American Idol 5, the Grand Finale: And the Winner Is…

As the saying goes, the votes have been cast and the results tabulated, and, after 18 weeks, we have reached the final step in our American Idol 5 journey. Of course, it’s not as simple as that. This is, after all, the longest results show of the season, and you can be sure that there’ll be plenty of filler and fluff before Ryan reads the name of the winner. But it’s also the last show of the season, and once it’s over, we’ve got a long wait until season six. I say, let’s just kick back and enjoy the show!

Carrie Underwood opens the show singing “I Made it Through the Rain,” Taylor joins her and then Kat comes out. Gradually, the other Idols hit the stage. They’re all in white and in excellent voice. Wow, what a way too open. I am impressed already! The theme kicks in, and we are off to the races!

No need to manufacture drama this week! It’s palpable in the theatre and as Ryan comes out, the crowd is completely pumped. Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear are in the house for the festivities. Ryan tells us that an estimated audience of over 200 million will be watching from all over the world. Ryan asks the audience who it’s going to be, and the crowd responds. He tells us that there was a huge vote, but wonders, did we listen to the judges?

This leads to a series of Randy clips with lots of “Dudes” and “We’ve got a hot one.” Randy has on his cool blue glasses again and is wearing a nice suit. Paula’s intro is to the song “So Emotional.” We see her meltdowns, freak-outs, and “Love you, love you, love you”s, and then she stands and takes a bow. Ryan introduces Simon, saying, “And friends around the world, the ego has landed,” leading to the best of Simon Cowell, with his various hand to face motions. The background music is, appropriately, “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” He gets a warm response as well. I love Idol finales. Ryan gives props to Rickey Miner and the band and then we go to Birmingham, where the O’Donoghue twins are on hand to host Taylor’s hometown crowd. Lots of people have dyed their hair gray! Universal Studios theme park is home to McPheever, and Tamyra Gray will be hosting this crowd.

We return to the Kodak Theatre, and Paris Bennett kicks it off singing “We’re in this Love Together” with Al Jarreau. Al scats and together, they sound incredible. Paris tosses in a little scat of her own, and for 17, she’s got it going on. Great performance. Paula is up and dancing. This is astounding. Paris is a natural.

Now we welcome Chris Daughtry with his favorite band, Live. The lead singer is also bald. Chris looks very comfortable and the harmonies here are excellent. Chris is totally in his element and we have yet another outstanding performance. The crowd loves this too and I am left to ponder what could have been.

Ryan gives us a lesson in culture in a little skit called “Puck and Pickler” featuring world famous chef Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler. Kellie tells Wolfgang that she needs a little education about what to eat as she travels the world. She doesn’t want anything that’s live or that has eyes. She borrows Wolfgang’s glasses, reads the menu, but can’t figure out what escargot is. He tells her, and then she is presented with a plate of escargot. She doesn’t want to eat it and calls it “creepy.” Wolfgang tells her that a whole country eats it, and he more or less forces her to eat it. She spits it out and feigns delight. He tells her she has become an actress. Kellie gives Wolfgang a little lesson in how to pronounce Albemarle, and that’s that. Silliness.

Meatloaf comes out, all cleaned up with his hair cut. He emotes the opening bars of the song, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now,” and Katharine joins him. She looks as though she is about to cry. Something seems off, and either she’s really into the emotion of the song or is mad at Meatloaf. It’s rather overly dramatic, actually. Katharine’s in a totally different place, and this performance is a bit strange. We go to break.

Back from the break, Ryan has something to say. He tells us that they’ve auditioned over 300,000 people and that a lot of blood, sweat, and tears go into this process. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he says, “It’s time for the first annual Golden Idols.” Voiceover man tells us it’s the Golden Idol Awards, “brought to you by Coca Cola and Ford.”

The first category is for outstanding female vocal, and the nominees are Cierra Johnson (who auditioned with a totally out of tune “O Holy Night”), Crystal Parizansky (the tan girl who sang “Lady Marmalade”), and Princess Brewer (who compares herself to Aretha Franklin and sings “That’s What Friends are For”). And the winner is… Princess Brewer, who, Ryan tells us, was not crazy enough to come out and collect her award.

The next award is for outstanding male vocal. The nominees are Marlos Davis (who compares himself to Usher and Michael Jackson, and sings “Fallin’” with some bizarre riffs), Derek Dupree (who auditioned with “Shout” in very high voice with some bottom), and Dave Hoover (Crazy Dave who actually got a golden ticket). The winner has to be Dave! And it is. Dave comes bounding out, jumps off the stage, and then jumps back up on it again, leaping and twirling like a madman. Ryan is afraid to give him the award and has the requisite “pretty award presenter” do it instead. She is even afraid, and sets the statuette down on the stage next to Dave as he continues to leap about. Whew. That was weird.

Back from the break, we have more from Puck and Pickler. Kellie is presented with a huge live lobster and it scares her so much she jumps out of her chair. She calls it gross and watches it as it crawls around on the table. Wolfgang keeps holding it up, and she pokes at it with a fork. She says that she is not eating it and the segment ends.