Too Real For TV?

It was pretty innocent fare once.

The sight of a fried Ozzy Osborne desperately trying to master his remote control, or Jessica Simpson’s confusion over a can of tuna was water-cooler talk in the highest order. Despite Ozzy’s checkered past and Jessica’s rarely-there wardrobe, these were shows you could watch like a peep through a keyhole. Nothing too serious, all in good fun.

The Slice of Life genre of reality television has had many visitors, from the sublime (Pauly Shore’s vastly under appreciated Minding the Store, Tommy Lee Goes to College) to the ridiculous (The Anna Nicole Show). While these shows rarely score in the ratings like their competitive counterparts, their place in the genre is well earned.

But lately, things have taken a disturbingly ugly trend: Reality shows by people whose reality is a bit darker than one would generally want to visit.

The lesser of the two evils is Being Bobby Brown, which almost in spite of itself was occasionally hilarious, and sometimes unintentionally sad. While we learned that Bobby is pretty affable guy, we also learned that Whitney Houston is a litany of negative adjectives. While comedians like to claim to enjoy seeing Whitney cracked-out, buoyed by the knowledge that Houston did indeed check herself into rehab after the show finished production, we never saw any evidence of Whitney behaving quite that badly. Not quite.

Meanwhile, Breaking Bonaduce is downright difficult to watch. Not because of poor production quality or lack of interesting personalities, but because Danny Bonaduce is a man who should compel you to cross the street if he’s ever in your path. The former child star and successful syndicated radio deejay had managed to make a reasonable career out of making fun of himself as a former child star.

Danny’s penchant for taking shots at himself (before anyone else can), a psychologist would tell you, is definitely a device for protecting a wounded soul. That device has failed to do the job anymore, as Bonaduce’s need to film his destruction is like looking at a car wreck and discovering dead bloody bodies among the wreckage. You’ll wish you hadn’t looked.

The premise of Breaking Bonaduce, is that Danny and his wife, Gretchen, are in counseling in a last-ditch effort to save their dying marriage – a marriage that began the same night they met. As Danny will wryly tell you, he woke up from a drunken bender to find he married Gretchen after a long drive to Las Vegas. While Britney Spears had the good sense (how often do you hear that?) to end her farce immediately, Gretchen and Danny decided to make a go of it, and even had two adorable kids! Therapist Garry Corgiat had trouble containing his dismay at this arrangement, only to invite one of the scariest moments I’ve ever seen on television.

Gretchen and Danny were discussing their inane method of communicating when Garry somewhat rhetorically asked, “what is this teaching your children?” Bonaduce’s eyes narrowed to slits of hate and rage, fury seeming to radiate from his body at this question. Garry, perhaps wishing he’d taken that extra life insurance policy after all, quietly asked Danny what was going on. Danny in a choked voice growled, “Don’t bring my kids into this, man!”

Well, they are in it, Danny. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! That’s the problem!

Fists clenched, jaw jutted, Bonaduce was clearly ready to spring. Gretchen managed to direct Danny's attention back to her. There is an innate sadness in this. Gretchen knows how to protect others from the animal. Most of the time.

It gets worse. In a recent episode, Gretchen mentioned in counseling that she has to self-edit her conversations with Danny because she knows how he’ll react to certain things. Like what, asked Corgiat. Gretchen told a story about how one of her bandmates gave her a massage to soothe her aching back while she was lying on the floor. Someone found the scene so hilarious, they took a picture of this. Danny was absolutely livid! A shouting match ensued, and Corgiat told them he didn’t need the raised voices in his office. “Then leave!” Bonaduce seethed. Personally, I would have left a vapor trail. But Corgiat held his ground and Danny left in a furious huff on his own.

Gretchen then insisted that Danny has never laid a hand on her, Corgiat seemed skeptical. That kind of rage doesn’t seem to know logic. It’s a conclusion jump you really couldn’t blame him for making. He didn't bother pretending to believe Gretchen's assertions. I don't believe them either.

Even the usually even-tempered Brown has had his bouts of irrational jealousy. A trip to a day spa got ugly when Whitney’s masseuse turned out to be male. Bobby instantly put the kibosh on that arrangement. This is a man doing his job, and the likelihood that he would be remotely attracted to the emaciated visage that is now Whitney Houston was quite slim. Still, Bobby put his foot down. Similarly, a waiter asking for an autograph and a man with a ski boat who offered Whitney a ride were treated to the dark side of Brown’s temper.

Eventually (after a tongue-lashing from Whitney), Bobby let the sleeping dog lie, but Bonaduce didn’t stop there. He decided to confront the guitar player in Gretchen’s band (who may have been the photographer, it wasn’t clear) in the middle of a song! Mid-chorus, Bonaduce stalked onto the stage, whispered something in the guitar player’s ear, and off they went to a quiet corner of the hotel. It was quiet for a moment, anyway. Danny railed his irrational argument at the unprepared guitarist who left happy to have all of his teeth. That was never a guarantee from the way Bonaduce was gesturing at him. While this was going on, Gretchen stood on stage, literally wringing her hands. So much for protecting others from the animals!

Is this sort of thing entertaining? What have we learned from these shows? That Bobby Brown badly wants to resurrect his career, and Whitney refused to be photographed for promotional stills for the show. Nice. That Danny Bonaduce is a dangerous, dangerous man who already has a triple-black belt, will soon embark on the joys of steroids, and work his angry body to tense steel. That’s comforting.

What’s more uncomfortable? Bonaduce recently told People, in his wry way, that things had gotten so crazy, production was almost halted on his show… for the safety of the crew! Producers refused to go on and insisted Danny Bonaduce check himself into an accredited rehabilitation program. Danny’s counter offer: he would only do so if production continued.

Whoever would have thought the image of Anna Nicole crawling under a table to call her dog would be preferable?

There are no happy endings here. We have no rock like the stability of Ozzy and Sharon’s marriage or Jessica and Nick’s burgeoning careers to cling to. In the case of the Browns and the Bonaduces, things can only get worse.

And we have a front row seat.

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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