But Can They Sing?, Episode 1: Opening Night

Ahmet Zappa welcomes us! He tells us these nine celebrities are definitely not professionals, but are willing to face their fears and sing for “a very worthy cause.” We never do find out what exactly that worthy cause is.

Ahmet says this will not be one of those shows that make fun of people, although he says it in a smarmy, obviously-lying sort of encouragement. We also learn that the celebrities are getting coaching from Rachel Riggs, a vocal coach; Jackie Simley-Stevens, vocal coach; and Tony Michaels, artist development. (?) The coaches will be on hand to share their thoughts on the performance as they happen.

Speaking of performances, on with the show! Starting with… Yeah, Morgan Fairchild!

Morgan says she’s just going to have fun out there, but it is scary to her.

Morgan Fairchild, “These Boots Are Made For Walking”

To her credit, Morgan has a naturally musical tone to her speaking voice, so her singing voice should have a certain truth about it. And it does! “These Boots” isn’t vocally challenging, but it does require a certain attitude. Morgan has plenty of that. Tony says she’s starting off in the right direction. Rachel is pleased with what she heard, and likes that Morgan improved even from the run-through. Jackie calls her a rock star. Morgan is pleased.

Michael Copon says he likes the rasp in his voice, “it may not be pretty,” but he likes it. We’ll see about that.

Michael Copon, “I Don’t Want To Be”

Michael takes on Gavin DeGrew’s “I Don’t Want To Be” with swagger, but he falls in and out of pitch constantly. It’s a roller coaster ride. Rachel fairly squeals that he was amazing, and I’m sure she wants in his pants. Tony says Gavin DeGrew would be proud of him, which doesn’t necessarily mean he was good. Okay, the judges are being nice. Simon would eat him like an hors d’oeuvre.

Antonio says he’s driven cars over 200 mph and this is more scary than that. He’s probably right.

Antonio Sabato, Jr., “Every Breath You Take”

Antonio is quite content to let his cheekbones do the work for the camera; it certainly wasn’t his singing, which I don’t think would win the local karaoke contest at the Holiday Inn! There was absolutely nothing that said he was any better than you or I, and we know what we sound like. Rachel says, just like in rehearsal, it lacked energy. Tony says he thinks it was better than rehearsal, but not as good as it could have been. Antonio says he’ll do better next week. Hmmmm.

Bai Ling says likes to be adventurous (I think that’s what she said). She says this is much harder for her because she “doesn’t speak very well English.” Got that.

Bai Ling, “Like A Virgin”

Bai is excruciating. It was like a South Park segment. From crawling on the ground Madonna style, losing tempo, losing melody, losing her mike at some points, in some countries she would be arrested for such an atrocity. Oh, and then she takes off her skirt and she ends with a thong I think. Ahmed says that was unlike anything he’s ever seen before. Tony says it was hot hot hot. (What?) Jackie says the tone and textures were a little difficult and maybe Bai was nervous (she must be a Mom), but next week she’s expecting more. Will she have a next week? China may demand her immediate deportation with an apology.

Joe Pantoleono says he’s really not more than a shower singer and wonders if there is a prize for second. At least he has a sense of humor about all this.

Joe Pantoliano, “I Get A Kick Out Of You”

Joe takes the swing route, and while he was somewhat tuneless in places, he had some charm! He’s the best of the night so far, which isn’t saying much, really. Tony says he was better in the run through, but he has next week to improve. Joe thinks he’s going to be eliminated. Jackie says, “that’s the business,” and he’s got it going on. No idea what that means. I think she’s afraid she’s going to be whacked.

Kim says she can sing with a little fake bravado, but she has trouble singing from her diaphragm and just “letting it go.”

Kim Alexis, “The Way You Love Me”

I couldn’t wait for this to be over. Even her fellow competitors look pained listening to her. Kim says she had fun. I’m glad she did. Rachel says vocally she was not in the pocket, but she had a lot of energy. That was so polite.

Carmine Gotti Agniello says he’s young, good-looking, and people should vote for him because he’s gonna win this whole thing. That was before he saw the lyrics to his song. Still, he expects the girls to go wild for him.

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “Ride Wit Me”

Let’s be honest. Nelly won’t dazzle anyone with his singing voice. Which makes the fact that Carmine was off-pitch throughout the whole song kind of shocking. Tony says it’s not as good as he’s seen. Jackie thinks he was overcome with the energy in the room and lost his vocals entirely. Is that what it was? Something happened! Sweet mercy.

Myrka Dellanos says she has a whole new respect for singers now that she has done this. I bet she does.

Myrka Dellanos, “Don’t Know Why”

I read somewhere that our soldiers use Christina Aguilera songs as a torture device with interrogations over in the Middle East. I think tonight, they may have found a new weapon. I’m ready to admit to many crimes! Myrka sounded like a pigeon caught in a bear trap. Ahmet says she brought tears to his ears. Myrka immediately insists she couldn’t hear (not aware that Ahmet speaks in non-sequiturs). Rachel said she was pitchy, Myrka continues to whine that she couldn’t hear. Sadly, we could.

Larry Holmes says he doesn’t want your pity, he wants to win because he’s the best.

Larry Holmes, “I Feel Good”

Larry was thisclose to being my favorite of the night, then the second verse left him entirely. He just sort of stalked the stage when he should have been singing. He found a place, not the right place, but he found a place and started singing again, and managed to stick the landing. Ahmet asks what he just saw. I wonder if he just woke from a coma and realized what has been happening all night! Jackie says we just saw “a champion.” Okay, she wants in Larry’s pants.

I want a raise.

This last hour has been beyond words. Next week, three will be eliminated. (Just three?) Who will they be?

Here’s how I would rank them:

1. Morgan Fairchild – who would have thought it was all downhill after her?
2. Joe Pantoliano – charm gets you somewhere.
3. Michael Copon – this just shows how the night went.
4. Antonio Sabato, Jr. – pretty bad is not the worst.
5. Carmine Gotti Agnello – see number 4.
6. Larry Holmes – if he could have remembered the words, I think he might have been as good Morgan! He’s a boxer, I’m cutting some slack.

So, I say Bai Ling is toast, while Kim Alexis, and Myrka Dellanos will also be leaving our ears. Thank the Lord. What do you think?

Let’s get a good meal in our stomachs before we come back next week. Please come back.

Now that you’ve seen what the show was like, find out what the Foxes On Idol judges (well, judge) thought about it at We’ll Be the Judge of That!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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