How to Get the Guy, Episode 2: Great Expectations

Let’s dig right in and not waste any time. Ward has been solid in the net tonight for the Hurricanes and we enter the third period with the hometown boys up by one goal in this seventh and decisive game of the Stanley Cup Fi… what? I have a show to write about? How to Get the Guy? It’s on now? But it might be the first pro sport championship ever won in the Carolinas and I’ve been waiting 20 years for this to… fine then. But I’ll tell you one thing; this is not the way to get this guy!

The episode begins with a brief recap of the events of last week’s premiere. A bunch of stuff happens and then the show ends. Meanwhile, the tension is so thick at the arena that it has settled like a fog around the players who are feverishly defending the goal mouth as the Oilers throw everything they have at the… oh ALRIGHT! Give me just a moment to dispel my testosterone and get in touch with my feminine side. Let’s see… first a little music to set the mood. Crowded House, “Don’t Dream it’s Over” should do the trick. Now for a glass of Chablis… nice. Let me just light these candles and I’ll be good to go.

We once again are treated to a montage of the sights and scenes of San Francisco as Fleetwood Mac sets the tone for the episode with “Don’t Stop.” The theme this week is, “Let Go of Your Expectations.” As if to underscore the concept, Michelle is shown chatting on the phone with her mother and ticking off a shopping list of what she expects in a man. He has to love the outdoors, have his career as a top priority, and so forth. Mom tells her she needs to lower her standards a bit and not wait for perfection. I’m not sure I agree. While we don’t hear the rest of the shopping list of expectations, I don’t see anything extreme in Michelle’s standards. Should she instead be on the lookout for a 300-pound couch potato who works part-time at the local Foto-Hut? Sure she’ll get a lot more action, but she’ll go broke paying her own way on all the dates!

Alissa, we are reminded, still has a tendency to play it safe by dating men in her own lifestyle circle. In case you missed the premiere and are too pressed for time to read my recap, Alissa’s circle is largely made up of fellow new-agers, Vegans, and Yoga enthusiasts. Kris tells us that she likes men so much she wants to collect the entire set. Well, not quite, but she does tell us that for her it’s all a numbers game.

Meanwhile, JD and Teresa, our two Love Coaches, are meeting with Anne to get the dirty details of her date with Dennis. While they struggle to pretend they didn’t watch the footage from the camera crew that followed the couple everywhere except the bathroom, Anne tells them she had a great time on the date. “He’s a complete gentleman and made me laugh all night,” she tells them with a wistful smile. She admits that they did kiss goodnight but stresses that it was a fairly chaste little peck. Teresa grills her to be certain all the rules were followed. “Did you touch him? (Yes, she straightened his collar) Did you touch his arm? (Yes) Did you make eye contact? (Of course) Did you stick your tongue in his ear? (I made that up. Gotcha!)

Since we’re now about 5 minutes into the episode, it’s time to trot out some rules. As we learned last week, there are more rules to dating then there are laws in most divorce courtrooms. As Anne waits for Dennis to call her for a second date, she must be careful to:

1. Not call HIM! It’s okay to be desperate, but don’t show it.
2. Date someone else. According to the coaches there’s no better way to kill time between dates than playing the field a bit between “innings.”

Quicker than you can say “product placement” the four women are setting up profiles on Engage.com and window shopping for men. Of course, like anything else in the dating game, there are more rules to follow. If you’ve never visited a dating site, you might want to take some notes:

Create a profile.
Most dating sites have some sort of checklist for you to fill out that indicates some things about your personality and also asks for the traits you seek in a potential mate. In addition, you are allowed to post at least a couple of pictures of yourself. The coaches suggest that the photos should all show off a nice smile and that you should be alone in the pictures. “The one where you cut out your ex-boyfriend is definitely a bad choice.”

You also create a “headline.” This is the first thing people see when looking for someone to date. They suggest it be something that indicates a taste of your personality. Movie quotes are always a good place to start if you’re a film buff and Michelle decides to use the gun and Cannoli line from The Godfather as her headline.

As a caution to the ladies, the coaches stress safety. They suggest that the date should always be in a public location and an exit strategy should be settled on in advance in case things go bad. This is good advice, but I have a few suggestions of my own:

When looking at profiles take it all with a grain of salt. The checklists are all very generic. They tend to be top-heavy with traits like “good sense of humor” and “honesty” and you’ll see Michael Jackson with his original nose again before you’ll see something like, “I’m a control freak” or “I belittle women when I get drunk” in someone’s profile. People are on these sites to make themselves look as good as humanly possible and some even have professional photographers shoot their profile pictures for that very reason.