How to Get the Guy, Episode 3: In the Minds of Men

This week marks the midpoint for this summer series in which four women try to learn how to find love in San Francisco. As you might expect, some of the ladies will move closer to a serious relationship while others… well, that would spoil things, wouldn’t it? This week’s episode centers on the emotional hurricane of holidays – Valentine’s Day. If you’re in a relationship it can be the happiest day of the year. Men all over America will get a knee dusty while they pop the big question. Women will wonder if this will be the day he finally gets the courage to propose. It’s all so exciting! Unless of course, you happen to be single and without a partner. These folks are easy to recognize. They’re the ones saying the day is just a conspiracy cooked up by the floral and candy industries. They talk about how it’s just another day and that they don’t care one bit about it, nosiree Bob. Not them. No way. So which side of the equation do our Fair Foursome fit on?

Our episode begins with an intervention of sorts. JD and Teresa, the hardest working love coaches on Monday night television, sit down with Kris to watch the video of her latest date. Their goal is to teach her a new rule:

Trim the Fat

It seems that party girl Kris is a kindred spirit of Will Rogers -- she never met a man she didn’t like. We watch clips of her interacting with her date and the coaches “casually” ask her how the guy ranked on the interest scale. Kris ponders a moment and tells them he was about a four. They caution her about her flirting and encourage her to “Fear Flirt.” They explain that she only should flirt with guys who give her butterflies in her stomach. They tell her that if things aren’t working on a date that she shouldn’t be afraid to say no and cut the evening short.

To prove their point, they ask her how long she thinks she chatted and flirted with her date at the end of the night. She tells them she thinks it was about 15 minutes and is shocked to learn that it was actually over an hour. They tell her that being honest about her feelings toward a man is important because 30 seconds of discomfort is much better than giving false hope. They offer her some ways to get out of conversations politely and quickly. They suggest that she mentions she needs to see a friend or that she feels obliged to mingle with the others in the area. These may be decent ideas, but what happened to that 30 seconds of honest discomfort? It sounds more like an escape to me – a cowardly way of avoiding having to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling a spark between us. Let’s just be friends.”

The ultimate goal for Kris is to end relationships with men who don’t have the potential to go the distance – trim the fat out of her dating life. She vows to dump some losers and concentrate on the guys she feels more of a spark with.

Michelle is also out on a date – her second with Sean. They’re spending the evening bowling, and Michelle’s competitive streak comes out in a big way. Sean doesn’t seem to mind. She methodically kicks his butt while he cheerfully stares at hers through her tight-fitting jeans. He tells her that she’s very different from the usual women he dates because he typically prefers girls who are dumber than he is. He finds it refreshing, and she tells him that she won’t “dumb down” for him just yet. At the end of the evening they decide on a third date and draw close for a first… hug. The Amish have more electricity than these two.

After a brief break we come back to learn about Coach Event 3. Last week’s Dating Blind event was both clever and fun to watch so I’m hoping these weekly events will become the high point of the episodes. This week it’s:

Truth on Tap – getting inside the male mind

I’m a little nervous about this. How are they supposed to fill an entire segment on such a limited topic? The ladies arrive at a local bar armed with all the questions they’ve always wanted to ask men. The questions go into a big bowl and the women are introduced to a group of men who swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help them Budweiser. The questions come in rapid-fire fashion:

Do you think all women turn into their mothers? YES!

Does it mean anything if no gift is given on Valentine’s Day? NO!

Is a man turned off by a woman who has more sexual experience than he does? Heck no! Bring it on!

What can a woman do to show a man she’s interested in him? Make contact. The guys mention that being touched on the arm as a sure-fire way signal.

What is it with men and boobs? (Not much is said here. At the mention of the word most of the guys just stared wistfully off into space with smiles frozen on their faces.)

Do men worry about their penis size? YES!

What is the first thing you notice about a woman? Several of the men say it’s the eyes or the smile. One honest man simply says, “the butt” without batting an eye.

How did you know when you had met “the one (true love)?” There is much talk here about watching her interact with her family and the nature of chemistry.

Let’s cut to the chase here. The last time I looked in the mirror I was a pretty regular looking guy. If any ladies reading this have questions they’ve always wanted to ask a man and know they would get a straight answer, you know my e-mail address. I’ll rat out my fellow males in the interest of bringing peace to the battle of the sexes. Just throw your questions my way and I’ll tell the truth. I’ll even give you a freebie. You know all those times your man gets quiet and you ask him what he’s thinking? You will never have to ask him that again. I can tell you what he’s thinking. Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Men like to have some time to let their minds wander off on their own. The moment you ask him he gets a surprised look on his face, right? What’s happening is that he’s heard your question and he’s asking himself, “Was I thinking of something?” Now he’s trying to remember if he actually had something on his mind and he’s drawing a total blank. So in the future, when your man has that lost look on his face don’t ask him questions, he’s enjoying the emptiness of the moment. I promise you he’ll come back home before it gets dark. Many of you will think I’m trying to be funny here. I’m not. We really aren’t all that complex. It’s the whole reason we watch things like golf on television. What better way to think about nothing at all than by watching a little white ball roll around on a green lawn while an announcer whispers at us?