Survivor: Exile Island – My Big Fat Obnoxious Tribemate

Some of you may remember a show awhile back titled, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancée. In the show, a man was introduced to a woman’s family as her fiancée, and then did everything he possibly could to alienate them. What they didn’t know was, the man was actually an actor whose job was to behave as obnoxiously as possible. Then, there was My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, which, judging by the ratings, not too many of you watched. The show was basically a spoof of The Apprentice, although those competing didn’t know it at the time. The players were competing for a job with a make-believe corporation presided over by “Mr. N. Paul Todd,” who proceeded to behave as unprofessionally as possible towards his prospective “employees.”

If you watched Survivor: Exile Island, it seemed at times as though Mark Burnett had taken this concept and brought it to TV’s first competitive reality show, with Shane playing the title role. But what if that were really the case? What if Shane were keeping a journal the whole time he was in the game? The following consists of how Shane’s Survivor journal might read.

Episode 1

I started the game in a tribe with three men who were older, i.e. mature. So I did the only thing I could: Whine and complain about their work ethic, and go on and on about how badly I yearned for just one puff on a cigarette. HA! I never smoked a day in my life. I just had to have something I could get on their nerves with.

The producers have told me that my job is to be as obnoxious and abrasive as possible, while still staying in the game. We’ll see what happens.

Episode 2

Today we had a tribal switch, and I was picked as a tribemate of a young woman named Danielle, who referred to me as the “Cool guy with the Boston tattoo.” Heh. Eventually, I’ll find some way to repay her by calling her out in front of the others. It would be nice if I could form an alliance with her first, however, just so I could really confuse her later on.

Once we arrived at camp, I started complaining about the work ethic of my previous tribe. I wanted my new tribe to question whether or not they wanted me around, and make them uneasy with me from the get-go. After all, you never get a second chance to make a bad first impression.

I’m not out to fool just the players, but the viewers at home as well. That’s why I told the camera I’m 34 going on 12, which puts me at about the same age as my son. By the way, I’ve told a couple of people not only my last name, but my son’s first name. They apparently have yet to put two and two together, or they’d realize that makes my son “Boston Powers.” Yeah, baby, yeah!!

One of the first things I did after the switch was to start making alliances. I hardly know any of these people, but I took initiative of aligning with them, just so I can turn around and make them mad later. Aras, Courtney, and Danielle have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into. Of course, we four may as well be “Eeny, Meenie, Miney, and Moe,” because that’s about how random I made my selection of alliancemates.

I told them I don’t want to make it all dramatic and have us “cheating on” each other in a few days. Little do they know I’m planning to give them every reason in the world to cheat on me. I told them I just want to make the alliance and stick with it, but rest assured, the more they start to trust me, the more I’ll openly question the alliance and whine about wanting out.

I swore on my son’s life I would be honest with them. What they don’t know is, I don’t even have a son. At least Jonny Fairplay really did have a grandma. I’m told by the producers my “son” will visit me in a later episode, should I still be around. I wonder what he looks like. Anyway, just so my new alliancemates would be a little uncomfortable, I told them if any of them screwed me, I’d find them and kill them. If all goes according to plan, they should be thinking about now, “What have I gotten myself into with that lunatic Shane?”

We lost the immunity challenge today, which was the perfect opportunity to throw everyone into chaos, though hopefully not so much so that they turn on me. Earlier, I’d told the camera I hadn’t even thought of leaving the game since getting here. Well, it was time to contradict myself, so I told the viewers I wanted a cigarette, a coffee, and a big sandwich, as well as out of this game. In reality, I don’t drink coffee, and have never been a big fan of sandwiches. I also made a point of going on about how much I miss my “son,” and how stupid I was to do this show.

It was time for me to cause problems within my own alliance. I told them I wanted out, and Aras took me aside, telling me we’d have food and water by the next day; but the best part is, they have drama right now! Anyway, I kept feigning indecisiveness, and Aras finally “convinced” me to stay, promising to oust me if it doesn’t get better. Oh, it will, Aras, it will. We then went back to the others, and Aras announced I’d changed my mind and wanted to stay. I apologized for the flip-flop and made some excuse about dehydration.

I decided that even though Cirie and Melinda weren’t in my alliance, I’d rattle them a bit, telling them I didn’t care which one of them went now, because whoever didn’t go now would go next time. Courtney, my alliancemate, was already upset with me for previously wanting out, but now, she was just downright livid! I was, after all, exposing the alliance. Heh.

During Tribal Council, I told Jeff Probst this game was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and I wanted everyone to write my name down, citing “the mania of dehydration” and lack of nicotine. I even likened the show to a “psychotic bad idea detox.” Fortunately, my tribemates kept me in spite of myself, and instead voted off Melinda.

Episode 3

I told the cameras Bruce knows everything about everything and it grates on my nerves and I just want him to shut up. Hopefully my tribemates feel that way about me right about now.

Okay, it was time to really stir things up among my tribemates, and of course, get some more camera time. I saw this stump that no one was using, and decided to declare it my personal property. I plopped my butt down on it and started talking about it, calling it my “thinking seat.” Of course, the only thinking I do here is about how to cause as much conflict as possible while staying in the game.

Anyway, to my delight, the others followed my lead and started talking about the stump, even mentioning how they might want to use it themselves. I could not pass up this opportunity, and let my voice get louder and louder, to the point of shouting. I told my bewildered tribemates, in the rudest possible way I could, to get their own stump. Heh, like there’s an abundance of stumps on this island.