Big Man on Campus, Episode 3: Toga! Toga! Toga!

It’s the morning after the first Pin Ceremony, and the girls find an invitation at the front door. Funny how the doorbell rang, but the invitation was propped up against the inside of the door. Sherlock Holmes observations aside, let’s move on.

The invitation is for a toga party that Matt’s best buddies Justin (better known as “Blue”) and Remington are throwing for Matt and the ladies. After all, what better way to get to know someone than to have them design their own toga? Well, there’s a personality test, but what fun would that be? The girls love the idea, and Matt thinks it’s a good move too because, “If you can look good in a toga, you can look good in anything.” Who said looks don’t matter? Apparently that’s all that matters.

The girls learn that Blue and Remington will be in charge of picking Matt’s next three dates and will be judging based on what they see at the party. The girls start shaking their groove things in front of Matt, who is wearing on his head what I can only presume is supposed to look like a laurel wreath, which is different than the flower wreaths the girls are wearing. I guess that makes him Caesar tonight.

Ladies and Gentle Readers, we have a new record! It’s less than three minutes into the episode and Matt is already doing body shots of tequila off some of the women, in this case Melissa. Now in case you think Matt is having all the fun, he has some of the women do body shots off of him, including Diamond, who claims to have “never” had tequila. Really? A 21-year-old college senior of legal drinking age who has never had tequila? Why do I find that hard to believe, especially from such a fun-loving girl? That’s probably about as common as a 19-year-old virgin.

Speaking of the doe-eyed, innocent-looking Jessica L., she looks like her eyes are about to bug out of her head when she witnesses the debauchery of body shots taking place in front of her. Blue (who looks a little like Tom Cavanagh, the guy who played the title character in Ed) asks Jessica what she thinks of Matt, considering that he drinks all the time and she doesn’t. She replies that she doesn’t want a boyfriend who’s always “slam drunk,” but because she never drinks, she makes a really good designated driver. Aww, isn’t that sweet? And to think she said all this while displaying a large amount of cleavage. Apparently that part she doesn’t have a moral issue with.

While this is going on, Melissa has been taking time out from partying to get in some one-on-one time with the BMOC himself and tells Matt she’s “ready to handle anything.” Sounds like a come-on to me. Of course this is immediately followed by a make-out session, which is interrupted by none other than Jessica L., fresh from her grilling session with Blue. All that is missing is the sound of a record screeching to a halt. (You do remember records, don’t you? Large, black vinyl discs with grooves used for playing music before CDs were invented… anyone?) Melissa is more than little miffed at the interruption and decides to bail on Matt and Jessica, much to Matt’s dismay.

Michaela decides to forego the time with Matt and concentrate on one of the higher-ups instead, namely Blue. She’s no fool; she knows who’s running the show here and how to get what she wants — alone time with Matt for more than a few stolen minutes.

It’s time for the Miss Sexy Toga competition. Alexandra starts it off and heats things up right away by taking Matt’s hand and giving him a mini lap dance. She tops it off by putting her wreath on his head and kissing him on the mouth. Jamie’s up next and starts strutting her stuff. In the first of the many, many, many interviews with the opinionated Diamond this evening, Diamond claims that Jamie tried to hard to look sexy, and didn’t come off that well. (Maybe Diamond has some dirt on one of the producers, which is why she’s getting so much face time.)

As if that strutting isn’t enough, Jamie knocks Alexandra’s wreath off Matt’s head with one flick of her wrist and replaces it with her own wreath, finishing off with what seems to be the requisite kiss. Matt really likes it and says he thought it was hot. Apparently, Alexandra started a trend as we see a montage of girls including Melissa and Jessica C. going all strip club on Matt’s lap. Others, like Aimee and Jessica L., just start writhing in front of Matt. However, Diamond decides to go a different route. Forget being the Campus Queen, dating or even the wedding ceremony, she’s going straight for the garter removal. Matt obliges of course… with his teeth, no less!

Michaela’s up next and decides to take it a step further – she starts undoing the knot to the bottom of her toga and gnashes her teeth playfully at Matt, who starts undoing the knot with his teeth, only to have his head playfully slapped away by a grinning Michaela. Sass-ay! Matt is grinning like a Cheshire cat and his friends look pretty amused too.

It’s time to reveal Miss Sexy Toga 2004. Now, should the new Miss Sexy Toga not be able to fulfill all of her duties, the first runner-up… wait, there is no first runner up. OK, well, Blue and Remington have decided that the woman with best toga goes to… (drumroll please)… Alexandra. Huh? I looked up “best” in the dictionary and it did not say “least revealing and least sexy.” If they picked Alexandra for the attitude that went along with the toga display, which seems more likely, then their decision makes sense. Either way, Matt interviews that he’s very excited to be spending some one-on-one time with Alex, which is the prize the winner gets. Not only that, but the time will be spent on a romantic midnight picnic at the Campus Fountain.

Jessica C. interviews that, “I totally helped Alexandra with her toga, watched her have an anxiety attack, and… the b**** won!” Gee Jessica, would you like some cheese with your whine? Don’t you know that doing a good deed is its own reward (or, if you’re a pessimist, no good deed goes unpunished)? On the other hand, maybe Jessica deliberately designed an unsexy toga for Alexandra in the hopes of having one less person to compete against. If that’s the case, it sure backfired on her.

So Alexandra and Matt spend midnight by the University of Central Florida (UCF) Fountain, although from the light in the background, it looks more like dusk. They talk and kiss, and Matt sweeps Alexandra off her feet and wades into the fountain while carrying her. Both Matt and Alexandra interview that they had a great time on the date.