Survival of the Richest, Episode 1: More Chicken, M’Lady?

Welcome to Survival of the Richest, a new reality show on the WB network. It first airs on Friday nights and then is repeated Sunday evenings. In this series, seven rich kids (with a net worth of over $3 billion) will be sent to do poor-man’s work and seven blue-collar kids (with a net debt of $150,000) will be given lifestyles of the rich and famous. It’s sort of a combination of The Simple Life and Beauty and the Geek.

Wow, it’s kind of sad when you start describing new reality shows strictly in terms of older reality shows, eh? Anyway, let’s tune in for the fun, shall we?

First, let’s meet our players.

Jacob is a construction worker and is $35,000 in debt. He describes himself as a redneck country boy. Tracy has a job as a nanny and is $19,000 in debt. She feels like she is rich on the inside because she is a good person. Esmeralda is a store clerk and she is in debt only $1,200.

Jim is in debt for $40,000 and is a student. Johanna is a single mother and is $30,000 in debt. She only makes $400 a week. Michael is unemployed and is in debt for $25,000. He says that he just can’t get a break in life. Marcus is also unemployed and is $7,000 in debt. He says that he never knew he was poor until he became an adult.

And now, let’s meet our host and the show’s creator, Hal Sparks. You may remember him from such TV shows as Queer as Folk, Talk Soup, CSI, and Frog. He has a funny-looking rooster-cut hair style, just like contestant Michael. Could there be romance in the air?

Anyway, Hal explains that these seven players will have roommates in the mansion. They are spoiled rich kids. Let’s meet them via videotape.

Nick is worth $300 million and describes himself as a playboy. Liz is from a family worth only $15 million and tells a story about how gross homeless people are. Hunter’s family is worth $20 million and says that he has a sense of entitlement to class and money. He likes to make waitresses cry and then, when they are vulnerable, sleep with them.

Kat’s family is worth 989 million and she (bleep)ing loves having money. T.R.’s family is worth $20 million and the only thing that annoys him is when other people have more money than he does. Elizabeth’s family is worth over a billion dollars and she describes herself as a “daddy’s girl.” She also finds that poor people just don’t have the manners to act properly in public. Sammy doesn’t care where her family’s fortune of over a billion dollars comes from. Why should she, she’s rich!

The poor kids watching all this on video are shocked. Shocked, I tell ya. They can’t believe some of the comments these spoiled brats have just made. They do a fine job heckling the screens.

Frankly, I am a bit shocked as well. These rich kids are so far over the top that I start to wonder if they aren’t paid actors. I can’t believe that even spoiled rich kids are so far out of touch with reality that they’d say these things.

Besides, the top prize in this game is only $200,000. The poorest of the rich kids already owns 65 times that amount of money. When one of them wins the game, I expect them to use the famous line that Mr. Burns used on The Simpsons when he won a million dollars in a lottery or something – “Oh, just throw it in the pile over there.” Rich people are like that.

So, Hal explains that the blue-collar kids (henceforth known as the poor kids) will get to meet the rich kids tonight at a cocktail party. But it’s not all fun and games. Each will be assigned to be one of the rich kids’ personal servants during the party. The poor kids react with a bit of dismay.

Hal tells the poor kids to go upstairs, pick out sleeping quarters, and get changed into the servants uniforms provided. They run upstairs and ogle and scream at all the plush furnishing. Michael points out that the bathroom is the size of his whole apartment.

Soon, the poor kids arrive at the cocktail party in uniform. And then the rich kids arrive and are paired up with a personal servant. Liz is paired with Marcus. Liz tells Marcus that her bags are in the trunk of the limo and there are more in the car that followed them. Chop, chop.

Hunter is next up and is paired with Tracy. Hunter calls himself the “total package” and proves it by speaking in six different languages. Tracy rolls her eyes a bit. T.R. is next up. T.R. thinks that the dishes get cleaned and the beds get made by magic.

Kat is next. She tells us that she is the daughter of Reverend Moon, so she is used to spending money. Nick is next and is paired with Jim. He is proud of the fact that he is spoiled and arrogant.

Elizabeth is next and she is paired with Michael. She says that she is so rich that she could “buy your town.” She thinks everyone is just jealous of rich kids. Last up is Sammy. She is Afghani royalty and she doesn’t need to work and finds it to be boring.

And so the rich kids all start to mingle. Typical patronizing drivel follows. The rich kids kind of hate each other and hate the party so far. Meanwhile, the poor kids have never seen such an elegant party, It’s kind of funny to see the same tacky party from two different views.

The poor kids, however, are disappointed that the rich kids pay them no attention at all and barely even speak to them except when ordering them around. Of course, what did they expect?

On the other hand, the poor kids are not being good servants, as they pick food off the trays, drink wine in front of the guests, and hit on them. This behavior finally gets Liz’s attention and she thinks the staff were hired specifically to drive her crazy. She’s pretty close to the right answer, actually.