Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back, Episode 5 – Island Girl

Here we go for the first half of our double-dose of Joe this week. Just in case anyone missed the announcement, the finale will air Wednesday night, July 27th. In this episode, we will finally see the rejected Joes return from their makeovers and how Anna reacts to the changes. Being the second-to-last episode, we’ll also see the field narrowed down to just two men – one Joe and one Himbo. Anna faces some tough decisions. As the men redouble their efforts to be the one who wins her heart, will some of them make her choices any easier for her? Can a returning Joe have any hope of competing against the final four men after being rejected once already? The answers are all right here, and some of them may surprise you.

After a brief rehash of last week’s Roller Derby and Big Sting Extravaganza, we join everyone as they get into the limo and head off to the airport. Next stop – Tahiti! The car leaves the Hollywood mansion that has been home to the men thus far and takes what is apparently the scenic route to the airport. As they pass Mount Rushmore, the gang begins to suspect the drive is taking longer than it should. Once they cruise by Madison Square Garden, they are certain they haven’t taken the most direct route. Okay, so I’m exaggerating a little. But even Arthur can’t help but wonder if they are going to JFK instead of LAX. The limo driver informs the group that they have one more stop to make before they go to the airport and then pulls over in front of the plaza with the huge fountains we’ve been seeing in the teasers for over a month. Anna is quite nervous. “I was freaking out,” she tells us. “My heart was pounding and when they told me to stand and look at the fountains I knew something was going to be on the other side.” The guys are left to wait in the car, and their reactions to what transpires are priceless. I’ll let them explain the next few moments in the guys’ own words.

Arthur: “There’s someone standing over there in a suit. Can you see who it is? All I can see is a silhouette.”

Josh the Joe: “No way!”

At this moment the curtain of water from the fountains falls and the eliminated Joshua steps forward with a smile. Anna squints and cocks her head in a darn good impersonation of the puppy in the RCA records logo and then lights up with recognition.

Arthur: “Oh my God. Jesus has been resurrected as a GQ model!” For those who may have forgotten, prior to his shave and haircut (two bits!) Joshua bore a more than slight resemblance to paintings of a certain famous Messianic figure.

Anna cannot believe the difference. “He looks hot,” she says, “what a shock!” He tells Anna that he went on an amazing little adventure, but he’s a bit more candid and open with us. “When she cut me she told me I had a great personality,” he says, “and that said to me ‘You’re a good guy and you may be the one, but look at the way you look. You’re not someone I can take home to meet my family.’” The couple embraces, and Anna can’t hide the smile of astonishment as he moves aside and the fountain’s curtain rises to once again obscure the view in front of her. “I’m so curious,” Anna says in voice-over, “what’s next? Is it gonna be one of my old guys… or somebody else… what’s going on?”

Soon the water falls again and Nathan enters Anna’s sight. There are some things that even the most accomplished poker player can’t hide. When she gets her first look at Nathan in his sportcoat and tie, his new smile bashfully winking at her, one of Anna’s eyebrows shoots up for just a moment. Her look is one of appreciative appraisal, and her pupils dilate so much that we can almost see clear through to the back of her head. “He has such a beautiful smile,” she exclaims to us, “I love a guy who smiles and he just looks unbelievable!” Nathan tells us, “I’m excited about my new look and getting the chance to see Anna again. My confidence level is much higher.” He moves on, and the water once again rises to obscure Anna’s view and…wait. It isn’t obscuring her view at all. She isn’t even looking in that direction. Is she actually still staring at Nathan’s butt as he walks away? I couldn’t get a woman to look at my butt with such open lust if I pasted pictures of George Clooney to it! Work it Nathan!

The producers finally manage to tear Anna’s gaze back to the fountains (or maybe Nathan just turned around and faced her again) as a bemused Arthur says, “the Fountains of Fate once again spout!”

Arthur: “It’s Nicholas, the magician.”

Josh the Joe: “He made himself reappear!”

I have to say it. He’s been gone the longest, but I don’t see a bit of difference from his “before” pictures. He still looks the same to me as he did when he stepped off the bus in the first episode. To be fair however, most of the changes Nicholas made were internal, and I fear Anna won’t spend enough time with him to realize it. “Nick seems very grown up,” she tells us, “(he’s) not talking about magic, and acting very sophisticated.” Okay, apparently Anna spent a bit more time with the guys than we’re being shown. Fair enough.

Arthur: “Can I get some plastic surgery? Maybe remove the bags under my eyes so I’ll be more of a catch?” Maybe some more of that topical analgesic he applied so liberally last week will help!

Once more the waters rise, and those who have been watching all season know what’s coming next. Anna is about to be reunited with the man she eliminated by saying through a curtain of tears that he was “such a beautiful person.” After succeeding in making me seriously consider the value of Depends undergarments for the first time in my life, the fountains once again shut down. The moment Anna sees Dante again, she smiles bigger than the Cheshire Cat. “Hi, Sweetie!” she exclaims as they embrace. “I was very excited about seeing Anna,” he tells us, “because on this show I’ve found out that you do get second chances.” Dante reaches up and gently wipes tears of joy from Anna’s cheeks. “For some reason,” an obviously still emotional Anna informs us, “I see Dante and I just want to cry.” All right you cynics, she meant that in a good way! “I wanted a second chance with you,” Dante tells her as his heart hangs from his sleeve, “and I would do anything. I just wanted to see you, but if I could go with you it would be the greatest thing on earth.” Ah-hah! At least one of the returning Joes is going to Tahiti, it seems! “Dante is just glowing,” Anna tells us with the mascara still pooling in the corners of her eyes, “I think it’s great that the guys were given the chance to change – not just for me, but for themselves.”