Strange Love, Episode 1: The Flavor of Love

VH1 has assembled some bizarre casts of characters for Surreal Life – think Tammy Faye Baker and Ron Jeremy! But the last installment of the show introduced us to two of the most memorable Surreal Lifers ever – Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav and model/actress/ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. They are certainly a study in contrasts – Brigitte, a statuesque Nordic blonde, and Flav a short, black man with multi-braided pigtails and gold teeth!

They had an interesting love/hate thing going on, that’s for sure, and VH1 must have figured that viewers might be interested in a sequel. Thus, Strange Love was born. Can this pair build on the foundation of the relationship that began in the “Surreal” house? Is their attraction at all believable? Can her continental snootiness mesh with his street smarts and grit? We shall see.

The show opens with some clips of Brigitte and Flav during the Surreal Life – the fights, the kissing, and a hint of more. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end, and after a fun-filled two weeks or so, they parted and flew off to their respective domiciles. Although, Brigitte left a fiancé behind, she admits to us that she had sincere feelings for “Mr. F,” as she calls him. For his part, Flav is missing him some Brigitte. For whatever reason, he fell for her hard, and can’t seem to get her out of his mind.

Cut to the theme song and opening credits. I start laughing immediately. In an opening rather reminiscent of 1960’s sitcoms (think Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie) they’ve drawn cartoon characters of the happy couple and written a catchy little ditty that starts out, “They say opposites attract and I know it’s true…” Oh boy, this is going to be something.

For anyone still not familiar with this particular couple’s history, we see some more clips from Surreal Life. Flav and Gitte got off to a rough start. She didn’t like him one bit, but quickly warmed up to him. Flav says, “You could easily fall in love with Brigitte.” Slaps turned into hugs and kisses until finally, they became lovers, I think. He wooed her and she was wooed. We have one more opportunity to watch a drunken Gitte, crawl into bed with Flav.

Then we have a chance to catch up with Flav, who has been working on a new album. He’s in the studio, putting down some tracks, but he’s distracted by thoughts of his blonde paramour. In the middle of a strange love song, he stops dead in his tracks. He’s got to see her. He can wait no longer. We are given no sense of how much time has past since they parted, but this love, or lust or whatever it is, is burning inside and he can’t rest until he sees her.

Meanwhile, in Milan, Brigitte has been reunited with her fiancé, a little Italian guy named Mattia Dessi. Now, while she calls him her fiancé, I would categorize him more as an accessory. Apparently, he waits on her hand and foot – literally holding her cigarette between his toes for her to smoke. Or maybe they were her toes, I can’t really say for sure! They coo and cuddle, and toast each other lovingly. It is downright nauseating. Although she tells us he is 26, he looks more like 18, especially in contrast to Brigitte, who is 41 but looks considerably older.

Anyway, Flav rushes home to pack. He stuffs some clothes in a bag, rushes out the door, and is on his way to the airport. All along the way, he envisions her face – in the sky and as a reflection in a skyscraper. He imagines a news ticker heralding their reunion. All the while, he is calling out “Flavor Flav,” and “Brigitte, I am coming to you.” It is quite comical.

Now here’s where it gets a bit contrived, at least to me. Brigitte and lover-boy are romping around in the apartment, but she has to know Flav is on his way. She has a number of on-camera moments where she talks about how special “Mr. F” (she also calls him “Foofi Foofi” for some reason I am yet to be able to fathom) is to her and how much she loves him. But, she is torn. She claims to love Mattia as well. Oh, what will she do? She sure wasn’t thinking about Mattia when she was frolicking with “Mr. F” in the hot tub – a scene that we are forced to watch at least twice during this show. Yup, they were not kidding around. There was definitely something going on.

Flav arrives in Milan and proceeds to march his unruly self through the airport, telling everyone in his path that he is on his way to see Brigitte Nielsen. He wants to know if people know her, and his fellow travelers are nothing but befuddled at the site of this strange little man wearing a wall clock around his neck, prancing though their airport. At least he doesn’t have on his Viking horn hat, at least yet. I note that the clock he has chosen for the trip looks as though it might possibly be the Syracuse Orange mascot clock, although they have taped across the character so the picture is not visible. How bizarre!

Flav hails a cab and is on his way to downtown Milan. The cab driver speaks almost no English, but that doesn’t stop Flav from talking. Nothing can stop this guy from talking. He describes his love for his “girl” and the cab driver picks up at least that much. They have a good laugh and Flav carries on impressively. The driver is amused, that’s for sure.

Flav has an address for Brigitte, but once the driver deposits him at the location, he realizes that this is not the spot. But Flav hasn’t flown thousands of miles for nothing. No siree. This calls for resolve, and for Flav, that means putting on the giant steel Viking horn helmet that we all came to know and love from Surreal Life. This helmet looked strange enough in L.A., imagine how the folks in Milan react to it! Couple that with his gold teeth and you get the picture!

Flav is in high gear, “Flavor Flaving” all over the place, and asking everyone he meets if they know where Gitte lives. Most try to ignore him, some ask, “What the hell is that?” and others deny any knowledge whatsoever. Finally, and almost too coincidentally, he runs into a guy who actually knows where Brigitte lives.

Suddenly, Flav has what, in a normal person, would be called an anxiety attack. As he approaches the apartment building, his heart is racing and he admits to being fearful. He’s at the door, still scared out of his wits. What if she won’t let him in? No need to worry, Flav. The camera crew is already in her apartment, so unless she is completely clueless (and I don’t think she is), she has to know something is up.