But Can They Sing?, Episode 4: Freaky Group Dynamics

Last week, there were duets. This week, the final five perform as a group! Do you smell that? It’s the smell of coming disaster!

Ahmet Zappa welcomes us. He tells us that the winning celebrity will win $50,000 for the charity of their choice. We are reintroduced to the sitting panel of judges: Rachel Riggs, a vocal coach; Jackie Simley-Stevens, vocal coach; and Tony Michaels, artist development. ANT is on the scene as well to represent the voice of the people. And someone really should say something.

Ahmet tells us the celebrities will perform as group “like some weird boy band.” They will be performing “Super Freak.” (!)

In rehearsal, Bai needs an explanation of “freak.” She likes what she hears. Morgan doesn’t like what she hears from Bai, and sternly tells Rachel there isn’t room for both of them. Later, there is a strange incident where Bai puts a cigarette lighter in Morgan’s face! Is there any way this cannot be Armageddon?

Nope. Badly sung, missed lyrics, bad choreography done even worse. Bai is all over the place with lyrics, Morgan looks infinitely uncomfortable standing next to her. Antonio misses a cue like a plane flying over his head. Your five-year-old’s first school play was probably better.

Ahmet says that performance probably would have freaked out Rick James himself. But, in a good way. Or not. He wonders what the judges think. Jackie says they “worked it out.” Really? What was it before? Tony said they worked very hard and it was organized chaos. But he looks right into the camera with that toothy smile and suddenly, you know he doesn’t believe a word of what he just said. ANT isn’t buying all the encouragement either, asking aloud what I know I asked myself, “What the f—k was that?”

Tonight, only four celebrities will get to sing, because another one will fall to the wayside. Will it be Michael, Bai, Antonio, Morgan, or Carmine?

The first celebrity to perform is… Michael Copon! Ahmet says he was just shy of receiving the most votes for the week!

Michael is still glowing over his last performance, and is happy he is getting to do a dance song. But he finds the vocals more challenging than he was expecting. He also has choreography to handle. He says he knows Carmine is ahead of him, but he’s competing hard for a charity dealing with shaken-baby syndrome.

Michael Copon, “This Is How We Do It”

Michael may have exceeded his personal best; though the pitch was all over the place again, his energy level was high, he moved across the stage well, and his dance moves weren’t exactly embarrassing. For this show, he was quite good! I wouldn’t go looking for any record contracts though.

Rachel agrees with me, noting he kept the key very well. Tony loves how he worked the crowd. ANT just wants him to take his shirt off.

Who’s singing next? Morgan Fairchild! Ahmet says she was solid and it helped her in the rankings. Where she placed, he didn’t say.

Morgan is thrilled to know she is performing “Believe” since it’s in her key. She’s not so thrilled to know she is expected to walk into the audience at some point. She’s worried she won’t be able to hear out there. Morgan tells us she is competing for a charity called Doctors Without Borders. (Yes, that is the charity Grace’s ex-husband Leo volunteered with on Will and Grace. I didn’t know it was real charity!)

Morgan Fairchild, “Believe”

Morgan delivers her worst performance to date. She just seems a bit less confident. Clearly, the nerves are messing with her. Jackie says she always thought her style was bit questionable (?), but Morgan is definitely pushing on to another level. Tony is pleased with her moves and her red wig. ANT says he’s proud that she took a big risk and backstage, he’ll tell her what she sounded like. Ahmet and Morgan wince in unison.

Who else has avoided the cut? Carmine Gotti Agnello? Oh yes, in fact, he is in first place.

Carmine ignored the judges’ comments and was intoxicated by the crowd response. He balks at the song he has to perform, Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” Carmine insists no one will know this song. In fact, he doesn’t even know who Bobby Brown is!

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “My Prerogative”

Carmine flat out talks through most of the song. He’s just a peacock flashing pec cleavage. It’s a steaming pile of mess. The girls just keep screaming though. The super-soaker he brings out at the beginning of the song is more exciting than he was.

Jackie says she thinks he really does want to be a pop star. Tony seems like he wants to be critical, but bails and just babbles something about Carmine having respect for the choreography and he really knows how to work a crowd. O-kay. Carmine “yeah yeah yeah”s right off. Seems kind of appropriate.

Time to say goodbye to Bai or Antonio. Who will it be?

It’s Antonio! ANT is beside himself! The other performers and judges warmly give him goodbye hugs. Ahmet says you can see Antonio perform “Nothin’ But A Good Time” at VH1.com, but he won’t be performing it here.

That leaves Bai. She’s going to be performing “I Want To Be Sedated.” Oh. My. God. Ahmet asks rhetorically if her singing is getting any better. Bai is already wrestling with the word “sedated.” Bai criticizes the song, because she is “very good” at what she does. (What is that, though?) She is competing for Make-A-Wish.

Bai Ling, “I Want To Be Sedated”

In a wild Mohawk and clothes I can’t describe (why bother, she’ll take them off before you can get a bead on them), she stalks the crowd like an angry pterodactyl. Then she fairly humps a chair! My eyes! Then she caps it off with the scream-squeal that gives evidence that the pterodactyl is perhaps angry and in heat. How much longer is this show on the air?

Ahmet says he is scared for his life. Tony says she stayed true to the rehearsals and tonight she was totally in control. She says it’s a weird wildness in her that makes her lose control. Jackie says “we have awakened a sleeping giant.” What the hell does that mean? ANT says, “American Idol has William Hung and we have you!” Bai says she doesn’t know how to react to ANT because he is “a little bit strange.”

And, that’s a show.

Tonight, Michael was definitely the best, followed by Morgan, and then there is a lot of space between. Since Bai made an effort to sing, I’d have to place her before Carmine who gave us posturing and attitude. It ain’t easy being cheesy, but he managed it.

But the way the votes are running, Carmine ain’t going anywhere, and I don’t think Bai is either. Morgan, my friend, you may be in trouble. Let’s hope not.

Join me next week, and we will see what we shall see. Best I can do.

And don’t forget to see what the Foxes On Idol Judging Panel had to say about this performance at We’ll Be the Judge of That!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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