Surreal Life 5, Episode 8: Cat Fights and Ugly Sights

It’s the morning after. Everyone is tired from the trip to Vegas, and we go through the normal la-de morning da. Janice is wrapped up in a blanket, which makes her look like “Our Lady of Fatima.” Or not. She comments that Bronson talks a lot about sex, but that he is really very eccentric.

Bronson and Jose sit down to breakfast, as Janice wanders through the dining room still in her sleep mask. She and Bronson get into an argument after he asks her how many truckers she “did” on the way home. Janice thinks this is “inappropriate,” but we get to see a replay of her calling all truckers on the CB radio.

Bronson interviews that Janice wants to be “Cruella De vil.” “She wants to be this devil-may-care bitch who flicks cigarettes on people and forgets their names and says insensitive things and steps on dogs and eats them,” he says. Point made.

The Surreal Times arrives and it’s “Press Day.” Reporters and photographers will come calling, looking for the “inside scoop” on this season’s Surreal Life cast. Omarosa is getting her makeup done, and Janice approaches her to see if it’s okay if she sets her makeup on the same counter. For whatever reason, Janice does not want to do her makeup in the bathroom.

Omarosa takes this calmly, but then comments that she wants to “wrap her hands around Janice’s neck.” The pot is starting to boil.

Janice’s son, Nathan Fields, arrives, and she greets him by saying, “About time.” Apparently, Nathan is a big Surreal Life fan, and she has invited him to meet the cast. Bronson says that Nathan is an “innocent, sweet normal kid.” I wonder how the “spawn of Janice” can be anywhere close to normal, but will reserve judgment.

Janice tells Bronson that Nathan is “the love of my life, the man of my life.” Bronson is confused because in the morning he was really hating on Janice, but now, with her son in the house, she’s actually turned human. Of course, she has to tell her son that Bronson is always touching her, and then, quite maturely, defaces Bronson’s picture by putting black tape over his teeth. She giggles about what fun this is. She’s an idiot.

Nathan leaves because of the photo shoot, and Janice’s last words to her beloved child are, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which gives you plenty of rope.” The photographers have arrived, and Omarosa gets the first interview. When asked what the toughest thing has been about living in the house, she quickly responds, “Janice Dickinson.”

“She’s like a one-legged man in a kick-ass competition,” Omarosa says. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. Lucky, the three-legged dog takes offense to this comment. Janice strolls through the living room during Omarosa’s moment of glory. “Excuse me,” Omarosa purrs. “I’m having an interview.”

Janice is undaunted. In an interview, she calls Omarosa “Dumb-a-grossa” Omarosa tells Janice to “Shut the f..k up,” and Janice responds in kind. Omarosa interviews that Janice has “triggered every kind of profanity you can ever imagine.”

They begin go back and forth. Janice says she’s going to yank Omarosa’s weave off, and Omarosa counters with the same threat. Janice says, “I’m a supermodel, honey, not a reality show loser.” Omarosa continues to try to remain calm, and says, “You are not a supermodel.” Meanwhile, big brave Jose is on the couch hiding behind a pillow.

Then, Omarosa pulls out the big guns, and says that supermodels don’t walk around getting high all day. Calling her a “high society crack head,” Omarosa says to someone off-camera, “The crack head is in need of some ready rock. Can we get one of those drug dealers from off the South Central?” Janice calls Omarosa a pathological liar, and defends her supermodel status by mentioning her 3000 Vogue covers. Once again, Omarosa tells Janice to “shut the f..k up.”

Jose finally comes to, and comments that he doesn’t think the words they are saying to each other are warranted at all. “They’re just going completely berserk.” Omarosa mocks Janice beautifully, and ends by saying, “Congratulations!” Janice counters. “I didn’t get fired from Trump.”

“If I didn’t get fired from Trump, I wouldn’t have the pleasure of meeting you,” Omarosa replies, causing Janice to shout, “Here we go.” Omarosa utters her best line of the evening, so far at least. “You know what? You can dress them up. You can put makeup on ‘em. You can fly in their hair and makeup team from Italy, Rome, or Paris, and you keep dressin’ ‘em up, and you know what? At the end of the day, she’s still a cracked out ho… bottom line!” I love this.

Bronson comes in and asks Jose what he missed. Jose, still clutching his pillow, tells Bronson that “they went at it… it was awesome!” Jose says that they are used to this by now, and calls it “free entertainment.”

Omarosa’s mother, Theresa arrives from Ohio. Janice gives Mom a hug but then tells her that she needs to teach her daughter how to clean up her side of the room. “No, you must got the wrong person,” says Mom. Do. Not. Mess. With. Mom.

Janice blathers some other nonsense, and Omarosa and her mother leave. Omarosa says, “That woman is as high as a kite.” Janice sneers. Caprice is still wrapped in a blanket and Bronson tells her all about the fight, comparing this to the Texas chain saw massacre. He warns that it is going to get uglier.