Tommy Lee Goes to College, Episode 5: Double Your Tutors, Double Your Fun

Tommy is, for some strange reason, in a debate for the Debate Club. The topic is music file sharing, and Tommy is on the defendant’s side (shouldn’t that be con? This isn’t a trial), which is that music sharing is a crime. The plaintiff’s side gives an opening statement as Tommy tells his partner that he would hate to be a lawyer for a living. The two guys ask to use some of their prep time. When they’re finally ready, Tommy announces that the plaintiff’s argument that numbers are inflated is invalid. And… that’s it. Oh, and their argument is “whack.” I hope the girls on the pro side didn’t think this was going to be a serious event.

Annoying fake British narrator tells us that the end of semester is approaching, which means that finals are coming. Tommy heads to chemistry, where they cover calculations. Tommy works with a girl next to him, who tells him not to get discouraged. Tommy thinks that the symbol for wavelength, lambda, is “nambda.” Well, he’s close. The annoying editors put hearts around Tommy and the girl, because suddenly they’re in love.

At the frat house, Tommy plays drums while Matt plays a bass. There are seven days until finals. Natalie comes over, and Tommy admits that he hasn’t been studying. He tells her that he’s worried about chemistry the most. Apparently it’s Saturday night, and I’m sure Natalie loves tutoring a guy when she could be out with her boyfriend. Tommy tells her that a girl in his chemistry class was helping him. Natalie asks if she’s cute, and Tommy says she kind of is. Natalie says that that’s why he wasn’t listening to his professor. Oh, and we’re supposed to think that she’s jealous. I’m so sure she cares.

Tommy tells Natalie that he didn’t sit by the girl on purpose. Natalie gives him an assignment for the rest of the evening. He asks her what she’s doing and she says she’s probably going out. He’s not surprised. Well, yeah, it’s Saturday night, she’s in college, and she has a boyfriend. The narrator says that Tommy is “adrift in a sea of homework,” heading towards the Bermuda Triangle of finals. Shut up, annoying fake British narrator.

Six days till finals. Tommy’s at the library. Well, he’s playing computer games, but he is at the library. Back at the frat house, he and Matt play video games. Later, they have a poker night with their frat brothers. Tommy suggests that they call Pamela, then calls Naomi Campbell instead. Her voicemail message says that she’s lost her phone. Tommy calls Slash, whose voicemail message consists of a lot of swearing. He calls Snoop Dogg, whose message is very confusing.

Later, Tommy and Matt cook for the brothers. Matt asks if they’re going to put them through some sort of task. Tommy wants to cause trouble at the campus art museum. Matt thinks that they should make their presence known. Tommy assures him that they will.

That night, the frat guys dress in black and put on knit caps. They take some rope and a covered painting to the museum. Tommy takes photos outside. The guys go through the revolving doors, struggling to get the painting through. They wander around, trying to figure out where they’re going. They wind up in a room and talk about putting up the painting. At 9:12 the next morning, the painting is discovered - it’s the Tommy Leesa, a version of the Mona Lisa with a cross-eyed Tommy’s face.

Butch is not happy about this and gives Tommy a talking-to. He tells him that he needs to clean up his act and get some discipline if he wants to stay. Yeah, if he wants to stay five more days. He thinks that Tommy’s main problem is that he doesn’t listen, so he’s going to fix that.

Tommy’s punishment is to work in the cafeteria. Poor Tommy. I had friends in college who worked in the cafeteria, and they didn’t exactly enjoy it. Ron, Tommy’s supervisor, warns that he can’t take shortcuts. Tommy goofs off, throwing lettuce at the camera. Ron isn’t happy. Tommy has trouble recognizing Swiss cheese, since it doesn’t have holes. Ron seems happy when Tommy’s time is finally up.

Four days till finals. Tommy keeps showing up to class late. His English professor says that when he misses part of the discussion, he’s at a disadvantage. In physics, Dr. Gay does a demonstration with what looks like trains. Tommy looks at the camera and mouths, “What?” Dr. Gay assigns everyone to develop an experiment that will demonstrate the conservation of momentum. I don’t miss science class. Tommy says that he has a good idea.

Tommy and Matt go to a hardware store, where they buy a ton of stuff, including garbage cans, cutting tools, hoses, reflectors, and a blowtorch. Yikes. At 9:55 the next morning, Tommy takes his creation to Dr. Gay’s office. He says that it’s an 8-chambered rehydration system. Dr. Gay wonders how much water is going to wind up on the floor. Tommy turns on the machine, which basically sends water (or possibly Gatorade) through a bunch of tubes. He explains that it’s for football players - they can all drink at the same time and the coach can talk to them while they do. This way, they’ll conserve momentum. Um, okay.

Dr. Gay says that he was actually looking for some kind of collision. The editors go crazy with the audio, which is really annoying. I can’t wait until The Amazing Race starts up again; now there’s a show with some awesome editing. Dr. Gay is impressed with the project’s detail and craftsmanship, but it’s not what he was looking for. He gives Tommy a C. For some reason, the editors put in a squirrel that squeaks, “Tommy got a C.” What kind of crack are the editors smoking? Tommy says that he’ll get through this.

Chemistry. Tommy’s new helper, Bridget, is there. The professor talks about bonds and how bodies share them. The editors love that he’s talking about attraction. Bridget suggests that she and Tommy study together.

Later, Bridget and Tommy meet up to study. Natalie arrives as Tommy tells Bridget that he’ll just cheat off of her. She jokes that she won’t tell. Natalie joins the study session, and she and Bridget both start helping Tommy. They give different examples to explain things, and we’re supposed to think they’re talking at the same time. Natalie interviews that they didn’t get much done, since it was hard to keep Tommy’s attention. Afterwards, Tommy says that he’s not sure whether to laugh or cry, because he didn’t get anything they discussed.

Annoying fake British narrator says that Tommy is overwhelmed with the pressure to succeed. Yeah, because he won’t be able to get a job and be successful if he doesn’t pass Intro to Chemistry. We see a flashback of Tommy and his mom as the narrator wonders if Tommy will disappoint his mommy. Her son’s a millionaire. I doubt she’s disappointed. Anyway, we’ll find out next week.

Next week: Yep, the finale. Will Tommy graduate? Well, no, since he’s only taking a few classes. But there will be finals and grades and a big concert. And probably no Natalie/Bridget catfight, so give up hope on that.

Jenn Brasler is an aspiring writer from Falls Church, VA. You can e-mail her at luckyjenn@hotmail.com. She's glad that the hot blonde tutor is at least smart.

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