The Surreal Life 5, Episode 6: Hits, Misses, and Stolen Kisses

Another morning-after for the Surreal Lifers. It’s Carey’s turn to pick up the Surreal Times off the front step, and once he accomplishes this task, he must then carry the paper to the communal bedroom and inform the others as to the day’s activities. It’s an ungodly hour, made even more so by the fact that their little slumber party went on until the wee hours of the morning. Janice staggers in wearing Jackie O. sunglasses, looking what I would call “rough.” No matter. This day, they will journey to Las Vegas for what is sure to be a day of merriment. Or not...

They only have a half-hour to get ready, which is no easy feat. They get it together and board a bus. Once onboard, Pepa reminisces about her days on the road. Omarosa bores everyone to absolute death by recounting her many achievements, including the fact that she has already had her life memorialized on True Hollywood Stories. Poor Omarosa can’t even go to the grocery store without being recognized. I can’t imagine that she actually does venture into a supermarket, though. Think of the danger of things falling from the shelves. Sorry, I just can’t get that whole concussion thing out of my head.

Needless to say, with Omarosa’s non-stop yammering, it’s a long, long trip. Janice mentions that she would like to strangle Omarosa, but, alas, she does not. They finally arrive in Las Vegas, but zip past the strip, and head out of town. Pepa, who seems the most astute of the bunch asks, “What do you mean we’re going away from the action?”

The group finally arrives at their destination – a ball field in the middle of freakin’ nowhere. Daryl Miller, a softball coach, greets them and tells them that they will be participating in a celebrity softball game. Now this should be Jose’s finest hour, right? Apparently, that’s what Janice is counting on. She’s set her sites for Mr. Canseco, while at the same time, flirting with Daryl, perhaps as insurance in case it doesn’t work out with Jose.

Omarosa can’t stand any of this, and interviews that Janice’s constant need for attention annoys the crap out of her. Omarosa says that Janice is “like a really bad itch.” Itch? Is that what you are calling it these days? I continue to marvel at the irony of Omarosa’s comments regarding Janice. I mean, Omarosa was supposed to be the resident bitch, right? She seems almost “Stepford-ized.” Maybe dropping the heavy burden of Manigault-Stallworth has lightened her up.

No game would be complete without uniforms, and Janice, who as we all know is a what… that’s right, a supermodel, can get changed at the drop of a hat. Everyone changes into his or her spiffy uniform, and Jose seems to be last, clowning around, much to Omarosa’s delight. “What steroids can do to a body,” she oozes. She loves her some Jose, that’s for sure.

Jose will lead the team, as well he should, and his first challenge is to figure out the best position for each of his team members. Actually, this particular group of Surreal Lifers may be the most athletically inclined to date. I mean, really, what would he have done with Verne “Mini Me” Troyer, Tammy Faye, or Charo?

So who is the opposing team? In what has become a pathetically predictable season, this week's “surprise” really isn’t one at all. It’s a team of celebrity impersonators, lead by “Stevie Wonder” who will serve as umpire. Hilarity ensues when he immediately bumps into a fence. The impersonators include a Tina Turner, a Janet Jackson, a Madonna, a Dolly Parton, an Elvis, a Michael Jackson, and an Elton John.

The piece de resistance for the impersonators, whose team is called the “Dead Ringers,” is a Jose Canseco look-alike. Our Surreal Lifers are duly impressed and amazed, and Jose wonders, “How did they get a guy that looked so much like me?” Maybe it really is you Jose? Hmmm. I have to say, it would be a bit “surreal” to interact with a mirror image of yourself, and this guy is good.

Anyway, there is a point to all of this, believe it or not. The winning team will get $5000 in chips and a night of gambling at the Palms. Of course we already know that the SLs are going to win having watched the previews of this week’s show that depicts Janice in some semi-obscene behavior writhing around on Bronson’s lap. I don’t want to have to see this again, but I fear it is inevitable.

Batter up. The first to take the plate is Caprice. She doesn’t swing, but umpire Stevie calls it a strike. Jose shouts that fake Stevie is blind as a bat. The game continues, and the SLs actually play pretty well. There are some predictably comic moments (loved Michael Jackson in the outfield with his official umbrella holder), and even Janice seems to be getting into the game.

But midway through the game, the Dead Ringers begin to rally. Michael Jackson tags out the real Jose and Pepa comments that fake Jose is pitching as well as the real guy. Or maybe the real guy is the fake guy? I wouldn’t put anything past the producers of this show.

In the end, it’s Carey who saves the day, catching a fly ball hit by the fake Jose. Hooray, hooray. Janice is named MVP of the game, and of course, Omarosa is irritated. Turns out that fake Jose is actually real Jose’s twin brother, but real Jose wasn’t spilling the beans!

It’s off to the Palms where they check into their suite and prepare for a night on the town. Janice is raring to go, and her behavior is utterly foul. She writhes, she grinds, and she might as well have crawled on her belly like a reptile. It is totally nauseating. Jose, the real one, can’t get rid of her fast enough. She turns her attention to Bronson, and this is where I actually have to turn my head. Even Bronson rejects her saying, “If it had been for real it would've been fun. It was empty. That's just a plastic vagina – get a real vagina!”

Janice stays up all night while the rest of the gang has had enough and head to bed. I have also had enough, but will only have a week’s reprieve. It seems that Janice’s slut-fest continues next week. Will this show ever end?

Donna Reynolds is a freelance writer based in Syracuse, New York. While entertainment sustains her emotionally, she earns her daily bread by writing and editing web copy. Check out her website at www.reynoldswrites.com. Donna loves mail, so shoot her an email at foxydonna@earthlink.net.

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