Hit Me Baby 1 More Time, Episode 4: Sing When You’re Winning

Vernon Kay welcomes us, with Kristy McNichol’s haircut from 300 years ago. He tells us that for the first time, America’s online vote disagreed with the studio audience – America wanted Howard Jones to win! Oohhh! That’s about all it’s worth. One of the pitfalls of this show. If America disagrees...

...

Nothing. Meaningless. And I really wonder if X is passed out at the gates, because these audiences look too damn happy for absolutely everyone. From Sophie B. Hawkins’ slurred massacre of "100 Years" to Vanilla Ice clearly not doing a cover as he was supposed to, they just clap like trained seals and vote stupidly. I’m kvetching aren’t I?

On with the show.

First up, Baltimore-born Greg Kihn (and his band) who had a couple of the more hummable songs of the ‘80s, "Jeopardy" and "The Breakup Song." Greg always seemed perched for elite status, but that rocket just never flew somehow. Who can figure the fickle public?

Now, here’s Greg, who sadly looks like the guy at the ballpark who sells you the polish sausages for $7.50 a frigging link. Time is a bastard. But, that’s really the only bad news, because Greg and his boys rip through "The Breakup Song" with some actual fire and chops! Greg was never one to sing arias, in fact, his voice was just shy of whiny back in the day. Here, there is a nice meatiness to his voice. I was surprised! Good job!

Greg tells us unnecessarily that they were one of the original Berkeley bands (that crowd has no idea what he’s talking about). They give a mildly confused "wooo!" They would have woooo!ed if he said "penguins have big feet!" And, he’ll be doing another Berkeley band’s hit, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. If they wanted to impress me, they would have done one of Green Day’s punk songs.

Next, Club Nouveau, who for a couple of years were R&B’s next big great shiny new thing. They had a superhit with "Lean On Me" and a reasonable one with "Why You Treat Me So Bad." Vernon said they had four top ten hits, but, once again, he’s wrong. (Who’s doing the research for this fukocta show?)

Well, here they are, and they look like three very nice people. Which makes what I’m about to say difficult. That sucked. There is nothing worse to the ears than when the harmony is not harmonious. They smiled brightly, looked like they were having fun, but only when the bald guy got to let loose did anything come together. When they sang together, it sounded like they hadn’t rehearsed since 1987. Yikes.

They say they will doing Dido’s "Thank You" as their modern hit (second week in a row for a Dido song!). This could be interesting. "Thank You" has the rare distinction of being the only song to chart in its original form and as a sample for Eminem’s "Stan" (one of the more chilling songs ever to hit the Top 40) at the same time.

Come to me for information.

Next up, Glass Tiger, from Canada. Glass Tiger had a nice MTV-fueled run with two bona fide hits in "Don’t Forget Me When I’m Gone" and "Someday." The problem: videos that MTV played to point of instant nausea. Glass Tiger never hit those heights again.

Alan has found one of those shiny suits that the elder rockers were wearing in the late ‘80s and proceeds to do a pretty nice job. It kind of surprises me that I find myself liking the song again. I’m betting they are the audience favorite at the moment. Nicely sung, and give Glass Tiger credit – there are actually original band members playing tonight! Didn’t hate it at all! Their modern hit will be "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon (what happened to them??). I think Glass Tiger could do a decent job of this!

Billy Vera owes his big moment to Michael J. Fox and Family Ties. "At This Moment" was used as a love theme and screamed up the charts as a result. Vera has one of the strangest success stories in music. He recorded the song years six before Family Ties, and suddenly he was an overnight sensation! Then it went away just as quickly. Oh the fickle finger of Fate!

Billy goes right for the jugular, singing with just a piano to accompany him. The band kicks in later, but he sings like he’s never stopped singing this song! Probably because he hasn’t. What else will you hear at a Billy Vera concert? The silly yelping audience misses his big note because they don’t know the song! Reduce the X dosages! Billy says he will be doing Ryan Cabrera’s "True" as his modern hit. Looking forward to that!

Little Thelma Houston burst onto the scene with a by-God disco classic, "Don’t Leave Me This Way." It’s one of those songs guaranteed to have been heard by everyone on Earth at least once. Easy to discount it because it was disco song, as many are wont to do, but in reality, it stands the test of time very well.

Can’t say the same for Thelma. She needs a stylist. What’s going on with that hair? The dress was flattering, but the close-ups... okay, I’ll stop. I hear thunder. That said, she has such a likeable presence, she is the only performer tonight who I wish I could have heard more from! She’s a consummate pro, the audience was nibbling from her manicured palm! Thelma says she’ll be performing "Jenny From The Block" as her modern hit. Just playing! She’ll be doing "Fallin’" and the residual Idol magic in me groans.