Big Man On Campus, Episode 4: Written in the Stars

Many thanks to Gil for recapping and for risking those 20 IQ points while I was gone. I owe you big time. So, what did I miss? Well, Morgan (Blair, from Facts of Life) is gone, but Michaela (BMOC's greek chorus) is still here. Party girl Natalie got the boot, but serious intellect (for UCF, anyway) Kat is in the running. Both Jessicas are gone. Oh, and Mensa member Melissa (War of 1812) is still around. So is "Miss Sexy Toga" (Alexandra).

I'll skip recapping the recap (why prolong the agony), except for the classy comment made by a topless Melissa (I think), while getting a massage from Matt: "I like having you on top of me." Her parents must be doing cartwheels right now. I'm doing cartwheels because, from 15, the field was narrowed to 10, then to six, which is where we are now. I can only hope that the eliminations will be fast and furious and this show will go softly (or loudly, I don't care) into that good night. What will happen this week? And, does anyone really care?

The girls are greeted by the spokeshost (who isn't even given a name anymore) and told they have to dress to get wet. Somehow, the girls decide that means they are going whitewater rafting. This is central Florida, right? Is it known for its rapids? Kat, the 21-year-old senior and resident "intellect," tells us that everyone has their game faces on. Apparently, their game breasts are out and up and ready for action as well. Everyone has fit themselves into a bikini top and is slathering on the lip gloss.

The doorbell rings. It's the campus police. I'm hoping that the whole production has been busted for (a) underage drinking, and (b) destroying whatever good reputation UCF has. No such luck. The campus police are actually part of the show here. UCF must have the most amazing board of regents... The police load the girls into their squad cars and lead them through campus, lights a-flashing and sirens a-wailing, to the university police station. Melissa, Miss 1812, is hurting herself trying to figure out the connection between cops and getting wet.

The girls are shown through the stationhouse and out the back door to find three filthy cop cars. Still stymied, Mel? Just in case the girls hadn't made the cop cars/wet T-shirt connection that everyone on the planet has – and, judging by the myriad of confused looks, I'm guessing they haven't – the spokeshost describes the next challenge. Matt is looking for someone to do some hard work... for a good cause. Glad she clarified that. For a minute I was picturing one of these girls being chosen to clean the frat house. Now THAT's a show I could get into. The good cause here is cleaning the cars of the cops who protect the UCF campus. According to the spokeshost, the campus police protect them. "Now it's time to return the favor." How about returning it in kind? Make the girls serve as bodyguards for the cops? Nope; that wouldn't get them into wet bikinis. Not that I know of, anyway.

The girls will be divided into three teams of two and must clean the cars inside and out, in thirty minutes. The two girls who win will go on a one-on-one date with Matt. Excuse me for knowing any math (I didn't go to UCF), but isn't the sum of one and two, three? Isn't it a two-on-one date? In any event, the others will be on a group date, so even two-on-one beats that. The teams are Melissa and Alex (Team 1), Michaela and Kat (Team 2), and Diamond and Jamie (Team 3). The judge for the task will be Major Mingo, the head of the campus police. Ready, set, go!

Step 1 for everyone: ditch the tops and go straight to the bikini tops. Step 2 for Jamie, at least: ditch your bottoms as well (she has her bikini bottoms on).

Now we can get to some car cleaning. As the teams struggle to wipe some of the mud off the tops of the cars, Jamie laments that she's been paired with Diamond, whom all of the girls agree is high maintenance. I mean, she didn't even strip for the task, people! Diamond (Team 3) and Kat (Team 2) are soon in a catfight (pun intended) over the garden hose they must share. As they struggle, Diamond continues to yell, "sharing is caring!" However, she won't release the hose. Kat eventually wrestles it from her, causing Melissa and Alex to declare Team 2 (Kat's team) their only real competition.

Time's up! Major Mingo puts on white gloves and starts inspecting the cars. I take a moment to ponder how campus donors must appreciate seeing their money used and their alma mater portrayed. While he inspects, Jamie ponders how "crucial" winning the car wash competition is, because "spending time with Matt is so big." She's so articulate, ain't she?

Major Mingo announces the results: he heard Team 3 say, "sharing is caring," but they didn't share the hose. Was niceness part of the judging criteria? They had the hose the longest and their car was not the cleanest. Oh. Okay. Team 1 was reminded there are two sides to a car. They only cleaned one. Yeah, but that's Miss 1812's team. In all fairness, they might not have known there were two sides. Team 2 "actually used soap." I would laugh, but it's just so sad. This is the future of country, America. Look upon it and be sad. Be very sad.

Kat squeals and jumps into a squealing Michaela's arms. You'd think they'd found the cure for cancer. Wait: this is UCF. Never mind. My bad. The spokeshost clears things up and tells the girls they are each getting a one-on-one with Matt; the others get the group date.