Average Joe 4, The Joes Strike Back, Episode 1: Could This Be Magic?

Across America tonight people tuned in to catch Average Joe and, like me, were greeted by President George W. Bush. “Wow,” I thought, “as reality show twists go this one is a beaut, but how did he get the First Lady’s permission to go on a dating show?” Did this mean the Democrats would want equal time and demand a slot on Survivor for Ted Kennedy? But I soon realized that Average Joe was going to start off the season by getting bumped to a later slot for the night. This meant that a lot of people were going to miss the show completely. I decided to take one for the team and finish this recap as quickly as possible so those of you who missed out will at least be able to pick things up next week without being too far behind. NBC is showing reruns of the episodes on the Bravo channel, so check your local listings and maybe you can catch it after all. About a third of the episode was devoted to getting us acquainted with the Joes and you can get all the info on them in my introduction article. But if you haven’t read it already don’t read it yet! Without knowing it, I included a huge plot spoiler in it. I know it’s inconvenient but you might want to read a bit further here before checking out the introductory article. For those who have read the piece already, I do apologize.

The premiere begins with a montage that lasts several minutes. It reveals a number of things that will be happening in the coming episodes, and rather than spoil things further, I’m going to skip the details and reveal them as they actually happen during the season. The most notable things that are revealed are that the ultimate prize for the final couple will be a trip to Tahiti, and the already well-publicized announcement that some of the rejected Joes will undergo makeovers and return later in the season.

The show begins in earnest as the beautiful woman at the center of the show learns that she is going to be living aboard a 15 million dollar yacht, complete with a full crew, for the duration of the show. Anna is a rather stunning redhead who was raised by hard working Polish immigrant parents. She is a model, a rock video star, and holds a degree in business. The opulence of her surroundings moves her to tears, and she hides from the cameras as she becomes overwhelmed by it all. She tells us in a voiceover that the thought of how proud her parents would be to see her amidst this splendor was too much for her to take. Anna describes herself as a hopeless romantic who is always smiling.

As her yacht begins to head to the Land of the Joes, 22 men anxiously await her arrival. This year’s Joes gather in a gym and grab seats in the bleachers. A few moments later the doors open and in walk… three former Joes! Fredo, Brian (the almost-winner of Average Joe 2), and Daaaaavid Daskal are nattily attired and full of a confidence that they didn’t have before their appearances on the show, and the former Joes address the group and tell them what to expect. They give their fellow Joes a bio on Anna and then warn them that the producers are sneaky. Regular viewers know there is a crop of studs that will show up to try and steal Anna’s heart, and the former Joes tell the new crew that this season will be no exception to that rule. But to make matters even worse, this season, four of the Joes will be eliminated before they even get a chance to meet Anna. The former Joes will narrow the field down to 18 men. To my knowledge, Average Joe is the only reality show in which contestants from earlier seasons come back to narrow the next crop of hopefuls. This is also where my introductory article contains the spoiler, for I wrote only about the 18 men who made it past this point. If you read that article, you’ll know in advance which men made the cut.

The former Joes explain that there will be three drills that the guys will go through. After the drills, the guys will all be given T-shirts, with the exception of the four who are being eliminated. The first drill is a round of dodgeball against some of the stud contestants from prior seasons. But not to worry… it’s not the real-life studs. It’s just giant beanbag versions with pictures pasted on them. It’s a good confidence builder, and the Joes attack them with relish. I’m happy to say that not a single Joe was injured in the first drill! The second drill is a talent competition. One Joe, sporting a demonically shaped beard, brags about how he can stuff popcorn up his nose and make it shoot out of his eye sockets. Thankfully, we are spared a demonstration, but we do get to watch the former Joes turn a lovely shade of green as the contestant gives a detailed explanation of the path the popcorn takes on its journey from nostril to tear duct. Dante, a heavyset Joe, comes out next with a ribbon and performs a rhythmic gymnastics routine that has the former Joes convulsing with laughter.

In the break between drills, we see Anna aboard the yacht as it heads toward the marina where she will meet the men. She tells us that because of night school, she hasn’t seen much television and knows nothing about reality dating shows. She also tells us that simple things are what really dazzle her. She says that a little note that says “I love you” means more than any expensive gift. The irony of the fact that she just finished literally swooning with joy over the multi-million dollar crash pad she’ll be staying in appears to be lost on her. Simple things indeed.

Back in the gym the guys are given a mock date with a beautiful woman to help them prepare for what they are about to face. Larissa, the stunning woman from Season 2, is a good sport for an amusing montage of the Joes as they come up one by one and mumble almost identical “how ya doin’” comments to her as they sit down with her at a table in the center of the gym.

The third and final drill is a brutal recreation of a scene from the movie Dodgeball. One by one, the Joes stand in front of automatic ball launchers and get hammered. Fortunately they are spared the “if you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball” challenge and only have to endure actual rubber balls bouncing off of their faces. The first elimination of the season now takes place and I’m sad to say that Mr. Pop Secret does not make the cut. Maybe he can get a job in Orville Redenbacher’s next commercial. NOW you can take a peek at the final 18 in my introduction column!

The 18 Joes are shuttled to the mansion they will call home for the season and immediately decorum goes out the window as they all crash the kitchen and start to pig out. Igor digs in with great relish and is soon shoving anything that doesn’t try to run away into his mouth. The other Joes react in shock and quickly start shoving their hands into their pockets as a precaution. It wouldn’t bode well for their chances if they can only “shake stumps” with Anna when they get introduced, after all! Eventually the group moves to the pool to begin the important process of sizing one another up and splitting into groups for backbiting practice.

Anna’s yacht finally arrives, and she is shuttled to shore in a skiff. The bus full of Joes arrives, and Anna’s face is full of more hopeful anticipation than all the Red Sox fans at last year's World Series combined. The first person off the bus is Dante and anticipation quickly turns to a frozen smile as he stumbles toward her and gives her a rose apparently hand-made out of aluminum foil. As he walks away from her, he begins weeping with joy. “To think I actually have a chance with her…” he tells us as he dissolves into tears. This guy definitely wears his heart on his sleeve!

One by one the Joes come forth and Anna’s smile is now looking as genuine as a Cracker Jack diamond ring. Joshua – the independent filmmaker with a definite resemblance to many folks’ Personal Savior – literally swoops across the sand towards her and scares her half to death. As the bus doors close for the final time, Anna’s face changes to take on a look of resignation. “I get it,” she tells us in voiceover, “these aren’t my usual type physically.” Back on board the yacht, she has a discussion with the producers that isn’t pretty. “At least I know they aren’t psychos,” she says trying to find the silver lining, “I mean… they’ve all been screened right?” To her credit she does admit that she already knows that some of the guys will be hard to cut because they’ve been so sweet to her already.