The Starlet, Episode 3: The Perils of Product Placement

Don’t email me, I’ll email you.

I think that should be my new tag line especially after last week’s episode when MANY of you thought that I was wrong in saying that Neva had about as much talent as a piece of unbuttered burnt toast. Granted, I didn’t use those words but felt that was pretty much what she had to offer. In my defense, I will point out what one faithful reader emailed to me – Neva was a cast member of the forgettable Surf Girls reality TV show who quit about two seconds into the run of the show for some very lame reason.

Total side point to the Surf Girls thing, when I saw that Neva was from Rincón, Puerto Rico, the first thing I thoughts was “surfing” as that’s where my roommates went on their vacation earlier this year. The fact that they left right before the huge blizzard hit New York City that dumped eighteen inches of snow outside my door is not something that I plan on letting them forget – especially when I leave for my two-week vacation in Italy. Hey! Who wants to come? We’ll have a big reality get together in Venice!

Or not.

Anyway, this week we are going to do without the hot lesbian lip-locking that Neva afforded us as well as the crack monkey tendencies of Courtney, as we are reminded in the opening that these two lovely ladies are no longer around. Dismissed with the creepy tones of Ms. Faye. I swear that voice is haunting me.

Personally, I’m going to kinda miss having Courtney around. She might have been a cocky bitch monkey on crack but at least she kept things interesting. Right now, between the bad soap opera acting of Donna and Katie last week and the Extreme Starlet Makeover we got last week, I’m finding it a little hard to actually take this show probably as seriously I should. Then again, when I have ever taken a reality TV show seriously? But for you, dear gentle reader, I solider on.

As we saw last week, this is the episode that will test our lovelies on their ability to do a commercial on the beach for Garnier Fructis products. Mind you, this is the second time this product has received favorable placement in the show, having already been seen last week in Michelynne’s makeover when she specifically asked if he was using said product on her. Something tells me she was told to actually ask that question rather than pull it out of her butt.

We start off with the lovely ladies all telling us how fabulous they are in front of the camera. Since this is only a commercial they will have no problem doing it. After all, a commercial is, at most, thirty seconds. Learning a thirty-second script should be easy and not a problem at all. In fact, they all think that the test is going to be pretty easy.

But I’ve seen all of these women act. The only ones who will probably pull through and not make me want to wretch are Michelynne, Celine, and Mercedes. Of course, I want Crack Monkey Courtney back for this one because I think she would have added a little extra spunk to her performance. I know I shouldn’t be expecting Academy Award worthy performances but I think what these women are going to be lacking is the ability to make me want to buy their product.

After all, haven’t they heard the criticisms that they have been given by the judges? It hasn’t been all that glowing.

Katie Wagner, our hostess (and incidentally, as I suspected, the daughter of famed actor Robert Wagner), introduces us to our delightful commercial instructor (whose name sadly escapes me). Each potential starlet is given a phrase to use in order to pitch their product in front of the camera. They can say it any way they wanted, but the overall goal is to make the viewer want to jump out of the chair and go out and buy the product. As one friend said, “It’s like making Eskimos want to buy ice from you.” Personally, I refer to this as being able to make the Pope jump up out of his chair to run out and buy a subscription to Hustler.

The girls all take their turns in front of the camera and it’s less than impressive. Donna, our “mattress” (again that’s “model turned actress” for those who missed last week’s recap), is aghast that her modeling skills don’t help her out in the eyes of the Evil Instructor. I guess no one told Donna that models rarely, if ever, speak in commercials. They are there merely for decoration. Pretty much just sit there and look pretty.

In fact, Evil Instructor Du Jour adds an extra twist to the competition – the women are going to be given the opportunity to critique each other. Part of me thinks this is good since I love peer review evaluations as they are generally a little nicer than what you get from supervisors. Part of me also thinks this sucks because this could get really nasty and create a lot of unnecessary house drama. Of course, that’s what the producers want and I have a sneaking feeling that they’re going to get it.

It is all nice and hunky dory between all of the women with the critiquing. There is a little suggestion here or a small comment there but nothing too over the top. I’m sure the producers are getting more than a little perturbed that no one has anything really bitchy to say to their fellow competitors. Personally, I don’t blame them. They do have to live in the same house with each other and, potentially, act with them in a future episode. Why piss them off when you may have to work with them?

Of course, no sooner do I think those things we get our first round of some Bette Davis vs. Joan Crawford action. For the ill-informed, Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, the legendary screen stars that they were at the time, hated each other’s guts with a passion. Joan hated Bette because of her acting background on the New York stage while Bette was covetous of Joan’s beauty. Legend has it that upon the death of Joan Crawford, Bette Davis was asked by a reporter if she could say something “good” about Joan Crawford. Bette’s urban legend response: “She’s dead. That’s good.”