Strange Love, Episode 2: The Smack is Back

This installment opens with a quick review of the first episode. After the catchy little ditty that serves as the theme song, its time to get serious. The sun is on the rise, and the camera pans the bed where Brigitte and Flav lie sleeping. How tender. They awaken, and he tells her she looks cute in the morning. Actually, she looks like a train ran over her face, but no matter. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

Mama enters the bedroom carrying a little tray with coffee, and Brigitte lights up her first cigarette of the day. Ah, the smell of fresh coffee and cigarette smoke first thing in the morning. At least she asked him first if he minded if she smokes.

After having their coffee, they adjourn to the yard. Mama brings breakfast, but Flav wants bacon. He’s not happy but this doesn’t seem to be enough to spoil the sweetness of the moment. Love is in the air? Or something.

The day begins on an interesting note. Mama brings in an engraved invitation on a little silver platter. Gitte has been invited to a formal dinner dance being given by the mayor of Cuomo. Astutely, she realizes that “Foofi Foofi” may need a bit of work before making his debut in polite Italian society. She tells him that she wants him to learn how to eat properly, walk better and stand taller. He doesn’t dig the idea of being “reprogrammed,” but is willing to go along with this since he came all the way to Italy to learn Brigitte’s lifestyle.

Enter Lady Camilla, the “etiquette lady.” Flav tells us that she’s there to teach him some “mannerisms.” I chortle as I watch this prissy woman checking out the American rapper. She suggests that his giant clock pendant might be heavy enough to affect his posture and gently asks him to take it off. Eventually, she is able to get most of his armor off, and then the work begins. Because his posture is rather poor, she has him try walking with a book on his head. This doesn’t really cut it for Flav but I give him credit. He does try and does it with humor.

Trouble ensues, however, when they sit down at the table for the lesson in proper table etiquette. This is suppose to be about which fork or spoon to use, but Flav is so taken aback by the assortment of food that he can’t focus on the task at hand. He makes worse faces than a five-year-old and tells the woman that he will just have to imitate eating. And imitate, he does, at least until the lobster arrives. Then, he gets to cracking those claws and sucking out that meat like a man who hasn’t eaten in a month. Etiquette Lady will probably never be the same after this lesson.

After Lady Camilla flees the premises, Brigitte joins Flav at the table as he demonstrates what he has learned. She seems mollified somewhat, but all of this is really not a good sign. She says she loves him, but doesn’t seem to understand that trying to change a man is futile. What’s interesting is that, while she is working overtime to change Flav, he is missing the opportunity of a lifetime to come back at her about her smoking. She smokes constantly. There is nothing ruder than someone smoking while another person is trying to eat. He needs to confront her on that, I think.

Flav’s next stop is at the tailor. He jets off in a vintage MG roadster, hollering “Flavor Flav” as the car drives on. The shop is quite toney and Flav tries on a variety of dull, boring, brown suits. The two men in the shop aren’t terribly impressed with “Foofi,” and he plays it to the hilt. Finally, he picks up a piece of white, striped wool. Now you’re talking! This is what he wants, and despite the disapproval of the salesmen, this is what he is going to get. He says that he will look like he’s from Sicily!

Flav returns to the villa and the couple has a “moment.” This gets rather bizarre, actually. He tells her that if she were a turkey sandwich, he would eat her up right now. Music starts up and a song begins, mimicking his words. Brigitte does a bit of writhing, demonstrating her assets as the song focuses on breasts – turkey breasts that is. When he tells her that if she were a pizza, he wouldn’t cut her but instead would eat her whole, their cuddling becomes a bit more intense. He tells her, “I’m gonna put you on a plate and eat you up right now.” Please, spare me. This little interlude is hard to describe in words. You kind of had to be there, if you know what I mean.