Fire Me… Please!, Episode 3: Dog Day Afternoon (And Morning, Too)

Last time on Fire Me... Please!, Dave Hill started “working” at a coffee house - except that he didn’t do any work at all, and was eventually fired at 2:39. However, his time wasn’t good enough to beat out Cat Reithman, whose increasingly bizarre behavior in a clothing boutique led her co-workers to believe she was on a drugs. Her singing eventually got her fired at 2:52. In a separate match, Marion Oberle drove her co-workers at a copy shop crazy with her pretzel party and demented chants about how boring the job was, but it wasn’t enough to get her fired until 3:10, while Rob Little lost his job at a BBQ restaurant at 2:30, but was lucky to escape without a serious beating after his repeated insults of NASCAR and everything south. However, both he and Cat did won $25,000 each for less than six hours of mostly not working.

Tonight’s battles feature Angela Kinsey, an office manager from Archer City, Texas, who will start work at a scrapbook shop verses Meryl Chambers, a waitress from Miami, Florida, who will be working at a clothing store. However, the first battle features John Grange, a waiter from Seattle, Washington, who begins work at a smoothie shop, verses Brandon Gibson, a bartender from Memphis, Tennessee, who begins work at a dog grooming business.

Each contestant starts work in New York City at 9:30. Brandon starts off by reporting to Georgie’s Woof ‘n Poof, a dog grooming shop. His coworker is Merilee and his boss is Hector. Hector likes high-energy workers, hates smokers, and detests repeating himself. Brandon starts by asking if there are specific baths for different sized dogs, then gets shown the hot water and cold water for each tub. He immediately gets on Hector’s nerves by repeatedly asking which valve is hot and cold water. He follows it up by, after learning the blue shampoo is used on the faces of each dog, asking if the blue shampoo is used on the body as well. Hector repeats himself, then Brandon asks again if there are different shampoos. He starts drying off the dog, and is then asked to rinse off a dog. Twice. When he still hasn’t done it, Hector shakes his head.

John begins work at Big Apple Smoothie. His coworker is Gustavo, his trainer is Edgar, and his boss is Ozzie. Ozzie doesn’t like sloppiness, hates bad customer service, and has no tolerance for people who don’t take the job seriously. John is told to learn the smoothie list and get comfortable handling the ladle of fruit, shown by Edgar with a “Whomp” and “Boom” as fruit is added. They get an order for a “My Cousin Vinnie.” John makes his first mistake, but he does get his “Whomps” and “Booms” correct. He finally gets one out, but says it looks disgusting. He’s proud of making is first smoothie, but is told that he should learn it since when it gets busy there, it gets busy. He gets some strange looks.

Brandon is asked to rinse off the dog again. Instead he goes into the store and starts tasting the dog treats, then plays with the dog squeak toys. It annoys both Merilee and a dog. He’s finally summoned to the back room again, and is told that a bath is ready and to start on the next dog. Hector goes off to tell the Merliee that Brandon is new, is as slow as molasses, and if he keeps getting interrupted, he’s not going to get any work done. On cue, Brandon calls Hector in for repeated instructions on dog washing. Hector tries to get back to his lunch, but Brandon asks about the rinse phase again. Hector confides to Merilee that Brandon doesn’t know anything about anything.

John is quizzed on what a “Sit and Spin” is. He whispers that he doesn’t think he can say what that is, but is told to study the menu. He then gets the ingredients to a “Wonder Woman” incorrect. He’s told his memory can’t be that burnt. At 11:06, John is given a test on greeting customers. Ozzie wants the best, but when tested, John puts on a stupid grin and jokes about how the customers will love him. A real customer comes in and he greets her in a monotone robotic voice. Edgar tells Ozzie that John is a joker and if he can’t learn the job, he needs to leave. John provides the smoothie, but can’t seem to remember if the customer paid or not. He then tells her that tipping makes him sexy.

Dave checks in and tells us that John is considered a joker, but Ozzie is serious about the smoothies. Meanwhile, Brandon is driving Hector crazy by asking for instructions over and over and over again. Time to get back to work.

The phone rings at Big Apple Smoothie, and John answers his cell phone as well. He proceeds to have a conversation which seems to indicate he’s being stalked. After he hangs up, he’s told that he can’t have personal phone calls unless it’s an emergency. John just yawns in response.

The clock hits noon, and Brandon goes out for a sandwich. Merilee tells Hector there is something wrong with Brandon, and Hector tells her all about how in space and spazzed out Brandon is, then talks about how slowly he works. He’s ready to send him home after lunch. At 12:40, Brandon is eating lunch. At 1:00, he’s pretending to sleep. Merilee tells Hector, who is suitably annoyed.

At 12:09, Ozzie tells John to clean the outside tables, chairs, and glass. Once left alone, he brings out his cell phone and proceeds to chat about his social life, how work kind of sucks, and then says he’s getting dirty looks from his co-workers, who are gawking at him in total disbelief. At 1:10 a customer orders a “Hercules” and John can’t seem to be able to figure out how to make it. It goes on for ten minutes, at which point Edgar tells Ozzie to get rid of him at 2:00.

Dave checks in and says that 2:00 is too early in the game to get fired. Can John stay employed longer? It’s only 1:30, and both contestants still have jobs, despite their terrible work. John can’t figure out the “Sit and Spins” but has mastered personal phone calls, but Brandon’s slow motion work has him hanging by a thread. Time for more “work.”

Brandon starts washing a dog at 1:40, but he’s still doing the initial showering at 2:02 (meanwhile Merilee has finished grooming a dog in that time.) John greets a female customer by asking her what she’s are doing that night. She’s taken aback, and John corrects himself; he meant “today.” At 2:07 Hector tells Brandon he can leave. Instead, he lights up a cigarette, and asks if that is what they do all day. Hector tells him he can’t smoke inside and has ruined the whole room. He sprays air freshener. 2:10 has Ozzie telling John he can leave, but John says he wants to stay for the whole day. He asks if there is a problem, and is told about the personal phone calls. John says he heard Gustavo on the phone (he omits that he Gustavo was on a business call.) At 2:15 Brandon asks if all they do is wash dogs and not smoke. Hector tells him there is no smoking, period. Hector tells him that the job is a bather, and that Brandon doesn’t seem interested, and it’s not working for him. Brandon pushes him at 2:18, asking about him about the job, and finally gets the magic words of “You’re Fired!” out of Hector at 2:21.