The Will, Episode 1: The Devil Wore Prada (and a Lot of Pink)

"74-year-old Bill Long is a very wealthy man. He's often wondered what to do with his money when he's gone. Now, he's made up his mind." Judging from the hour-and-a-half I've just seen, he’d better be donating it to a dog and cat shelter. "He's going to let his family [well, family, employees, and friends of friends and employees] battle it out for the inheritance and with real money, real property, and power at stake, it's gonna get ugly." If that wasn't the understatement of the millennium. "Tonight, a real family fortune is at stake [not really, just one property] and it's everyone for themselves."

As you should already know if you read my preview here, the contestants include only two direct members of Bill's family: his son, Billy, and his 4th wife, Penny. Also battling it out for one of Bill's many holdings is his mother-in-law, his brother-in-law, his stepson, his stepson's ex-girlfriend, an old friend, and two employees. To me, kind of a sad statement on the state of his inner circle, but that's not why we're here. We're here to put "one real family [a real family?] to the test to see who is worthy to become the sole heir." ...To one of the Benefactor's many, many properties and none of his actual money. Guess that additional information wouldn't make for as sexy an intro.

We are greeted by the obligatory reality TV spokeshost, Tony Noakes. "What you are about to witness is a real-life family drama. Multi-millionaire Bill Long has summoned potential heirs to try and prove themselves worthy of his inheritance." Pan to a bad portrait of Bill. "In just a few moments, this mansion will become the battleground of a fierce family feud." And he ain't just whistlin' Dixie, either.

Before the contestants are introduced, we get a smidgeon of information about Ol’ Bill. He's a self-made man, a child of the Depression, who built a fortune that, by his own accounts, will "stay with the family for generations." If that's true, then why are we here? Bill believes that, to be successful, you have be self-motivated. That's how he became a successful land developer in Arizona (Scottsdale, the Beverly Hills of AZ). But his "crown jewel" property is his 560-acre, $1 million ranch in Kansas (Long L Ranch).

Bill seems conflicted, to me. He wishes he were just a "cowman" – I guess at 74, you can't be a cowBOY anymore – taking care of the ranch. He calls it "good for his soul." Then why not do it, B? If I learned anything from my dad dying, it's that life is far too short. Instead, he's "living it up" with his 4th wife, Penny, for whom he's bankrolled a number of boutiques, including Electric Ladyland and the un-ironically-named Floozy.

To whom can Bill entrust his beloved ranch? The show will put the contestants through a grueling series of challenges to test their endurance, integrity, and determination – three characteristics Bill values most. The ranch means a lot to him; he doesn't want to arbitrarily give it away. No, he wants to come on national television where the selection of heir is not determined by him at all (you'll see what I mean). He wants to reward aggression, tenacity, and honesty. I had hoped that he didn't put those qualities in his order of importance, but as you'll see, that may actually be the case, given the behavior of some of the contestants.

Bill has always tried to set an example for his family. He believes that if you don't work hard, you don't get a reward at the end. Too bad this competition really doesn't test that principle. So, who will battle it out for the Long L Ranch?

First to arrive at Tara (that's what the spokesmansion looks like) is 4th wife Penny. She has big, I mean BIG, hair and is sporting a tight red dress with breasts that threaten to jump for freedom at any second. She has also brought her two little, yippy dogs. She looks like Faye Dunaway from Mommie Dearest, complete with overarched, penciled-in eyebrows, heavy makeup, and lots of big jewelry. The New York Times called her a "harridan ... whose extensive cosmetic surgery has left her looking like something other than a mammal." All I could think of was, "typical trophy wife." But no. She's all that and so much more. She describes herself as, "very tough, very smart, very driven, and extremely competitive and vindictive.” When she wants something, she stops at nothing to get it. Truer words have never been uttered. And she's sensitive, too: "Bill's money's rightfully mine. I paid my dues, I put in the time" (my emphasis). "It's not his, it's not mine, it's ours. Nobody else deserves it." Sorry guys... she's taken.

Billy, Jr., who must be Bill's only child (and is from his third marriage), arrives next. Picture Greg Brady, the perm years. "At times, my relationship with my dad has been a little rocky, but I've always loved my dad." His best memories are from his times with his dad at the Long L Ranch. He loves the ranch and will do anything for it. He believes Dad should leave the ranch to him. No worries, Billy. One stable-mucking and Penny should be out of the running.

Penny's mother, Bette, arrives after Billy. She, too has BIG hair; it must be genetic. She admits that it's weird to have a son-in-law who is the same age as she is, but Bill has been wonderful to Penny. "She needed an older person to keep her on the straight and narrow, and he's done it." Makes Bill sound like a probation officer.

Oh my God – Cousin It is in the game! No, wait, it's just Ashley, Penny's son, with a Cousin It "do." Imagine Jeff Spiccoli if a Tribble landed on his head. Bill's been "somewhat" of a father to Ashley. However, "he has a great work ethic and I have a horrible work ethic." You should have no problems there. He'll manipulate anyone and do whatever he has to do to win. Jeff Spiccoli running a ranch? I'd give him the win right now just to see it in action.