The Princes of Malibu, Episode 1: Working at the Car Wash Blues

“Most grown children eventually move away from home. My stepsons did. But then they came back.” – David Foster

David Foster provides the voiceover for the show, telling us about his stepsons. They sleep until noon, don’t have jobs, spend his money, and wreck his stuff. He’s written a few songs, won a few awards, and has done pretty well. However, Brody and Brandon Jenner are the kids that just won’t leave. They’re the children of his wife, Linda Thompson, who dated Elvis for several years and married Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner. The two boys dropped out of school and moved back into Casa La Blanca, their home, and are living like princes - on his dime. Linda is somewhere between the most lenient parent he’s ever known and a pushover. David also includes the boy’s weasely friend Spencer, a permanent houseguest, in the freeloading. The tension in their family has been building until now. Brody’s 21st birthday party was the last straw.

Brandon, Brody, and Spencer had planned the biggest party of the year, using David’s checkbook. Meanwhile, he and Linda were in Mexico, and he tells us he was one margarita away from getting her to see his point. David thinks it’s time for them to move out, but Linda says in other cultures, children live at home until they get married. David replies they aren’t living in China. They come home a day early, and Linda calls the house to tell the boys they landed safely. Nobody answers - not surprising since they can’t hear the phone over the wild party. In fact, Brody will need a new cell phone after his was tossed in the swimming pool. He was holding on to it at the time and made quite a splash when he entered the pool.

Linda and David pull up to the house and see the party. David tells everybody to go home, but Linda just starts mingling with the guests. Brody and Brandon finally notice their mother and stepfather. Their mother is glad to see them, but David smells their breath and shuts the party down, even tossing a guest into the pool to make his point. David doesn’t know if he’s more upset about the party, or just coming home to the same thing yet again. Linda tries to tell him they should hold parties like that, but David is annoyed about a few things.

• Annoyance #1: Somebody is parked in his parking space.
• Annoyance #2: The lights are on in the house.
• Annoyance #3: The house is messy.
• Annoyance #4: Clothes from an unknown houseguest in a closet.
• Annoyance #5: Water running in the bathroom.

While David is off being annoyed, the two boys continue to party into the night, but they don’t know that the party is finally over for them. The next day the maid cleans up the filth, while Linda works out on a treadmill and finally agrees that things have to change. David wants them to cook their own meals and make their own beds, but Linda thinks that is too harsh. She tells him not to sweat the small stuff, and it’s all stuff. However, they eat at the most expensive restaurant in California four times last week on his dime. Linda agrees that Brandon and Brody should find ways to earn their own money. They start a practice run at a family meeting. They decide to reverse roles, with Linda acting tough and David being the nice guy.

David calls them on the intercom, but they are still sleeping - it’s only 2:17 pm. They finally get up and show up at 2:57. Linda immediately apologizes for them, saying they had a late night. Spenser joins them, and David says it’s a family meeting, asks why he’s still here, and repeats that it’s a family meeting and tells him to beat it. David tells the two boys that having 300 people over without telling him was a joke. Brody explains it was his 21st birthday, and it wasn’t 300 people, it was 100 or so. David tells them don’t have jobs, but Brody interrupts him and says he does have one - playing records. David informs him that is recreation, not a job. He tells them they wreck all his stuff, but Brody says they only use it. Linda asks David what the point of having stuff if it wasn’t going to be used. David says he was making his own money at 16, and by 21 he was helping his parents get a house. Brody says they are only staying there until they make enough money to go out on their own, and Brandon says David wasn’t recording at 17, he was playing gigs. David explains it was because he didn’t have parents who bought him $200,000 worth of recording equipment. Brandon asks him not to hold it against him - he didn’t ask for that life. It was his situation, and he’s doing the best he can. David says the situation is going to change. No more credit cards. If they want gas or a wash job for their car, they’ll have to earn it. Their life is a joke - they don’t contribute anything. Linda says it’s just a push in the right direction. They need to go out and show that they can make it.

Brody, Brandon, and Spencer reflect on what David said. Well, not really, they dive into the swimming pool, hit the driving range, and call their friends up for a dinner party. They contemplate their financial future over $700 worth of sushi. Spencer suggests they sell their sperm on Ebay. However, when the bill comes, the hostess explains that their father closed their credit account. They try a credit card next, but it’s been cancelled (when David called the credit card company, he finds there are $8,000 in charges). Brandon, Brody, and their friend’s parents may have a net worth of over half a billion dollars, but they are $622 short of their tab.

David tries again with Brandon and Brody. After kicking some of their friends out (but not Spencer), he asks them how much it costs to maintain the house. Spencer thinks a million or half a million a year... so maybe $10,000 a month. David asks if that is how he does his math. However, Spencer was right - it does cost half a million to a million a year. David asks the boys to contribute something - say $20,000 a month. Brody thinks that is excessive, so David asks for $10,000 a month. If it costs $50,000 a month, doesn’t he use a fifth of it? Brody asks how he is supposed to live while paying David $10,000 a month. David says that’s his point - they can’t afford their lifestyle on their income (which is zip.) Brody says he thinks $1,000 a month is fair. He justifies it by saying he grew up there and loves David. David says he loves him too, but he can’t come home to the kind of scenes he’s witnessed. It’s not fair to him. David asks Brandon what he should be paying. Brandon offers up $1,500 a month. David suggests it be $3,000 a month, and says nothing will thrill him more than if they bought him a house. He wants to motivate them, but he might be a bad parent since he doesn’t know how to do it. Spencer says he’s a great parent. David asks them to get rid of the girls.

So how are Brandon and Brody going to come up with their rent? Well, David tells us they used their combined seven semesters of college to come up with a “complex and well thought out” business plan - a bikini car wash on David’s lawn. Lots of girls, lots of skin, lots of blurred out female flesh. Linda joins them to find out what her sons are up to. When she finds out, she offers to help. Great parent, huh? Stuck in traffic, David talks on his cell phone and finds out Chaka Kahn hasn’t shown up at his house yet - she’s over an hour late. Turns out she’s stuck in the traffic jam of the car wash. Spencer offers to take her to the house on a golf cart - VIP treatment. When David finally gets close to his house, he finds out the cause of the traffic problems. He wants an explanation. Brody calls it work. Linda tells David to ease up. David explains about his client, who he thinks has gone home, but Spencer says he took her to the house on a golf cart. Linda suggests that David “pick his battles,” but David tells her to look at his lawn (which has some nice tire tracks running through it), and tells the girls to put their clothes on. One of the bikini clad girls responds by spraying David with the hose. Linda laughs, but David doesn’t think it’s funny.

As he drives to his house, his car is pelted with sponges. David begins to realize that teaching his kids responsibility might take a little longer than he thought.

Next time Brody and Brandon come up with new moneymaking ideas - selling David’s Grammy awards on Ebay and holding a drive-in movie on his lawn. If they are lucky, they might make enough to cover the legal fees when the police come by and ask for their permit.

Jeffrey Clinard lives in Las Vegas, Nevada, with his cats, Lam and Princess. He can be reached at realityfeedback@bookslv.com.

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