Average Joe 4, The Joes Strike Back, Episode 3: Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer

If anyone has wondered why the producers chose to call this season the year “The Joes Strike Back,” this week’s episode explains it all. In fact, this episode had everything. Brutality and psychological warfare were present in abundance. So were the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. There was a beautiful couple making out in a hot tub, and if that wasn’t enough to titillate, there was also a decidedly unbeautiful couple smooching in a bedroom. On a show where every dreamer is a schemer and every tryst contains a twist there’s no telling what can happen next. If you missed the show this week you missed a lot. We have a lot of catching up to do. Take a seat and relax. I’m gonna dish out all the dirty details.

We begin this week where we left off – with the arrival of the hunks and another makeover of a rejected Joe. There is also a brief preview of what’s to come in the episode, but I will bypass that for the moment to reveal it all in proper order.

The Joes arrive home to the mansion in collective shock. Not only do they have to accept the fact that their rivals have shown up much sooner than they had hoped, but they also have to admit that all of Dante’s doomsaying and theorizing was correct all along. In case they have forgotten his comments, Dante is quick to remind them of his prophetic stature. “I warned you guys and guess what?” he tells the group, “I’m Noah and the ark’s built.” One can’t help but notice he’s being taken a whole lot more seriously than he was last episode and the word “psycho” isn’t even so much as whispered. “We batten down the hatches,” he says, “and the ‘B’ plan is now in effect!” In a matter of moments it’s decided that Dante is to be the organizational head of all actions to be taken against the interlopers. Dante comes up with a strategy where he is considered the insane lunatic of the house. With the backing of the other Joes he will drive the Hunks nuts. It’s largely the same strategy he’s been using all along against the other Joes – you might recall him banging pots and screaming in the wee hours of the morning – and the irony of it is not lost on the group. “I will tell them you’re crazy all day long!” Jason wryly says. “That is not a problem.”

A few moments later, noises are heard outside and Gino announces that the “Ken dolls” are arriving. Dante greets them each as they come in the door by yelling hello in a voice that sounds like a cross between Rocky the Flying Squirrel and an asthmatic camel with the hiccups. Eschewing handshakes, Dante also throws his arms around each of the newcomers as if they were lost sons back from the war. Greg sums up their reactions. “I want to use a good descriptive word…” He then utters a not-for-prime-time compound word that implies that he knows a lot more about Dante’s interfamily relationships than anyone would have a right to know. The other Joes opt to do identical impersonations of mannequins. “It makes it easier for me,” Carson tells us in an interview clip, “because I don’t have to deal with anyone.”

Arthur takes it upon himself to show the Hunks to what will be their bedroom. “All the other rooms are taken,” he tells them. “No they’re not,” he is bluntly told by the hunks as they ignore the bunk beds and begin to prowl the house. Michael and Carson invade one bedroom and start throwing the personal belongings of the Joes who have been using the room out onto the patio. In interview, Michael tells us he feels bad for the Joes. “You see the tear?” he says as he gestures to the corner of his right eye, “I have a tear in my eyes for these guys.” Breaking into a sarcastic grin, he continues, “Oh wait, I’m sorry, no I don’t!”

In another part of the house Gino stands by helplessly as the hunks remove his roommate Clay’s bed entirely and toss it out into the hall. They then empty the closets of all clothes and toiletries and throw them into a blanket that also gets pitched out into the hallway. In the first bedroom Michael and Carson decide to strip the beds down and the linens join the rest of the Joe’s belongings out on the patio.

We then see Dante coming down the outside steps to discover what it turns out are his personal belongings strewn on the patio floor. He is enraged. “They took my bags and ripped them open!” he says. “That’s personal property!” Michael responds by mocking him and saying, “Oh boo-hoo! Keep crying!” Hey, I never said these guys were geniuses. They weren’t hired for their brains and I fully expect more than one of them has an intellect every bit as sharp as a bowl of Jell-O. Dante attempts to gather up his luggage and return to the room only to have Carson slam the French sliding doors in his face. Dante is having none of it and despite Carson’s best efforts, Dante forces the doors back open and comes into the room. Or maybe it was Michael. No, it was Carson… no wait… I’m sorry, but it’s like the Stepford Hunks. To me these two walk, talk, and act, like clones of one another. “I’m just as strong as you are,” Dante tells whichever Studford Hunk held the doors.

“When I got downstairs,” Josh tells us in interview, “Dante was already there and he was confronting Carson.” Whew! Thanks Josh, you really bailed me out on that one. I couldn’t have sorted it out without you. “Carson was getting angry and provoking him and threatening him.” As Josh is explaining all this we see Dante calmly reach over and grab Carson’s suitcase. Carson, with his back to Dante says, “it’s intimidation and we’re moving in.” “Well,” Dante says calmly as he heads for the door with the suitcase, “I’m moving you out.” At this point Carson realizes what is happening and yells, “that’s IT boy!” and chases Dante outside to retrieve his suitcase. We see a quick shot of Clay and Gino listening to it all from upstairs. It’s just long enough for us to realize that anyone depending on these two for backup has made the biggest mistake of their lives.