Tommy Lee Goes to College, Episode 2: The Beat of His Own Drum

It’s 9:00 a.m., and Tommy is in Dr. Gay’s lab. He’s very impressed, and pronounces it “rad.” Dr. Gay takes the opportunity to teach him that a rad is actually a measure of an angle. He lectures a little about radians, which amuses Tommy. Tommy spots a photo of Sir Neville Mott and Dr. Gay calls him a “scary smart [MF].” Hee! Tommy says that he loves Mott. Dr. Gay shows him some stuff, and Tommy suddenly asks, “What does this switch do?” Dr. Gay yells for him not to touch it, but it’s too late. The screen goes to those colored bars and a message says, “We’ll be right back.” Heh.

It’s a new day, and it’s time for English again. The professor reminds the class that they have an assignment due on Wednesday; they have to write three to five pages on the book they’re reading. The professor interviews that she didn’t plan her class knowing that Tommy would be there. The class breaks into groups for discussion, and Tommy seems to actually know what he’s talking about. He thinks that the author was overly descriptive. In chemistry, however, Tommy is still confused.

The narrator is sure that Tommy will ace band. UNL’s marching band is more than a century old and known for its precision. At this school, “football is king.” The narrator thinks that the band will gladly welcome a famous drummer.

At 1:07 p.m., Tommy meets with the band directors Carolyn, Doug, and Tony. Carolyn says that the school prides itself on the marching band. If they make a bad choice, the band directors will hear about it. Carolyn asks Tommy for his résumé. He talks about some of his musical history, and the directors say that it’s impressive, but they have to set it aside.

Tommy has to audition for the band on Monday, and if he makes it, he’ll have to show up to every 7:00 a.m. practice, rain or shine. If he misses one, he doesn’t get to perform. He’s only allowed to wear one stud in each ear, and he’ll have to cover his tattoos. There’s no swearing, smoking, drinking, or drugs allowed. They’re not going to cut Tommy any slack.

At 5:30 in the morning, Tommy slides out of bed to play the drums. He says that normally he’s not even up this early for sex. It’s cold out, too, so that doesn’t help motivate him. Tony tells him to put together a little solo for his audition. Tommy takes a little while to get used to the drums, since he hasn’t played this kind in a while. Carolyn says that Tommy seems sincere in his efforts, but he’s blowing it. Tommy has some trouble with his solo and does even worse when he has to play with the others.

The drum captains meet to make their decisions. As a group, the band has to look and sound good, and one person can screw everything up. Tommy says that he hasn’t done this sort of thing in years. He’s told that he can play with the band at least temporarily; he’s on probation. If things aren’t working by Friday or Saturday, that’s it. Tommy says that this is harder than he thought and he has lots of work to do.

Tommy’s horticulture class goes outside to study some trees. He hopes the professor won’t call on him. Of course, he does. Tommy is a little lost because, as he explains to a classmate, the trees are different in California. Well, yeah, and it’s not like he has to know all of their names there. Tommy keeps getting called on but finally gets part of one name right.

At 2:15 p.m., Tommy has a session with Natalie. Natalie interviews that Tommy gets distracted easily and is like a little kid. Tommy confides to her that he’s not sure about horticulture. She warns that part of his grade will be based on participation. She asks if he’s taking notes and if he has any goals. The editors tease Tommy by putting in a scene of him trying to set a video game for two players. Natalie says that Tommy will have to do a lot of work, but he’ll be okay. “The Eye of the Tiger” plays over a montage of Tommy studying and eventually falling asleep in his room.

In his next horticulture class, the professor decides to give Tommy a chance to redeem himself. Fortunately, Tommy gets the answer correct. Good for him!

At 4:00 p.m., Tommy has another meeting with Dr. Gay. He tells him about the drumline, saying that he thinks he’ll do well. At 5:59 p.m. he heads to the stadium for practice. He has a lot of trouble keeping his place and getting the routine down. There’s some swearing. Doug is shocked that Tommy’s supposed to be a rock star. Tommy just wants to know where the cheerleaders are.

Montage of on-campus happenings. Tommy and Matt do laundry. Tommy claims that he sometimes does laundry at home. Yeah, right. They sit down to wait until it’s done and Matt decides (or the producers tell him) to ask about Pamela Anderson. Tommy says that she’s amazing and beautiful. Matt wonders if he’s ever been jealous, since she was a Playboy bunny, but Tommy says he wasn’t. Matt jokes that they’re even now, since everyone’s seen Tommy naked, too. Ooh, ouch. Too soon, Matt. You guys just met.

Tommy is late to chemistry again. The lecture, which is full of stuff I don’t remember from high school chemistry, speeds up. Tommy calls it “bananas.” Hee, I’m so amused that he calls everything “bananas” instead of swearing all the time. At 11:45 a.m., Tommy goes for another meeting with Dr. Gay. He asks about chemistry, and Tommy says that it’s interesting but hard. Dr. Gay wonders if Natalie is helping. Tommy immediately gets distracted at the thought of her and says that she’s smart and hot. At least he said smart first, right?

Tommy heads back to his dorm, since Natalie is coming over tonight. Matt asks if he should leave so Tommy can pretend to study. He leaves… and Rachel arrives. She’s a substitute tutor, and her mission is to “beat Tommy into academic submission.” Rachel, who’s pretty much the antithesis of Natalie, is completely no nonsense. She wants Tommy to take things seriously and know that he can do the work, he just has to make it a priority. If he’s behind now, he’ll be behind forever.

Tommy says that he realizes that his success depends on priorities. So first he’ll go out and party with some hot girls. Well, isn’t that every college student’s main priority?

The next day, Tommy gets up early again for practice. He meets the section leaders, including Nate, the percussion leader, who makes him nervous. Tommy’s off the beat most of the time, and getting increasingly frustrated. He swears some more. Nate tells him that he has to do better if he wants to stay in the band. Tommy winds up walking off the field, worrying that he’ll get cut.

Next week: Tommy shoots hot dogs out of… something. Will he get to wear the marching band uniform? And then there’s some sort of athletic competition. I don’t know.

Jenn Brasler is an aspiring writer from Falls Church, VA. You can e-mail her at luckyjenn@hotmail.com. She was never in a marching band, since it’s too hard to carry around a piano.

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