Coral’s Casting Couch: A First Look at The Real World Key West

We begin our preview of the 17th – yes, 17th – season of The Real World with a preview special hosted be the lovely Coral of Back to New York. She introduces the other alumni with her. There is Willie from Philadelphia, Cameran from San Diego, Lacey and Wes from Austin, and Steven from Las Vegas. Coral asks for Lacey and Wes’ advice on how to get on the show. Lacey says to be yourself and Wes says to pray to get lucky.

Coral introduces the first cast member. This cast member says that up until the age of 15, if someone read her diary, they would think she was planning on killing her parents. Let’s meet Svetlana! She was born in Odessa, Ukraine, and is Jewish. She says that when people hear she’s Russian, they automatically assume she’s Roman Catholic. Or Christian. She doesn’t know. Oh, boy. She gives us a dry erase board presentation on why they should pick her. The first is that she has “Tig Ol’ Biddies.” Her breasts are real and she jiggles them to let us all know. Number two is that she is a drama queen, and it also says so on her shirt. She’s a big bitch. She says men are her pets. She says she’s desperate and she wants to make friends. Well, my advice to Svetlana is to stop being a bitch and a drama queen and also to stop treating men like her pets.

Coral says that she feels for Svetlana because hers are real, too. Cameran decides to cop a feel. Wes says she has no idea what her culture is.

Coral introduces the next person as someone who says he is so outgoing, he has never met a stranger. She identifies the irony with the fact that he will be living with six strangers. I’ve never met him either, so there. We meet Jose. His eyebrows bother me. In his tape he shows us the house he bought, and the house next door that was his investment. He just broke up with his girlfriend of five-and-a-half years. Even more interesting is that he has a show dog, a boxer.

Coral asks if Jose is hot. Willie says yes, but he is bothered by the eyebrows as well. Coral asks Wes if he thinks Jose will be a peacemaker or a troublemaker. Wes says, “No way, because Latinos can’t be peacemakers.” Coral goes off on him, saying that he can’t say that.

We move on to John. He’s played sports and girls. He says if someone f***s with him, they better watch out. He’s been in love once. He doesn’t like doing one-night stands, but he has done them. John figures that he has spent the last 18 years of his life in school, so now he needs time to take a break and see what he wants to do with his life. My guess is be a professional Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast member.

Wes is reminded of his own audition tape. Willie thinks the girls will swoon over Jose. Steven thinks Svetlana will like him but won’t admit it.

Cameran’s advice to the new cast members is that it is never a good idea to bathe with your roommates. We are treated to a clip of Svetlana and some guy in the tub. Wes’ advice is to not break anything in the house because they’ll make you pay for it. We then see grown people not know how to use a dishwasher. Oh, boy. Coral shows us that the Key West kids will have to go through three hurricanes - Katrina, Rita, and Wilma.

After that we move to Paula, who had two separate boyfriends for two years at the same time. Also she says when she parties she doesn’t black out, but claims to gray out. She has her Zodiac sign tattooed on her back. Unfortunately, it’s mine as well (Cancer). Paula tells a nasty story about when she was at a bar and didn’t want to go to the bathroom so she peed her pants instead. She says she cries a lot. She says she recently became kind of bulimic. At the end of her tape she pulls down her pants to her thong, where she has “Pick” on one butt cheek and “Me” on another. Oh, boy.

Coral calls Paula’s tattoo a “tramp stamp” and Cameran admits to having a tramp stamp as well. Willie thinks she’s endearing and relatable. He doesn’t think she’ll be feisty until Cameran points out that she just pulled her pants down. Cameran doesn’t think she will get along with the “Svet” girl. Lacey thinks she’s nice but exhausting. Cameran thinks that John, Paula, and “Svetty” will be the first to have a threesome.

Coral introduces the next person, who tells his parents everything and has a fear of getting fat. We meet Zach. His parents are clearly hippies. He struggles with his weight. He tells this strange story of how he has only had sex with four girls, and it was once each in four months. I think. Zach says he’s never been drunk or smoked a cigarette or marijuana, but people think he’s the biggest drunk.

Coral thinks Zach is a sweetheart. She asks Lacey, because she was mellow on her show and didn’t act slutty or drink too much, if it’s okay for a guy to do it. Steven is asked about the four girls thing, to which he sarcastically responds that this guy is “crazy!”

Coral introduces the next cast member as someone who says she never loses arguments, adding that “she hasn’t met me.” We meet Janelle. Ick. I have a bad record with Janelles. I was pro-Friendship. This Janelle is going to law school, but isn’t passionate about it. She is passionate about doing makeup. She feels as though she gets angry very quickly. She prefers to date black guys, and since she is biracial she likes to date within her race. Huh? She says that she’s a bit nosy. The same way Jo was a bit psycho. She announces she had her boobs done.

Willie doesn’t understand Janelle’s concept of dating within her race. Cameran wants to know what the deal is with the girls with fake boobs on The Real World. Lacey thinks she’ll be catty and thinks the girls will fight.

Coral gives us a fun fact that Key West was home to Ernest Hemingway, one of American literature’s greatest party boys. He did have, like, five wives and a mistress or two on the side now, didn’t he? Now MTV is bringing seven more partiers.

Our last roommate’s hero is Michelle Kwan and says his mom is the Judy Garland of Fargo, North Dakota. We meet Tyler. He says he’s good-looking, has a great body, is very intelligent, loves gossip, and loves to dance. He goes into all of this dancing jargon that will never mean anything in this season. He tells us that his hero is Michelle Kwan and every Christmas her dad makes a list of her flaws. Dang. I think “dropped out of the Olympics” will be high on the list this year. So now Tyler does the same with his friends. “Malicious” and “cold-hearted” were two words that popped up.

Willie is just happy that there is someone gayer than him, to which Coral agrees that he is 100% gayer.

Coral asks some round robin questions. Who will get the most action? Most say John, but Cameran says Svetlana. Who will hook up with each other? Coral offers Svetlana and Lacey says “everyone.” Cameran wants one of the girls to get pregnant. Lacey says that Janelle should get pregnant with a white man’s baby.

Montage. Svetlana dances on a bar. Jose pukes. Svetlana dances on a bar. Paula freaks out. Someone gets naked. Tyler makes out. Hurricanes hit. Svetlana wants to go home. Janelle and Jose fight. John and Paula fight. Svetlana and Zach fight. Paula calls Svetlana Russian. Paula doesn’t look healthy.

Well, the first episode of Real World Key West will air February 28th at 10 p.m. EST on MTV. Hope y’all watch!

Chris Jakobi is not sure if he can take on as many crazies as there are on this show, but he is willing to try. Fan mail, hate mail or advice can be sent to cjakobi9@yahoo.com.

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