But Can They Sing, Episode 3: Double Duty

Just when you thought the indignity couldn’t go any deeper, it does. Tonight, duets! Ugh! Last week, Joey Pants, Kim Alexis, and Myrka Dellanos were shown the door. Tonight, one more celebrity will be put out of their misery.

Ahmet Zappa welcomes us. We are reintroduced to the sitting panel of judges: Rachel Riggs, a vocal coach; Jackie Simley-Stevens, vocal coach; and Tony Michaels, artist development. ANT returns to share his voice – the voice of the people, supposedly.

Ahmet tells us that the duets are for pure entertainment purposes, and not to be judged. Great.

To begin with, Carmine Gotti Agnello and Bai Ling struggle in their rehearsals with “Summer Nights.” Carmine says it will be a train wreck. Bai says, “Train wreck? What train wreck?” You train wreck.

Their performance begins. Carmine is clearly uncomfortable singing, not rapping. He may be more uncomfortable with all that thrusting Bai’s butt is doing into his crotch. Bai Ling’s singing is downright incomprehensible. Together, they come to an utterly tuneless crescendo. ANT says, “Boy am I glad summer’s over!” Hear, hear!

Next, inexplicably, Michael Copon and Larry Holmes sing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” They manage to turn it into a buddy advice number rather cleverly, but that’s where the compliments end. Michael does his best to work the stage, Larry fails to remember all of his lyrics yet again. In fact, he spends the number standing in the same spot, looking at Michael with something that looks like disdain! ANT says his heart wasn’t broken, but his ears were. Finally, ANT is speaking for us!

Morgan Fairchild and Antonio Sabato, Jr. rehearse “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” and Morgan deduces, “We’re screwed.” Indeed.

Performance time, Antonio remains as tune dead as a ruptured drum, Morgan does her best to save them, but Antonio is noticeably louder and kills any chance of harmonizing. It is torture. ANT says it was so hot and sexy, he thinks he’s pregnant. Not likely.

Ahmet says the duets were a special pleasure for him, and thanks the celebrities. Now, on with the serious part. The votes are on the line.

Ahmet tells us that thus far, Carmine is leading the pack, but just barely (don’t know who was in second, they didn’t say). Now, Carmine must do some actual singing. This week, it’s Usher’s “You Remind Me.” Carmine seems to need reminding how bad he is.

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “You Remind Me”

We see that Carmine was an accomplice in the train wreck with Bai Ling, because his singing is far, far worse than his rapping. And that is saying something! Ungodly. When it’s over and Ahmet asks how he feels, Carmine admits he’s not Usher, but he thinks he did alright. Tony wonders what happened to the dance moves and the focus. ANT says words can’t describe, but he tries. ANT decides Carmine sounded like a cat caught in a muffler!

The next celebrity advancing is… Bai Ling? What in the world? Ahmet say she was almost eliminated after the first week, and finished fourth last week. Wow. This week, Bai Ling must sing “Girls Just Want To Have Fun.” Bai Ling says she doesn’t want to embarrass herself, and throws another hissy in rehearsals. Too late for that wish.

Bai Ling, “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”

Trying to describe what Bai Ling sounds like tests my skills as a writer. The best I can do is tell you that I once heard a broken clothes dryer sound much like that. Of course, Bai Ling strips, and finishes with a flourish of screams that sound like a horny mountain lion. Ahmet asks if she thinks her pitch was on. Bai Ling says, “uh, yeah!” Sure.

Rachel says Bai was frustrated in rehearsal, and she sang in another key (Rachel found a key in that? She must be a professional!), but Bai starts celebrating before Rachel can actually finish her point. Tony says he loved the performance (really?), but wishes Bai would harness it so she’s not blown out by the end of the song. Tony is clearly trying to be diplomatic and talk her up. Bai’s snits in rehearsal must really be something! ANT is about to speak, but Bai insists he doesn’t like her. ANT says he does, it’s just her singing, but says he’d “switch” for her. Prove it.

Michael took some heat for his shirt-flinging performance last week, and he’s determined to make amends with this performance.

Michael Copon, “You Give Love A Bad Name”

It sounds like Michael found a key he can work with! Michael, for the sake of this show, does a nice job with his pitch, works the crowd nicely, all told, there is no pain in this performance at all! Nice job. Ahmet asks if he did Bon Jovi justice. Michael says he thinks he did, and it’s his birthday! Jackie says he did a good job with his higher tenor octave, stayed composed, she was pleased. Tony says he is “hittin’ it.” ANT says Michael can give him any bad name he wants.

At this point, we are down to Larry, Morgan, and Antonio! Who will survive?

Morgan is announced as the next celebrity to perform. Ahmet says she is just 42 votes behind Bai Ling (which would mean she was almost eliminated!). Ahmet wonders in voiceover if she is putting too much pressure on herself. Morgan rehearses “You’re So Vain” and has a couple of diva moments in the process. Ironic.

Morgan Fairchild, “You’re So Vain”

Again, Morgan is a bright spot in this program. Her voice is naturally musical, and she seems well aware of her limitations and does what she can within them. Nice job. The judges give her a standing ovation as well. Jackie says this performance was what she’s been waiting for. ANT says Morgan sets the bar higher and higher. I agree with him. Morgan should be winning this show!

Ahmet tells us the celebrity leaving will be… Larry Holmes. Larry is visibly annoyed, he really wanted to do well. But he accepts the hugs and well-wishes of his competitors. Poor guy.

Inexplicably, Antonio is in second place, according to Ahmet. Antonio says he is willing to work hard for this, and anything is possible. Almost anything, pal.

Antonio Sabato, Jr., “Addicted To Love”

Last week, Antonio resorted to stripping, this week he goes total rock star – down to the sunglasses on stage. That’s just packaging though, his singing is as full of life as a can of sardines. Ugh. He says he’s doing this for us. Thanks. Tony says Antonio continues to improve every week. ANT of course, makes a pass at him.

Ranking the five remaining singers, I would place them as such:

1. Morgan
2. Michael
3. Antonio
4. Carmine
5. Bai

But, the voting going as it is, Carmine will likely be with us awhile, and, probably, so will Bai, which means Antonio is probably the next to go! I, meanwhile, am still holding out hope that the proud nation of China will send emissaries to drag Bai Ling back home, kicking and screaming or no.

We survived yet another week – can you stomach one more? Yeah, I know. I’ll be here. I dare you to come back!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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