Tommy Lee Goes to College, Finale: Cram It

Love Memorial Library. I wish my college’s library had that name. Ours was Warner Library. Boring. Tommy is staring down finals. Dr. Gay says he hopes that Tommy studies hard and can meet this challenge. Chancellor Perlman hopes that Tommy will take everything seriously. Natalie wonders if he can deal with the pressure. Tommy’s mom wants him to show what he can do. The narrator says that Tommy needs to prove that he’s worthy of being a Cornhusker. Tommy says he’s going to nail this.

One day ‘til finals. It’s Tommy’s last chance for learning. Please be quiet, narrator. In horticulture class, the editors have fun putting in a girl playing a triangle when a girl in the class gets answers correct. Tommy gets an answer wrong and the editors put in a guy playing the tuba. You be quiet, too, editors. The horticulture exam is on Wednesday. Tommy also has an English paper due on Wednesday. His chemistry exam is Thursday.

Tommy says that he’s heard stories about cramming and doesn’t know what to expect. He meets with Dr. Gay and admits that sometimes he panics about what he’s facing. Dr. Gay tells him that remaining calm is an important part of finals. He encourages Tommy to go to his English professor if he doesn’t completely understand the book he’s read. Tommy does so. The English professor, whose name I finally learned is Professor Faye, asks Tommy a bunch of questions to spark subjects for his paper. Tommy says something about turtles. Okay, then.

Tommy does laundry with Matt. He mentions his English paper and says that he might need Matt’s help. Matt tells him that writing a paper is like a song – it has to make sense and tell a story. Oh, yeah? What about “MacArthur Park”? That song never made any sense. Tommy says that he has horticulture and chemistry exams back to back, and he’s lost on chemistry. Matt tries unsuccessfully to convince him that he’ll be okay.

Study montage! I so don’t miss school. Incidentally, happy beginning of semester to everyone who went back to school recently. I really don’t envy any of you. Tommy is still confused, so he gets some help from Natalie. She warns that everything he’s heard in class will be on the final. No pressure there. She shows him the periodic table. It’s too late for that! Tommy says that he’s not a quitter – even if he just squeaks by, it’ll be better than quitting. Fortunately, Tommy starts getting some of the math and feels more confident. He pulls an all-nighter and the narrator wonders if he can survive. Tommy says that everyone is counting on him and he doesn’t know if he can do it. It’s a lot of work.

It’s finals time. The narrator says that Tommy wants to crush the stigma of the stupid rock star. I never thought rock stars were stupid, just wild. Tommy says that this whole experience has been harder than he thought. He’s nervous but has worked hard, and he hopes he doesn’t choke.

Horticulture first. Tommy and his professor are alone in what looks like the library. He’s shown a bunch of different plants and has to write down the common name, the family, the genus, and the species. I can tell you right now that I would be horrible at this. The closest thing I did in high school was astronomy, where we had to memorize and draw a bunch of constellations, as well as recognize some of the stars in them. Incidentally, my most memorable experience in that class was my professor pointing to a black hole and saying, “And that’s where Satan lives.” (I went to a Christian college. Does that make that less creepy? Oh, and we also sang the Zaccheus song at 9 in the morning. Good times.)

Tommy does his test. He looks at a lot of plants and tries to remember their names. Sorry I can’t make this more interesting; I can only work with what I’m given. Outside, the editors make a squirrel speak with Tommy’s mother’s voice. These editors need to find a new line of work. Tommy remembers something his professor told him and finishes the test.

In his room, Tommy works on his English paper and remembers some of the questions Professor Faye asked him. He has no idea why the author wrote what he or she did and says that’s like asking him why he wrote “Girls, Girls, Girls.” I’m assuming it’s because he likes girls. Don’t quote me on that. We’re led to believe that Tommy works all night and puts the finishing touches on the paper in the morning. He uses big words and finishes with “the end.” Yeah, great idea. Tommy turns in the paper.