Meet Mr. Mom, Episode 2: Five Boys For Sale

Welcome to the second episode of Dads Who Can’t Think! Today, we pit the Beadles of Woodlands, Texas, against the Clarksons of San Antonio. Leo and Rena Beadle have five boys, for which they probably deserve a medal right off the bat. Of course, Henry and Terry Clarkson have five girls, so they’re probably worse off!

As we’re doing the montages of families, we find out that both moms stay at home. Terry believes she runs “a tight ship” and yes, this is it, this is the woman who irons her daughters’ hair! We’ll see this later, and I’ll have more to say about this colossal waste of time.

Leo is totally in shock, and totally clueless, about what he is going to do with the little woman gone. With only fifteen minutes to get ready, she’s haplessly trying to pack and shower, and he’s wondering over some cornbread casserole recipe. The Clarksons appear a bit smoother; indeed, Terry does not wind up in the van with a towel still wrapped around her head like Rena does.

With the moms gone, it is time to start throwing curve balls. Curve ball number one? Shopping. The wily employees of NBC have snuck into the houses of our families and stolen all the clothes and towels, leaving the dads instructions to go shopping. They have two hours to replace everything they need for the week.

Leo, a.k.a. Mr. Helpless, bemoans to the camera that this is Rena’s area of expertise. However, at the store, despite looking lost, Leo falls into typical guy mode and gets multiples of the same items, figuring the boys will just deal. As he says, “we’re not shopping like girls, we’re shopping like guys. Get in and get out!” Meanwhile, the boys are roaming the store coming up with fun things like eight-ball pillows to buy.

Let’s not forget good ol’ Henry. Henry moves at a snail’s pace. If I were Henry’s wife, I’d kill him. Seriously. The insurance money would get here faster than Henry could get out of the house. Yes, at the Clarkson residence, time crawls as Henry gathers snacks. The girls, disgusted with dad, go out to the car to wait. With 30 minutes gone, he finally pulls out of the driveway.

Oh, let me backtrack a moment. While the girls are discovering they have no clothes and no towels, the littlest one, Rayne, quips that they should just go naked. Only she says it like “nekkid.” It’s adorable.

Finally, Henry pulls up at JC Penney’s with only sixty minutes to shop. He is totally anal about picking items out, spending excessive amounts of time worrying about the kind of underwear he’s buying. He needs to take a lesson from Mr. Helpless and just grab something! BZZZZT! Time is up for the Clarksons, and they haven’t checked out yet. This garners Henry a big thumbs-down for Time Management. Leo, despite his predictions of doom earlier, pulls through in time and earns a thumbs-up.

Meanwhile, back at the Hyatt, the moms meet up for the first time. There is some screeching and hugging and high-pitched squeaking. Terry tells us she just saw Rena and “knew” they were going to get along. Funny, I heard that last week too. Frankly, anyone I’m going to see only minimally, while at a luxury resort, paid for by someone else, while receiving massages and other relaxing gifts, I am going to get along with too. I’ll just be happy to get away. So why all the screechy, huggy, best friendy stuff? Gag. (Does anyone wonder why I don’t have that many girl friends?)

There is more mom blather about how worried they are about their helpless spouses. It’s making me ill though, so I’m going to skip it.

Leo prepares chili dogs and the boys nosh on them for a bit. However, at least one child is less than thrilled. He tells the camera they get the good stuff when mom is around, but when dad is around, it’s disgusting. Snicker. Oh yes, and Leo gets the thumbs-down for Nutrition, naturally.

Because he has to redeem himself after his stunning display of time mis-management, Henry proves to be a decent nutritionist. He delegates chores to the girls for helping with dinner and quickly starts in on creating chicken breast in basil and olive oil over pasta. If it weren’t so late at night, I’d be hungry.

Day 2 dawns as the Clarkson girls clean up to help dad earn a thumbs-up in Housekeeping. There is a wicked schedule on the refrigerator, probably created by Terry, but Henry is discussing how to manage it. The older girls quickly ascertain ways to make it work, and one takes over, telling Henry what he is going to do.

However, it is not to be. A young boy in a swimsuit, fins and a snorkel flops into the house with a family challenge: pool party in 24 hours! Now, note, neither family has a pool. Rayne, the requisite cutie, tells us she wants to dig one with her hands in the backyard.

Leo goes into panic mode, wondering (only slightly jokingly), “where’s Mom when you need her?” However, I’ll give Mr. Helpless this, he corals the boys and off they go to find a pool. He figures he needs it ASAP, so it can get filled and start warming up for the little rugrats that will fill it on the morrow.