The Surreal Life 5, Episode 3: Whistler’s Mother Doesn’t Strip

It’s another early morning in the Surreal Mansion, and at 6:30 am Janice’s hair and makeup people have already arrived. Janice is instructing them to make it look sloppy—the just had sex look. Who needs to have two trained stylists to create messy hair? Janice does!

Omarosa squirts out some mousse and the sound scares Janice. To Oma’s face, she says it sounded like a missile; to her stylists, she says she thought it was a “big nasty ol’ poopy fart.”

On the front stoop, Omarosa finds the Surreal Times with a top hat. The tabloid says they will put on a burlesque show for a sold out crowd at a Hollywood night club. Just as Bronson says he won’t do the show, he finds out he will be the emcee. He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or offended. While he wouldn’t be comfortable taking off his clothes, he wonders why he wasn’t “man enough” to be asked to strip.

The remaining six housemates are divided into two teams and will go head to head in a strip battle to the death. Jose’s team is America the Bootyful, and will consist of himself as George Washington, Caprice as Lady Liberty, and Janice as… um…Mary Todd Lincoln after she went insane? Whistler’s Mother? The woman from the painting American Gothic? The other team, consisting of Carey, Pep, and Omarosa, will be the Westward Ho’s. Carey will be a cowboy, Omarosa will be a cowgirl, and Pepa will be a scantily clad saloon girl.

As the houseguests check out their costumes, Carey comes out in nothing but his hat, gun belt and leopard bikini brief to ease some of the tension in the room.

Kitten Deville, professional burlesque artist and runway model arrives to instruct the teams in the finer points of burlesque dancing. Kitten takes off her glove with her teeth while houseguests watch, and then drops the top of her dress to reveal a very modest bra top. Janice says she doesn’t want to be involved in any kind of stripping or burlesque dancing because she is a parent. Kitten says that’s ok, Janice will just show a lot of leg and not take anything off.

Pep and Omarosa on the other hand, get pretty nasty with their Kitten-suggested staged catfight and release Oma’s puppies in a brief wardrobe malfunction. Omarosa says, “my ta tas popped out.”

At the club, Janice refuses to go on after rehearsal, and says “the minute I even show a shoulder it will be in every newspaper in the world because I’m an international superstar.” No, Janice, you were an international superstar. Right now you’re a B list celebrity between projects taking money to live in a carnival house with Balki.

Carey thinks the real reason is that Caprice’s youth and beauty intimidates Janice. Caprice and Jose try to rework their routine to exclude Janice, while Pep tries to talk Janice back onstage. “Pep is a saint,” Janice says and rejoins her team at the last minute. Jose, relieved, has one more beer to clear his head. After all the drama, it’s clear Janice is actually dressed up as Norman Bates dressed up as Mother from Psycho.

America the Bootyful goes on and Caprice’s gloves come off. Her disrobing doesn’t really last long enough but is ok because her red, white, and blue sequined bikini makes up for it. Janice sits on Jose’s lap, and then watches him strut around. Janice’s whole act seems to be taking Jose’s clothes as he removes them and whips them around. I would venture to guess that Janice wears less and acts far sluttier at the grocery store. (Does Janice do her own shopping? She doesn’t even do her own hair!) Jose is embarrassed at the spectacle he made and says even in Japan they will say, “Canseco he naked.”

Out come Westward Ho’s as mock-drunk Carey brings out a bottle and a chair and watches Omarosa and Pepa put on their “show.” Pep struts really well, and Oma looks pretty sexy, too. Janice is vitriolic and calls her “Mr. Ed on crack” as she calls attention to her “stab wounds and scars on her legs.” The choreographed catfight ensues, Pep takes Oma’s top off again and they have yet another wardrobe malfunction. Oma takes Pep’s top off and she just looks good in her glittery silvery bra top. To finish up the scene, Carey tears off his pants and top.

Bronson calls for a vote by applause, and the Westward Ho’s win hands-down, due in large part to Janice’s spinster costume. Caprice is a gracious loser and says the other team deserved to win; Janice is not exactly gracious as she says, “No one gives a rat’s ass that the other team won.”

Back at the mansion, Omarosa receives a call from a friend that her best friend’s father passed away. Oma needs to make arrangements and calls to family and friends, as one would expect after news like this. Janice stands in the hall in front of the phone area and shouts obscenities at Omarosa for not allowing Janice to speak to her children quickly enough.

Oma tells the housemates about Janice’s insensitivity, and they all complain about Janice’s hair and makeup people in the morning taking up their bathroom. Apparently a room was created in the house just for Janice to have these things done. Janice didn’t find her makeup room to be clean enough. She says in order for her to use it, it must be vacuumed because her first day she tried the makeup room and “microfibers cut the insides of [her] eyes.” Bronson calls her an idiot; Janice calls him a drama queen. Omarosa moves out of the double bedroom she shares with Janice because “bitch is crazy!”

Bronson says he has nightmares about Jose’s toenails, and the lights go down on another Surreal day.

Next week: renovating a backyard for a battered women’s shelter. I wonder if Jose will know any of the women there.

Toni is stranded in her ranch house in the middle of the Mohave Desert with nothing but her dogs, horses, cats, children and reality TV to keep her company. She can be reached with questions and comments at celebreality@starband.net.

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