Fire Me... Please!, Episode 1: You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy

Meet Cherise Bangs, a saleswoman from Walnut Creek, California. Today is her first day on the job working at a hat shop called Jeannie’s Dreams. Meet Rachel Stolte, a makeup artist from Los Angeles, California. Today is her first day on the job at a Long Island Boutique called Girlfriends. Meet Kurt Basa, a teacher from Dallas, Texas. Today is his first day on a job working at a coffee house called Awakenings. Finally, meet Katie Wise, a yoga instructor from Los Angeles, California. Today is her first day on the job at Julia’s Clothing Boutique.

If things go right, it will also be their last day on the job.

What none of their co-workers, supervisors, or customers know is that they are playing a game, and their goal is to get fired as close to 3:00 p.m. as possible without going over. While the business owners know about the gag and have helped in putting the hidden cameras to catch all the action, the supervisors of these people aren’t in on it – and they have the power to terminate their employment.

Dave Holmes is the host, and shows the mobile headquarters they will be using for the first round of competition, Kurt verses Katie, who are playing the game in Seattle. Both start their new jobs at the same time. The rules are simple: they cannot break the law, ask to be fired, or tell anybody about the hidden camera show. The winner will receive $25,000. Time to check in with Kurt and Katie, who are playing in Cincinnati, Ohio, and see what antics they are up to.

Kurt’s job starts at Awakenings, a coffee house, with his unsuspecting co-workers Molly, John, and Grant. His boss is Janice, who hates unmotivated people, disobedient people, or know-it-alls. Is she in for a bad day. Kurt enters the place whispering how they are going to hate him. He introduces himself to Janice and gets ready for his apron, which is the uniform of the shop. Except he wants her to toss it to him, after which he tosses it to the floor and exclaims “Touchdown!” Janice asks him to read over the employment stuff, and talks about how he’s never actually read a W4 before – though he’s filled out millions of them. Instead of completing it, he introduces himself to a customer, and says while his name is Kurt, she can call him “T-Bone.” To her friend, he introduces himself as Jim, but says he can call him Pedro. Janice doesn’t look amused, nothing that she can’t deal with him.

Meanwhile, Katie starts her job at Julia’s Clothing Boutique. Her boss is Katherine, who can’t tolerate messy people, slow workers, and people who just can’t “Get it.” Her co-workers are Sally and Esther. Katie assures Katherine she’s worked retail, and Katherine suggests she start by touching and feeling the clothes, getting to know them and where they are located. Katie takes the suggestion to heart and starts getting intimate with the clothes, feeling them up, smelling them, and playing with their zippers. She brings an item over to a customer, assuring her she likes them because they are called “Spanks.” No, I don’t know what they are – and I’m not sure I want to. [Editor’s Note: Wonder if they were Spanx, the brand created by Sarah from “Rebel Billionaire” – ooh, reality crossover!] She tells another customer how scary another piece is. Katherine isn’t happy – and she’s just in the honeymoon phase right now.

Back to Kurt, who talks to John and asks if Dave (apparently the owner of the shop) if he starts everybody at $14 an hour. John says no, and Kurt replies he thought it was kind of big also. Janice shows him how to make espresso, but Kurt says it’s a devil machine because of the steam. He makes one with a maximum amount of slurping, and says it’s too hot. Janice starts saying she can’t train him.

Katherine asks Katie to clean off the top of a clothing rack. She proceeds to take her literally, taking everything off the top of it, and getting on top of it to clean it – while singing. Katherine can’t understand why she’s doing either one of those actions. Then Katie says that they could bring a mattress on top of it and have a nap, with the paper towels as a pillow. Katherine tells Esther she’s going to ask her to go home.

Kurt keeps making the coffee, and yelling out the mix as he presents it, startling a customer in the process. Janice tells him not to shout it out – it scares people away. He ignores the instruction. He then starts doing a running commentary about each coffee he makes.

Katie has a little problem – her hands are cold. She puts her hands under Katherine’s arm, and holds it there. Katherine jokes about her warming up, and says she could walk around with her hand there, but doesn’t know how well it would work. Katie seems to agree, but then says she’s willing to try it for just a little bit – and does. Co-worker Kelly shows up for work and sees the situation. Katie just says she’s warming up her hands. Kelly and Katherine exchange looks.

Back at the headquarters van, Dave tells us that things are looking interesting – Katie is using her boss as a hand warmer, and Kurt thinks Satan lives in the espresso machine. It’s a game – both are living on borrowed time, and it’s not even 11:00 yet. Back to work...

Kurt strikes up a conversation with Grant and finds out he plays in a rock and roll band. He notes some people think that’s the music of the Devil. He claims to play some organ, but he started on the accordion. He wonders if they might get together sometime. The phone rings and somebody asks for Molly. Kurt starts explaining that Molly’s name is no longer Molly, it’s “Pistol.” Molly looks on in horror, as Kurt proceeds to tell the guy on the other end what a lucky guy is his to have her. He calls out to “Pistol” about her call, and gives a whoop at the end. Janice is incredulous.

Katie admits to Katherine that she wasn’t able to feel everything, and needs to go through and feel more things. It might also warm up her hands. Katherine then gives her a lesson on cleaning glass – it works better if she sprays Windex on it first. Katie uses a huge amount, then sings while cleaning it. Next up – she puts a flower on her head, and knocks over a display next to a customer. She apologizes, saying she was thinking about the flower and not looking where she was going.

Time for Kurt to do something he’s been wanting to do all day – build a pyramid out of empty coffee cups. He then asks John to “Take a Shot,” meaning to toss a crumpled newspaper at it. He knocks over some of them, but Kurt thinks he can do better and asks him to “Rack it up for me.” Grant goes back to tell Pistol – I mean Molly – about his antics. However, Kurt throws the newspaper wad at John as hard as he can, and jokes, “You fell for it, dude!” Janice reproaches him with a mild “Kurt!” and motions him over.

Kurt introduces himself to Maggie, a customer, and talks about his work with ambidextrous kids, and how they are trying to train them to only have one dominant hand. He talks about how it hasn’t caught on yet, but as a kid his dad duct-taped his right arm to his body. Maggie talks about her kids, giving their ages, and says he reminds him of one of them. Kurt notes he must be really handsome. He goes back to work, talking about how that lady was into her kids.