But Can They Sing?, Finale: The Answer

We begin with a recap of performances and events that we’ve already digested through the season.

Ahmet Zappa welcomes us. He tells us that the winning celebrity will win $50,000 for the charity of their choice. We are reintroduced to the sitting panel of judges: Rachel Riggs, a vocal coach; Jackie Simley-Stevens, vocal coach; and Tony Michaels, artist development. ANT is on the scene as well to represent the voice of the people. Ahmet says that (almost) all of the celebrities will be on hand for a group performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Michael leads off, followed by Morgan, and then our dismissed celebrities represent the chorus. Larry Holmes gets the “for me” and Bai Ling takes the bridge. It sounds like a pack of wolves came down from the mountain.

ANT says he doesn’t know what Queen would have thought, but “this queen” loved it!

Ahmet welcomes us back to “America’s favorite assault on the senses.” We get a quick montage of Morgan Fairchild’s But Can They Sing journey. Morgan says she works her fingers to the bone to get her songs right. She feels like she has kept from sounding like bad karaoke. Take it easy, Morgan. She really hopes she can win the money for Doctors Without Borders. She’s also hoping she can nail Pat Benatar’s “Heartbreaker.”

Morgan Fairchild, “Heartbreaker”

Morgan deftly stepped around Pat Benatar’s tougher notes and delivers a reasonable performance. ANT declares she is his MILF! Not sure if Morgan knows what that means, but she seemed flattered.

Michael says he’s learned so much about singing on the show; each week, he has grown more confident and worked in choreography and pumping up the crowd. He says he feels the show has become a popularity contest, but he really wants to win for his adopted brother who has Shaken Baby Syndrome.

Michael Copon, “Blowin’ Me Up (With Your Love)”

Michael has some uncharacteristic pitch moments throughout the song – a song that isn’t all that hard to sing. All that skipping and choreography does him in, and there are artists selling millions of records who can’t get that right.

ANT says he thinks Michael lied about not being able to sing, and invites Michael to his dressing to hear a couple of other things. Just wear the Power Ranger suit! Michael plays along.

Carmine says of his journey that he’s had a lot of fun. He says sometimes the screaming of fans is so loud, he can’t hear the beat of the song. He really wants to win for Make-A-Wish Foundation. He says it’s all about stage presence and stuff.

Carmine Gotti Agnello “Gold Digger”

For once, Carmine manages to keep up with the beat, and Kanye West’s songs are pretty complex to perform, considering how he changes rhythm so swiftly, and sometimes without warning. Suddenly, he has reinforcements! A posse to perform with him. Still, his best performance to date.

ANT says Carmine has found his niche, then adds who cares? The girls love him!

Ahmet says we are just minutes away from learning who won, but first, a special performance from Bai Ling. (How could a performance from her be anything but?)

Time for some judging critiques. Rachel tells Michael that he’s probably learned respect for performing and it was a pleasure to work with him. Jackie says Carmine has created his own creative conscious, talks about challenges for him, thinks he’s ready for the next level, and she’s proud. Michael says Morgan grew confidence in herself, and he was very proud to work with her, she’s “shaken this whole thing up!”

Ahmet says its time for some tough love. He’s about to eliminate another celebrity. And, it is… Morgan Fairchild!

So, it is down to Carmine and Michael. Who will it be?

First, Bai Ling, sings “I Touch Myself.” It’s a good thing I told you. If you had to go by her singing, you’d have no idea what she was singing. The melody of the song is utterly lost on Bai. She comes out in a bikini and a sheer feathery robe, and you know the robe is only temporary. Bai’s lower register sounds like she just had a spinal tap, and that’s the register she sings in, ignoring the higher parts of the song. Michael and Carmine somehow keep straight faces watching her, but ANT’s mouth is gaped open and his eyes are huge. When she’s done, he runs out and wraps a jacket around her, scolding, “this is a family show!” She asks where he’s been. “Honey, I been out with the boys!”

Ahmet is ready to announce a winner. The winner is…

Michael Copon! Wow, it looked like Carmine had this wrapped up! Good for Michael!

As balloons fall from the ceiling, Michael looks thrilled and his fellow celebs and judges give him hugs.

This show is now over. It is safe now to remove the toilet paper from your ears and reduce your medications to half dosage! We made it through! High fives all around! May we never hear Bai Ling sing again.

And, just to be thorough – but, can they sing? Not one damn bit.

Now that you’ve found out what happened and seen Sting’s thoughts, be sure to click over to We’ll Be the Judge of That! to see what the Foxes On Idol judging panel has to say.

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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