Dancing with the Stars, February 9: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Wrong

Welcome to tonight’s show! Last week on Dancing with the Stars, our couples performed the samba and a group salsa. After the votes were tallied, Tia Carrere and Maksim Chmerkovskiy were eliminated from the competition, and a lot of women everywhere were disappointed that there would be less of Maksim on the program. Tonight, the dancers must perform an individual dance and a group Viennese waltz. My faithful companion Yoko is ready and the music is cued up, so let’s begin!

Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris welcome us to the program and introduce the stars and their partners. Because the couples will be performing a different dance, we see demonstrations from the professionals of each dance, which include the jive, tango, rumba, paso doble, and quickstep. I wondered how we were going to fill 90 minutes of airtime.

The first couple to perform this evening is Anna Trebunskaya and Jerry Rice. We’re reminded that Jerry didn’t agree with the judges’ scores from the previous week. He vows to keep dancing, though. We see Jerry at the Super Bowl with Anna. He tells her that he loves his fans. During practice, she gives him a quarter to hold between his butt cheeks. Wait a second… I think I have a 20! Jerry explains that the judges are his inspiration to go out and be angry on the dance floor.

They are dancing the paso doble to a song I don’t recognize. Chances are, someone else danced to it this season and I didn’t know it then either. The dance starts out dramatically with Anna rotating a cape around her head the same way Drew did when he performed the paso doble. During the performance, the couple makes its way to the judges’ table and dances in front of it. Jerry really expresses a lot of emotion in the dance through his facial expressions and actions. He certainly is passionate tonight. The dance ends with him tossing Anna to the floor.

Len Goodman begins with his critique. He says that Jerry got into character, but nothing made Len jump up and down. Everyone boos. Bruno Tonioli tries to speak, but he is reminded that it isn’t his turn. Shameful. Carrie Ann Inaba tells Jerry that he did an incredible job; it was fantastic. Now, back to Bruno. He says it was like Moses parting the Red Sea. Jerry had great posture and did a nice job. Carrie Ann and Bruno give the dance an eight while Len gives it a seven. Anna and Jerry have 23 points.

Up next are Cheryl Burke and Drew Lachey. Drew tells us that his short neck is why the judges think he lifts up his shoulders; Cheryl works on the issue with him. Drew’s wife and brother (yo, Nick.) stop by. Nick wants him to watch the Super Bowl. Cheryl won’t let Drew leave yet, though. Nick harasses him the entire time.

The couple is dancing the tango to “Shut Up.” Hell to the no! Cheryl and Drew’s moves are very crisp and passionate. They cover a lot of the dance floor as well. They seem to take traditional moves and steps and add something new to them. Overall, it wasn’t a spectacular performance, but it was enjoyable and unique.

Bruno says that the tango is emotional and dramatic. He feels that Drew did the dance exactly the way it should be done. Len says this was Drew’s best performance yet. Carrie Ann says she agrees with the other judges… and he kept his shoulders down. Hooray. Tom wants to know if tonight is the night Drew gets a 10. Please. Don’t get me started on the perfect scores. For the love of… all three judges give Cheryl and Drew a 10. They have 30 points out of 30.

Ugh! I can’t take this. Where’s Yoko? She’s in for a long evening. Honestly, the judges are really turning me off with the perfect scores. Nobody in this competition deserves them, so stop handing 10s out like Goobers on Halloween.

Oh, and both Cheryl and Drew love Drew’s wife.

The next duo to perform is Edyta Sliwinska and George Hamilton. George says he’s using technique to go the distance. He also feels that some of the moves he has to make are a bit feminine, so he’s working with Alec Mazo, one half of the winning couple from season one (and Edyta’s boyfriend), to do them correctly. George curses during practice. He also flirts with Edyta.

They are performing the rumba to “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.” Edyta and George have props, but not in excess. As they perform, it seems to me that George makes the same moves each week. He does have some great facial expressions, but most of the dance belongs to Edyta. At the end of the performance, she pays him (in character). The routine was entertaining, but not terribly technical, in my opinion.

Carrie Ann says that George is a fantastic entertainer; there could have been more dancing, though. Overall, she’s pleased with the performance. Bruno says that the dance contained drama; it was like Dynasty. Len explains that he was disappointed; there wasn’t enough contact, but there was a lot of flatulating. Pardon me. Tom has fun at Len’s expense, of course. Carrie Ann and Bruno give George an eight while Len gives him a seven. His total score is 23. Okay, I’m not holding back this evening. While Jerry is far from perfect, there is no way that he should receive the same score as George. Jerry moves more and puts more into his performances than George does. These judges are killing me.