Surreal Life 4, Episode 4: A Very Brady Strip Club

As you all know, I missed a few episodes as I was moving. I get back to find that Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) likes things "dirrty," as Christina Aguilera would put it, and that Adrienne Curry never got over her Tiger Beat crush on the Brady boy. Thankfully, some things never change – Chynna (Joanie Laurer) is still loose at the elbow and tipping 'em back like there's no tomorrow. Keep reading and you'll see what I mean...

This week's episode starts at the campground from the last episode, but the morning after. Empty wine bottles and beer cartons litter the space. Jane Wiedlin notes that everyone was hung over and "overly freezing cold," which I'd like to point out must be by California standards. I mean, I'm an Iowan and it ain't even regular freezing cold unless it's 2 degrees with a wind chill of 18 below. Verne must be a Californian; he shouts that it's f---ing cold. He elaborates, telling us that it was "freezing s--t. I mean, my balls were shriveled up." Ewwww. Too much information, V. And Verne, don't ever go to Iowa.

Adrienne tells us about the Adrienne sandwich of the night before, consisting of Adrienne sleeping between Jane and Chris. Must have been an open-faced sandwich, 'cause some time in the night, Jane disappeared, leaving Adrienne and Chris all, all alone. Chris demurs, claiming that he only slept with Jane and "Princess" because that's where the heater was. Yeah, Chris – the heater of luuuuuuuv... Proving my point, Adrienne announces to us that Chris was not what she expected and that she loves him.

Chynna, who doesn't seem to have been part of any kind of sandwich the night before, decides to "end my misery" by opening and swigging from a large bottle of vodka. Might I add that it's REALLY early in the morning? Girl needs help. Adrienne, who is alarmingly fond of booze for a "sober" drug addict, even comments on Chynna's morning tipple. "God, it's never ending!" Chynna takes a big gulp of vodka and then looks at her surroundings. She declares, "we're one big happy family." You and the booze? Markus Schenkenberg, who seems to have appointed himself Chynna's guardian angel, tells us he's worried about her drinking. "She's been drinking a lot. If this is not a lot, I wonder how much she drinks usually." Is she on good behavior for the show? The mind shudders at the thought.

Interestingly, the Surreal Times delivers to campgrounds. The day's paper is delivered to their tent site and Chris reads that the group will ride back to the Surreal mansion. "They will leave the ranch warm memories, life experiences, and really sore a--es." And a doozie of a hangover. Da Brat suggests they start dismantling the campground, and they all start. Well, all but Verne, who sits around the fire pit. Brat notes that he was literally a bump on a log. She chalks it up to his being set in his ways and not wanting to change. I wonder if Verne is feeling all right. I really do. He hasn't had any energy for anything since he got there. Moreover, has he been able to walk around at all? I dislike shirkers as much as the next guy, but he might have a physical reason for not helping out. That, or he could just be lazy. Who knows.

They arrive back at the mansion and Markus declares that his whole body hurts. He lifts Verne out of the van (what about the horseback ride?) by his wrists, or so it seems. It's quite a sight, Verne dangling from Markus's hands. The group heads inside and sees a red velvet curtain blocking their view of the living room. Adrienne wonders what's going on. They pull back the curtain and we see the living room furniture has been covered with white sheets and the producers have added many, many palm trees. Brat explains the living room has been turned into a spa. Glad she explained the look. I was guessing shut-up-house-in-Palm-Beach.

A swarthy gentleman welcomes the gang to the Surreal Life Spa, and Adrienne and Jane squeal and jump up and down. Jane notes that she just wanted to "roll on the floor in happiness." It's the perfect way to follow the day at the ranch. Ah, but it's the surreal spa, people. Let's remember that. VH1 has selected "Master Adam" (swarthy guy) to head the spa. We are told he's a licensed massage therapist; a master hypnotherapist; a "channel" for electromagnetic energy (so am I when I wear socks on the carpet); and uses the Chinese technique of qi gong, healing by energy. Disclaimer: I love massages and get them about once every few months, but I don't buy into the whole healing-your-aura thing.

Jane is automatically wary of Master Adam, but not enough that she foregoes getting into a robe and sitting cross-legged on the floor with the other Surreal Lifers. Chynna has foregone the robe and chosen instead a bright yellow bikini. Does the woman ever wear clothes? Brat is the only one not participating; she's watching it all from the back of the room. Master Adam declares the group to be one person. He tells them there's great light coming from the palm (not sure if he meant hand or tree). "The light will come from God and go into your body." Brat starts at that. "They sitting all Indian style just talking they s--t." She mimics their deep breathing. "Shut the f--k up! It's all bulls--t!" Amen, sister friend.

Master Adam states that he feels connected to some of them. Brat and I smirk. Brat is channeling me at this point, telling us she doesn't but the whole thing. "Just give me the damn massage." She gets tired of sitting there and leaves. Master Adam is still waxing holistic: "Breath is our life and part of this session is what makes you breathing (sic) and concentrate. If there's something inside, let it go." The camera is on Markus at this point, and someone breaks wind. Loudly. Master Adam seems not to have heard. "Ignore all the thoughts, the negative thoughts..." The group is now collapsing in fits of giggles. Chris raises his hand and claims ownership of the emission. Now even Master Adam acknowledges that Chris cut the cheese. "It was him? He's a little too relaxed." Adrienne notes that she never heard such a well-timed fart in her life. And Verne pats Chris on the arm and compliments him. "It was a nice fart."

It looks like it's time to start the massages, however most of the "massages" do not involve actual massaging or even any touching. Jane looks freaked out and calls the spa "weird to the tenth degree," but goes along with it all because it's a new experience. Chynna watches Markus get on a table and lusts after him. "He's super-beautiful." She's waiting to see him get a "little bit wild, a little bit crazy." Honey, you're crazy enough for the both of you. Chris is getting a tonal massage, which consists of getting hummed at. Chris thinks it's "absolutely ridiculous and really frighteningly annoying when you're on another table and trying to just relax." Imagine a high-pitched whining noise that you can't turn off; it's like that. Having it done to him, though, was "wild." As illustration, we see the "masseuse" humming at Chris's crotch while he sits, open-legged, on a chair. Gives a whole new spin to the idea of "full body massage."