Tommy Lee Goes to College, Episode 3: Good Sport

Thanks to the two Nebraskans who let me know that Tommy and Matt are actually living in off-campus housing, not in a dorm. And thanks to the third Nebraskan who gave me the name of the hot dog-shooting contraption. More on that later.

Tommy is in invertebrate lab, a drop-in class. This particular day, they’re dissecting bullfrogs and toads. Reason #5,147 why I was an English major – the only thing we dissect is poetry. Tommy struggles to get his gloves on. When he finally does, he picks out a frog to dissect. He pronounces it “gnarly.” He says he’s filleted his frog.

There’s some discussion of the bullfrog’s bodily excretions. Lovely. The professor announces that they have to sex the frogs. Tommy looks like he has a very different idea of what that means.

The narrator tells us that college is about fitting in. No, that’s high school. College is about drinking and having sex. Right? Anyway, fitting in can be a pain for Tommy, even in the drumline. The drum captain, Ben, interviews that he was afraid that Tommy would ruin the drumline’s vibe. The drummers set up for practice, and when they start playing, Tommy again has problems.

Carolyn says that, in his rock band, Tommy plays alone, but in the marching band, he has to match everything with the other drummers. Ben decides to give Tommy some help and starts counting beats for him. This is helpful to Tommy, since it’s something he’s familiar with, but he’s still lost. He is, however, grateful that Ben was willing to give him some help.

Tommy heads to chemistry class. He’s late, as usual. The professor discusses polarity and bonds. Science gives me a headache, so I’m glad this doesn’t last very long. Tommy’s lost again.

Tommy meets with the assistant athletic director Butch Hug, AKA Huggy Bear. Butch interviews that athletics are very important at UNL. Tommy says that he wants to get involved. Butch asks if he means in Division I and Tommy confirms this. Butch is shocked and asks about Tommy’s background. Tommy says that he did track and field in high school, but he can’t remember what the pole vault is called. He says that it’s been a while, but he’s in good shape. Butch is skeptical and Tommy jokes that Butch is calling him old. He would prefer to do co-ed sports, since he’d get to play with girls, but Butch doesn’t think that he could keep up with them. Tommy wants to try anyway.

Tommy heads off to play volleyball. One of the women on the team warns that there are three All-Americans there. Tommy predictably gets his butt kicked. Butch says that Tommy is old, but there’s something for everyone in intramurals. My college’s intramurals mostly consisted of people playing soccer at midnight and giving their teams funny names, so I’ll have to take Butch’s word for it.

Tommy tries swimming, suiting up in a Speedo. That’s something I didn’t really need to see, thanks. He’s not a great swimmer. He’s the last one done and almost chokes. Next, Tommy tries track. For some reason, the coach waits a long time before shooting the starter pistol. Tommy is slow. For some reason, the music people are playing opera. What’s up with that? Butch yells that he knew Tommy would screw this up. How kind.

Last, Tommy tries diving. His form isn’t too great. Underwater, he knocks on the camera and swims around. So much for Tommy’s foray into athletics.

The narrator (who’s really starting to bug me) says that stardom is no preparation for chemistry. Tommy goes to the lab with Natalie. She says that he often has trouble focusing. Tommy demonstrates this by building a dog out of plastic circles that I guess are supposed to represents atoms or molecules or something else scientific.

Natalie and Tommy do something with water. He tries to pretend that he knows what he’s doing by using a bunch of scientific terms. He trails off and Natalie asks, “Did you run out of big words?” Hee. Natalie says that if Tommy can focus, he can grasp things. Indeed, he picks up on what they’re doing.

Back in his room, Tommy plays video games with Matt. Tommy says that he has drum practice in the morning. Matt thinks the other drumline guys are cool and is impressed that they work 20 hours a week for one credit. Tommy doesn’t realize that most classes are worth three credits.

Tommy meets up with Ben for a night practice. Ben is impressed that Tommy is taking extra time to work. He says that he would try to move on, but Tommy would refuse until he had each measure down. By the end of the practice, Tommy seems to have it down.

On Friday morning, Tommy goes to his last morning practice before the game. This is his last chance to get a spot in the band. He tells the others that he went to bed at 10:30, wanting to get six or seven hours of sleep for the first time in two weeks. Tommy and Ben practice without drums, making sure Tommy has everything down. Tommy is confident that he’ll be on the field on Saturday. He says that if he’s not, he sucks.

Tony says that there has to be a certain standard on the field, and if Tommy isn’t up to it, he won’t perform on Saturday. Ben says that things were questionable for Tommy down to the wire. The captains are happy with the audition and Tommy is confident that he got his spot. The captains discuss Tommy and agree that he’s doing pretty well. They announce that they’re giving him a spot on Saturday. Carolyn says that Tommy worked hard and has come far. The decision to let him play was unanimous. Tommy thanks Ben and everyone else.

It’s game time! There’s a huge, red-wearing crowd. Tommy suits up, but has problems with his shoes. He gets a woman to tie them for him. She says that she usually doesn’t do this for college kids, since they can tie their own shoes. She asks if he wants them double-knotted. Hee. “Thanks, Mom,” Tommy replies.

Tommy says he can hear the crowd in the stadium. He hopes he doesn’t choke. As the band takes the field, the commentators talk about Tommy and how different it is to see him in this situation. The band plays and Tommy seems to know what he’s doing. Matt cheers. At the end, everyone cheers and people release balloons. Natalie shouts that Tommy rocks. Tommy’s proud of himself. More playing. Tommy shoots hot dogs with what I’m told is called Der Wiener Schlinger, a huge hot dog-shaped contraption.

Later, Tommy meets up with the band at a bar. They’re all proud of him. Someone completely fakely shouts out, “Don’t you have a test tomorrow?” Tommy makes an “uh oh” face. Yeah, I totally believe that that was unplanned. Because I’m five years old.

Next week: Natalie helps Tommy cram for his first college exam. Tommy goes through fraternity hazing. Can they call it that without getting sued?

Jenn Brasler is an aspiring writer from Falls Church, VA. You can e-mail her at luckyjenn@hotmail.com. She’s going to be haunted by images of Tommy in a Speedo.

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