Meet Mr. Mom, Episode 5: Birds & Bees? Oy Vey!

First off, my apologies for the latest of the recap. I got caught up after the show watching the Dateline special on the hurricane then fell asleep. My day dawned brightly with a lovely two-hour meeting at 7 a.m., and here I am, surreptitiously finishing my recap between tasks! I’m sending my best thoughts to everyone affected by this horrible storm.

Tonight in the lovely world of reality television, where we come to escape reality, ironically enough, we once again pit two families against each other sans the matriarch, and see if we can make grown men cry! Emmaneul and Elianah Avraham live in Trenton, New Jersey with their three boys. Carmine and Laura Piccirillo live in Tom’s River, New Jersey with their three girls.

Day one begins with regular-looking guys delivering the notes. Le sigh. Carmine answers and has to wake up his wife. She wakes up about as well as I do! Over at the Avraham’s, Elianah is crying as she reads the note. Since this happens more times than not, this must be some emotional note. No such tears for Laura, however.

Fully awake, Laura cackles and screeches with glee over the note, pointing at Carmine and saying he’ll have to do everything. Elianah is laughing at her home now as well, but oooh boy, Emmaneul is not! As Laura goes to leave, Carmine asks for advice, but she’s heading out leaving him to deal.

Carmine P. gathers the girls to explain the rules. They consist of “work, work, work,” he says and also tosses in that he is going to slave them. Meanwhile, Laura comments from the car that he probably cannot even feed the animals. Oh, did I mention they have like around a hundred animals? Seriously.

At the Avraham’s, one of the boys sobs uncontrollably as his mom leaves. The older son figures this has to be a joke because no way can Dad do this. Amazing how much faith kids have, eh? Dad puts on his motivational speaker hat to calm the boys and assure them they will do great, before they move into family prayer time.

In an altogether classic moment to capture on film, a teenage boy shows up asking for one of Carmine’s daughters. He is insistent, despite Carmine trying to shoo him away, and an embarrassed girl darts out of the house to talk. Carmine cracks up when he spies on them and notices the boy handing off a game assignment.

And what an assignment it is! The dads must converse with all the kids about sex! Carmine runs outside and falls to the ground laughing. His daughters surround him and tell him to just do it. It’s great, because they are totally making fun of him, and obviously know everything already anyway. They start asking, “Daddy, where do babies come from?” and his big advice is, “Boys are no good; you stay away from them; you don’t talk to them; end of story!” Obviously raising a family of smart asses, one daughter quips, “So you want us to be lesbians?” Ah, a child after my own heart!

Emmaneul meanwhile takes each boy on individually and asks them what they think about sex. The boys groan and make disgusted sounds and try not to do that giggle-laugh boys do when embarrassed. Pretty soon, they’re cracking jokes too. Thumbs up on parenting to both dads.

The wives share a suite - and a hug - at the hotel, then head off to a nice, relaxing spa treatment. No guilt about being away here!

Both dads get thumbs up as they clean and cook; indeed, the Avraham boys are shocked Dad is cooking so well. Guess Mom might be getting a kitchen break or two in the near future!

Everyone snoozes in New Jersey, then suddenly a fire engine roars down the Piccirillo street. A firefighter with a bullhorn bellows to the family to get out, this is a drill. Damn, I hope their neighbors like them! After 2.5 minutes, a sleepy Piccirillo family absorbs a lecture on timeliness from the fire chief. Apparently, they were too slow, so a packet of information about developing a plan is given to Carmine.

Multiply this times two, except the Avrahams took even longer to get out. No one’s slouch, Emmaneul lets the boys close their eyes then blows an air horn off in the house. With the tenacity of a drill sergeant, Emmaneul pushes the family to a thirty second turnaround time. The oldest thinks Dad believes they’re Marines or something. Heh.

While their families get no sleep, Laura and Elianah wander the Big Apple on a shopping and sightseeing tour, culminating in a visit to Times Square. Lo and behold, there on the big billboard towering over the square, the Avraham family live feed occurs, to the delight of the moms. The boys climb out of the window on a fire ladder, and when we switch to the Piccirillo’s, the same thing is happening. We hear air horns galore. What man wouldn’t leap at a chance to indiscriminately let off loud noises and frighten children?!

The next challenge is a head-to-head spelling bee between the families. How you do affects your overall grade. Neither dad appears overly confident about their spelling abilities. When Carmine asks one daughter to spell “dishwasher,” he makes her go finish the dishes when she gets it right. Now that’s my kind of parenting.

The moms get a hot air balloon ride as the families enter for the spelling bee. You just know the hostess chick in the bun and glasses is a naughty girl. Er, did I say that? Oops, channeling the other half again, obviously! To make a long story short, the families stay relatively even in the kid round. In the Dad vs. Dad round, the dads fail miserably. They miss: multiplication, Chihuahua, embarrassed, hypotenuse, and leprechaun. Finally, Emmaneul spells constitution correctly, and his family wins. That was painful!

I sure as hell hope NBC pays off neighbors during some of these shows, because yet another night, yet another siren! The Piccirillos shave a minute off their time, but the Avrahams drop it down to a miniscule 38 seconds. Thumbs up to all.

Day four dawns with a stalking ferret. One seriously cute little rodent runs around after Carmine, escaping multiple times from its cage. The girls drag butt and each one in turn misses her bus. Carmine drives each one to school individually and two out of three did not wear seatbelts. Uh-oh, thumbs down big time!

On the last day, the moms say goodbye, and the families prepare. Carmine actually paints on the garage, and I certainly hope Laura is forgiving! When Carmine buys flowers, he tells the florist that his wife just got out of prison for killing someone eight years before. Pardon me while I snarfle a lot. His sense of humor entertains me!

We have the requisite hugs and kisses and appreciative phrases as the moms return. We all know how these go, so let’s just move on to grading day, shall we?

Housekeeping:
Avraham—A-
Piccirillo—A

Nutrition:
Avraham—A-
Piccirillo—A-

Time Management:
Avraham—A+
Piccirillo—A

Parenting:
Avraham—A
Piccirillo-B+

Those missed seatbelts lost Carmine the game, but he says he gained a respect for his wife, and with loving pride, he sweeps his hand over his family and lets us know that with people like that, he’s the winner. Awww! Emmaneul meanwhile graciously accepts their win and says that it meant a lot to be honored in an area most men don’t do.

We’ve got two more families left, if the website is right. Join me next week for the final recap!

Heathyr Fields Ford resides in Washington state with her exceedingly patient boyfriend, four awesome kids, two large macaws, and a harassed cat. She can be reached at heathyranne@hotmail.com.

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