Big Man on Campus, Episode 5: Love You Like a Little Sister

We're almost finished! It's the second-to-last episode, and I can hardly wait. Will the BMOC find his Ms. Right? Will any of them be arrested and/or cited for giving alcohol to minors? Does anyone ever go to classes? What is the ranking of UCF, anyway?

It's morning at the BMOC house, and Kat, 21, Senior, finds a note on the refrigerator about their next challenge. I have to stop and point out that the woman (I use that term loosely) has her hair in pigtails, which only belong on four-year-olds. She's 21, for Pete's sake! Maybe she felt too old, being the only one over 20 left in the competition.

In any event, Pippi finds a note that reads, "Meet at UCF track and field at noon for a big surprise." Kat squeals in delight, which is a fitting complement to the childish pigtails, and promptly drops and breaks a bottle of syrup. The funniest part about that whole scene is that Melissa and Alexandria come to her aid, but none of them know what to do. That's the beginning of a joke, isn't it? How many UCF coeds does it take to clean up a bottle of syrup...

The group assembles on the UCF field and are greeted by three refs and the spokeshost, who welcomes them to their "biggest competition yet." The four girls are battling it out for two one-on-one dates, the "most romantic dates yet." I can't imagine what could be more romantic than tailgating, but maybe that's the midwesterner in me.

But wait: there's a twist. Others will be competing for them, people they know very well – the Moms. A group of middle-aged women in different color net shirts take to the field, and we see them running in slo-mo. Maryann, Melissa's mother, announces she's willing to squash the competition for her daughter. It's like a Hallmark card, isn't it? Gail, Alex's mom, sees her animal instincts come out when one of her children is involved. I don't think she'll be called on to kill and gut anything, but it's a heartwarming thought. Amy, Michaela's dad's girlfriend (mom died), says the other moms have no chance. And Elizabeth, Kat's mom, endears herself to me forever with her comment: "Oh boy! I shoulda brought glasses!"

After the obligatory squeals and hugs for the mommies, the spokeshost explains to the elders what the competition is and what it's for. They also get to see Matt. I would say "introduced," but it's really just a look-see. Matt feels the pressure; it's down to the wire and every competition matters. Actually, if I were a betting person, I'd have already given the win to Alex, but he seems to feel that moms fielding footballs will determine the love of his life so, who am I to criticize?

The first competition, as I said, is a football toss. Matt throws a football to each mom, and the run and catch (or fumble, as the case may be) is reviewed by a referee. Elizabeth goes first. She shoulda brought her glasses, 'cause she misses by a mile. Kat shrieks, only half in fun, I'm thinking, "I'll never get a date!" Not looking like Pippi Longstocking, you won't.

Alex's mom is next and fumbles with but ultimately catches the ball. When it's Melissa's mom's turn, Melissa jumps up and down cheering, but must have left her sports bra at the BMOC house, 'cause she's using her hands to keep the boys at home, if you know what I mean. It's quite a sight. Despite the mammary and motherly support, Melissa's mom fouls out (or whatever it's called in football).

It's up to Ami, Michaela's mother figure, to bring it home, and she catches it and hugs it to her like a pro. I'm impressed.

If catching is the first competition, what is the second? I would have started with throwing and made catching the second competition, but I guess they figure the women all throw like girls. No, the second competition is the all-important touchdown dance. Imagine that your future happiness rests on your mother spiking a football and getting all jiggy with it. Why aren't more relationships tested this way?

Kat grabs her mother's shoulders and looks intently at her. "I really need a date. You know what you gotta do?" Mom replies she does. Kat wants to make sure. "What?" "I'm thinking of jumping around." I adore Elizabeth! Kat tries to give her tips – you'd think, from Kat's intensity, that she was giving Elizabeth directions on how to diffuse a ticking bomb. Maybe her pigtails are too tight. At the whistle, Elizabeth grabs the ball, runs a little with it, spikes it, and does a mean chicken dance.

When it's Ami's turn, Michaela's only real advice is, "no chicken dance, please." She runs a short ways, spikes the ball, and mimes filing her nails. Is that a dance? Alex tells her mom to do something she does at the house, "when you're fooling around, drinking something." Do we have a desperate housewife here? Gail throws the ball high in the air and does the twist. Melissa gives some directions to her mom, who promptly throws them away and does a half-hearted hokey pokey-like dance.

When it's over, the judges evaluate the performances. "Team Michaela" was praised for the longer strides and long arms in the catching competition. Another judge compliments both Team Michaela and Team Alex: "They could move, pretty much, a lot more mobile." Must be a UCF grad. Elizabeth is praised for her passion, and the fourth judge, who must be the head of UCF graduate studies, seems to have not been paying attention. His comment? "This is probably the most important call of my life."