Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back Finale – Torn Between Two Lovers

Can we really be at the end so quickly? It seems like just yesterday we watched our hopeful Joes walk into a gym for their first dodgeball lessons and here we are about to watch the final Joe and his Hunk rival go on their final dates with the lovely Anna. Will Himbo Rocky continue to dazzle Anna with his raw sex appeal or will Nathan’s gentle and sensitive nature win the day? Before it’s over both men will stumble in ways that uniquely match their own personality quirks. Anna will find a silver lining for in of them. It’s a battle of fire & nice. Which one will Anna choose?

The finale begins with the usual recap to explain how we got to where we are in the season. I’ll spare you the details so we can get right to the meat of the matter. Rocky tells us that he awoke to a note under his door telling him to go to the waterfall where he shared his last date with Anna. Hoping for a replay of the scorching make-out session that was the high point of that occasion, he races to the scene. As he arrives, an attractive older woman comes strolling up with a mountain bike of her own. Rocky doesn’t know what to expect. He tells us that because of the twists and turns the show has taken that he thought the woman might be Anna in another extravagant disguise. In heavily accented English she introduces herself to him as Halina, Anna’s mother. She tells us that she’s here to get a look at the final two men and offer Anna some advice as to which one to choose.

Rocky looks as if he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Halina’s first request is for him to tell her about his dates with Anna. His eyes dart over to the waterfall where just a day earlier he and this woman’s daughter held a grope-a-thon and you can almost hear his breakfast start to do the lambada in his stomach. Prior episodes have already shown us that, intellectually, Rocky lacks some oomph. He may be great to look at, but I fear he’s the sort who sees “wet floor” signs and reaches for his fly thinking it’s a command. In sympathy I turned up the “brightness” knob on my television, but sadly, it didn’t work for him.

Halina wastes no time. In rapid-fire succession she peppers him with the big questions. “What do you think about my daughter? What are you expecting from the relationship? Do you like my daughter?” His replies are, in order, “Uhm,” “errr,” and a blank stare. “Usually when you meet parents you have 45 minutes to an hour to look in the mirror and prepare,” he tells us. “I had no time at all.” Halina continues with an interrogation that is so efficient it could be used as a detective training film. “Do you think your relationship will last in the real world?” At this, Rocky finally gets his tongue unglued from the roof of his mouth. “Yes… I do,” he says as seriously as a mortician. Halina gives us the results of her third degree: “I’m asking him questions and he’s asking nothing of me. He isn’t asking about my life… he just doesn’t seem interested.”

In desperation, Rocky resorts to his tried and true responses. If you could buy a Rocky action figure, these are the things he would say when you pulled his string. In fact, they should give him his own series. It would be a smash because college kids everywhere would turn it into a drinking game. Every time he says, “I’m a dreamer,” or “I’m an actor and a model,” you drink a shot. By the closing credits you’d be too drunk to walk home. Halina asks him what he will do if it doesn’t work out. She’s no doubt wondering if he’ll finish college, get a job in an office, or find a stable way to provide for Anna. “Community theater,” is his response. Halina looks like she just swallowed a live eel.

The pair walk over closer to the waterfall and Halina comments on what a romantic spot it is. “The water’s cold though,” Rocky tells her. “You’ve already tried it?” she asks. Oh, if those rocks could talk! In interview Rocky tells us that being in that spot and reminiscing about his date was “awkward and really weird.” To help us out, the director superimposes shots of Rocky and Anna grabbing and pawing one another on their date over Rocky’s profile. A shiver goes through the man, prompting Halina to ask, “Aren’t you cold?” Rocky manages to stammer, “no ma’am,” and I’d bet a week’s pay that this whole meeting has been bad enough for Rocky that he’ll consider being kicked in the groin “good times” in comparison. Sadly, the nightmare is not over for him.

As they sit down for lunch, (this show has more picnic baskets than Yogi Bear) Halina hauls out the heavy artillery. “Rocky is very, very good looking,” she tells us, “and every girl would like to be with him. This makes me nervous.” She tells him that she hopes her next question will not offend him. In interview he tells us that up to this point he feels things have gone really well with Halina. “Have you ever,” she begins, “been unfaithful to your girlfriends?” I have to give Rocky credit here. When hit with an inquiry like this, lying is almost a reflex. Instead he chooses the higher and more difficult path. “Yes I have,” he confesses. “The relationships that I had were very shallow. I wasn’t a man and I made mistakes.” The image in my mind is of Rocky with a Jimmy Swaggart hairdo and tears in his eyes as he says, “Ah have sinned Americah,” but his sincerity really is evident. “That’s nothing to be proud of,” Halina admonishes. “Do you think that she’s going to make the choice,” she continues, “and it’s going to be you?” He tells her that he hopes so. At this Halina trots out a forced smile of her own and says “good luck.” Yikes. In interview she tells us, “I know that he like Anna very much, but I’m feeling something is missing.” I find myself wondering how much of the “old country” ways are present in Anna. If she was brought up with old Polish moral values, her mother’s opinion will have an almost scriptural importance and Rocky has just managed to self-destruct.

Nathan too, has a date with destiny. He receives a note under his door as well. He is instructed to head down to the site of his jet ski date with Anna. As he stands there, someone comes out of the sun toward the shore. Nathan tells us he assumes it’s someone coming to take him to Anna. In an amusing bit of editing, he finds out his escort is Halina, and falls off the jet ski and right into the water. The truth is that he isn’t upset at all. “Of all the people that I would love to meet,” he tells us, “it’s Anna’s mom!” He finds it ironic that just a day earlier, he had been holding on to Anna on a jet ski and now he’s doing the same thing with her mom. Is he as uncomfortable as Rocky was to be recalling his earlier behavior with Anna? “It was fun,” Nathan says, illustrating once again the stark contrast between these two men.