American Idol 4, January 18: Breaking The Band

Michelle Fisher is a West Nile Virus technician. How many of those can you say you know? I don’t know what she was singing, but I swear I said she sang like she had the virus before Simon does. It’s a no. She takes it well.

Now, Ryan takes us with him as he goes to break the news to Constantine Maroulis’ band that he’s doing American Idol. The band doesn’t seem terribly surprised to see Ryan walk into their practice space. The drummer (a name with a lot of o’s and u’s and s’s) is particularly unimpressed. Constantine says in rock cool that he checked out this audition and it went well, and he’s gonna check it out, so check it out. Somehow, they understand.

Ryan notices Drummer looks a bit peeved. Drummer gives American Idol the finger (we're number one!), but Constantine is his friend so he’ll support him. Ryan, prodding, says this could be the end of the band. Drummer says that’s okay because he knows what they are doing is "so much better." Ultimately, Drummer storms out of the room for a meltdown. Constantine says he doesn’t know what’s going to happen, if he does well on the show, the band may well be done. A great loss for rock and roll it would be.

Back to the auditions.

Jason Smith is quite a character, with a headband that says "5.9%" (apparently, it represents the amount of alcohol in beer and he’s a recovering alcoholic) and a personality that is bordering on the insane. He sings "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" in about six difference voices, none of them very good. He actually seems dejected to hear he’s not advancing.

Franchon Crews is a 17-year-old boxer. She delivers powerfully, but misdirects "A Woman’s Worth" and it’s a tough call. Randy says she was all over the place, he’s on the fence. Simon says she’s not ready, and Randy agrees. Paula adds that Franchon is only 17, which means she has time to put some work in and try it again. The look on Franchon’s face says she has no intention of trying it again. I probably would have put her through, with a caveat or two. Outside she declares she’s going to be the middleweight champion of the world. That’s that.

John Zisa is the son of a mayor who was the son of a mayor. He’s very tan and pretty good-looking, if can sing half a lick, he should get through. He sings a pure "Baby Come To Me" that Randy is not feeling at all. Mark likes it, so does Paula. Simon acknowledges that it’s up to him. I can see the look in Simon’s eye: "good-looking kid, nice smile, nice demeanor, I can market that," but what Simon says is, "you’re on to the next round."

That’s why they keep me on.

All of that seems to be leading to this pivotal moment. Meet Mary Roach. Her clothes are strangely Partridge, her hair last seen somewhere around the little house on that prairie, Mary says it’s her destiny to sing. She walks in before the judges and introduces herself (adding if she makes it to Hollywood, she will change her last name to Guilbeaux because it has more star quality) (???) and unleashes a strange, affected, uneven, bizarre "I Feel The Earth Move." Simon asks how she thinks she did. Not too shabby, she says confidently. From 1 to 10, he presses. She says 8. Simon sees he’s not getting out of this easily and says it was one of the worst performances he’s ever heard. She finds that curious. Simon says her voice was not made for singing. Her frightening answer is, "Which voice would you like to hear. I have many of them." Mark jokes that she hears them in her head, to which she says agreeably, "I think so."

Oh my lord.

Simon asks what are the voices saying now. Mary says that they are saying they didn’t expect the judges to reject her singing. They are also saying that Mark is a hottie, Simon is bigger in person, Paula is prettier, and Randy is thinner. That’s convenient. She says she’s not going to be one of those people who cries, and Simon says they don’t want that. But she’s not going to Hollywood. Mary takes her leave. Outside, an inner storm has erupted to the surface. She commands herself not to cry. Loudly. To the camera, she says everyone tells her she can sing, even random people in the street walk to her and say, "you can really sing!" I’m so sure. Mary takes her bewilderment off to wherever Mary goes.

And so ends the first night. Ryan says 42 happy people are advancing from DC to Hollywood. Tomorrow, we visit St. Louis!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for 16 years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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