But Can They Sing?, Episode 5: Duet Again

And now there are four: Michael Copon, Morgan Fairchild, Carmine Gotti Agnello, and the indescribable Bai Ling. One of them will say goodbye, but first, more duets are in store!

Ahmet Zappa welcomes us and reminds us that our celebrities “do not sing professionally in any way, shape, or form.” He also informs us that the top three will face off in next week’s grand finale! (One more week! Yes!)

No introduction for the judges, but we know they are Rachel Riggs, a vocal coach; Jackie Simley-Stevens, vocal coach; and Tony Michaels, artist development. ANT is also back to speaketh truth.

Carmine and Bai will be singing “Rock and Roll All Night.” Carmine needed some convincing that this was actually true. He doesn’t think Bai is nearly as serious as he is. Oy vay.

Then they perform. They are hideous. They lose rhythm, they lose their place in the song, they lose lyrics, Bai shrieks for no reason. Gawd. Ahmet says he loved it. ANT says he went to a KISS concert and Gene Simmons spit blood all over his face, and THAT was less traumatic than what he just got from Bai and Carmine. Well said. Speaking of Simmons, we see a brief flash of him watching from the audience.

Michael and Morgan are working on “Walking On Sunshine.” They both struggle with timing. Michael isn’t feeling all that hopeful.

In their performance, I am convinced that Michael has passed Morgan in rankings. While Michael is actually okay, I guess, Morgan really struggles with key – for some reason, she’s singing under the key. Ouch, Morgan. Not nearly as horrible as Bai and Carmine, but bad. ANT says Demi and Ashton had better look out.

Ahmet says all the celebrities will sing tonight. But, still, one of them will leave at the end of the show. Last week, I predicted the suddenly vulnerable Morgan Fairchild would be the one to go, though she doesn’t deserve it. She just isn’t as insane as Bai Ling, and not male (which seems to count a lot in the voting on this show).

Bai Ling is given a relatively tame “Volare” to perform. Bai found it challenging. She says this time, she really wants to deliver it, instead of shrieking and acting like a fool.

Bai Ling “Volare”

Give her credit, she really does try to sell it straight. Unfortunately, under the theatrics, we learn she sounds like a coyote. But her clothes stayed (mostly) on, she didn’t hump anything, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ahmet seems struck by the change, Bai thinks she nailed it. Meanwhile, after the performance, ANT arrives onstage in what looks like Bai Ling’s outfit from last week! He proposes to Bai. She stammers, he instructs her to say yes, she does! Ain’t love grand? Bai admits confusion, “Has he changed? I thought he likes boys!” Me, too. I wouldn’t worry about where they’ll register, if you follow me.

Carmine says he wants to do something people don’t expect. Of course, he prepares to do a rap song, which is exactly what we expect him to do. Tony says everyone else is doing something edgy. Carmine ponders, and ponders… he’s got nuthin’.

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “Hey Ma”

More gesturing and posturing. He barely gets out half the lyrics, and in a call-response type of song, the backup singers are responding to him saying nothing. Ouch. He basically whines that the audience isn’t screaming enough. Jackie says he is not the same person she met five weeks ago, but now that he has the motor running, let’s see how far he can go. No idea what that means. Tony likes how he commanded the audience. He whined for them to scream more! Is that command? I think they judges are afraid they are gonna get whacked!

Morgan worries about “Son of a Preacher Man.” She does a fair bit of kvetching about the tempo, the lyrics, the type of song it is. She ultimately decides she’s just going to have a good time with it.

Morgan Fairchild, “Son of a Preacher Man”

For all of her worrying, Morgan does a very nice job! She won’t set the world on fire with her vocals, but she harmonizes nicely with the background singers. She seems like she just surrenders herself to the song. A triumph! Ahmet says he doesn’t want to pick favorites, so he won’t, but she’s his favorite. Rachel says she is seeing more Morgan in her performances and thinks she did a great job. ANT says she had a tumble last week, but, “the bitch is back!” It would be a crying shame if she left this week while Bai was allowed to continue her assault on our sanity.

Michael has been given Nelly’s “Hot In Herrre” to tackle. Michael thought last week was really tough, having to sing and dance at the same time. But he had fun. He also had a lot of fun in rehearsals this time, too – maybe too much fun. This week, he says he wants to be serious on stage.

Michael Copon, “Hot In Herrre”

Michael is pretty much dead-on lyrically, vocally he isn’t horrible, and as you can imagine with a song complaining about heat, he takes clothes off. The ladies love it. ANT too. Ahmet screeches, “more man-boobies?!” Rachel says he was amazing, he’s trying new styles and rising to the occasion with all of them. ANT says he would take off his clothes for Michael. We knew that.

Ahmet says it’s time to send a celebrity home. And it is… Bai Ling?!! WOW! I’m actually shocked at this! There was all that Vote For the Worst nonsense to keep her in (a ridiculous waste of effort for this show). Ahmet says it kills him in a very special place in his soul. Her compadres and judges give her warm hugs, and Bai is quite gracious. Don’t ever sing again.

Next week’s finale should be very interesting. Though no one ever actually said it, it seems like this week’s performance will determine who wins. Morgan was very good, as was Michael. Carmine stank, but his fan base is so strong! I couldn’t pick a winner among the three, but I’m hoping it’s Morgan.

Let’s bring this thing to an end next week, shall we?

Be sure to also check out what the Foxes On Idol Judging Panel had to say about this episode at We'll Be the Judge of That!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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