaty.

Finally, Mr. BMOC himself arrives and is greeted by Jessica C. with a, “Why hello! Nice to see you!” Spending time with 15 girls in bikinis, I’m sure this is what Matt’s parents had in mind when they dreamed of their son attending college. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. Kisses and hugs all around, then it’s down to business.

Melissa interviews that she’s glad Matt was chosen as the BMOC, and she really thinks she has a chance with him. The ladies are having a ball (literally, they’re playing with a ball) when Whitney Drolen, the hostess, comes out and tells everyone that they’re going to be playing three games to help everyone get to know Matt better and for the girls to win some alone time with me, oops, I mean him.

Matt has to choose eight girls to compete in the first game. His first choice is Melissa, who looks a little like Julie from Real World: New Orleans when she smiles. Next up are Morgan (who my esteemed colleague Mel [for whom I am guest recapping] likes to call Blair from Facts of Life, Kelly D., Jessica L. (Virgin), Natalie the Party Girl (who looks like a puppy, with her tongue hanging out like that), Alex (who reminds me so much of Summer from the O.C., it’s scary), Jen (Partonesque breasts, although I think Melissa’s are bigger) and Aimee (the “old” and fragile one). The game is called Bikini IQ. Whitney the Hostess explains that if you answer one of Matt’s trivia questions incorrectly, you are immediately eliminated. The last person left will win alone time with Matt, the BMOC.

And so it begins. Kelly D. gets the first question, “How many states are in the U.S.?” That’s easy right? Not for Kelly, she guesses 52 and is immediately eliminated. Perhaps spending some time with my esteemed colleague Brian Towers can show you just how cool geography can be.

The next question is for Alexandria. “If you drink a six-pack of beer, how many ounces have you consumed?” Alexandria guessed 32 and is eliminated. Not being in college or a beer drinker myself, I had to research this on the Internet. The correct answer is apparently 72 ounces (12 ounces x 6 cans), so Alexandria was only off by… oh about 125%. I guess she’s not a math major.

Jen is up next and is asked, “What do you call a man who is married to multiple women?” In her finite wisdom, Jen’s reply is “Mormon.” Everyone by the pool, including Matt, has a good laugh, and Jen earns the keys to Salt Lake City for her answer. Just kidding. The correct answer, as Matt tells us, is a polygamist.

It’s Jessica L.’s turn. Her question is “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” She replies “Hugh Grant.” Hmmm, Hugh Grant’s dead? That’s news to me. I guess after filming the Bridget Jones’ Diary sequel, he fell off the Edge of Reason and died. Everyone laughs, and Matt tells us it’s really Ulysses Grant who is buried in Grant’s tomb.

Oy! That’s four out of four girls who have answered incorrectly! They say that if you’re around negative people for a long time, their negative energy will bring you down. I wonder if watching people answer basic trivia questions incorrectly makes you more stupid than you were before? Note to self: listen to classical music after typing this recap to regain the 10 IQ points I lost watching this episode… you know, just in case.

Aimee is asked, “How many senators are there in each state?” She answers one, when the correct answer is two.

Melissa is up next. She’s asked, “When year was the War of 1812 fought in?” Melissa thinks for a moment and replies, “1816.” Jessica C. covers her eyes in embarrassment. Upon finding out that the answer is indeed 1812, she replies, “Oh, you gave me a trick question.” Umm, no Melissa, if the answer were 1816, then it would have been a trick question. Her parents must be so proud.

She later interviews, “Oh my gosh. I’m such an idiot!” I can’t argue with that, but I can help you out, Melissa. For the stupidest answer of the night so far (although Jen’s Mormon answer was a close second), you win a one-way ticket to the Clue Bus, equipped with its own Encyclopedia Britannica. Read it. Learn it. Like it.