Who Wants to Be a Superhero, Episode 1: Reality Stars Assemble!

We open with a fabulous montage of hopeful heroes in costumes. The voiceover explains that we all have a hero buried within. At the end of the competition, someone will be rewarded with the one thing that money can’t buy: immortality in a comic book. The winner will also be spotlighted in a Saturday Night Sci Fi Original Movie.

Stan “The Man” Lee explains that challengers will have to show their inner worth to prove that they are true heroes. With that, we are shown a series of clips that reveal the upcoming challenges: rescuing a lost little girl, climbing a long wooden thingy, helping an elderly woman past attack dogs and into her home and, my favorite, rehabilitating hardened criminals.

In a voiceover, Stan explains that thousands auditioned for the show and that he was tasked with picking twelve finalists. Bring on the montage of insanity! Ice Bitch shouts her catch phrase of “Freeze, Mother-F---er.” A man reveals his super power is a hairy ass, a power that he didn’t know that he had until he put on his costume. A woman in a red costume, I kid you not, bares her breasts to Stan. This is wrong on so many levels. Showing your boobs to Stan Lee is like showing your boobs to Santa Claus. Or Andy Dick. It’s just awkward and he’s not interested. A sincere man in a black and blue costume explains to Stan that this moment is “the culmination of everything that I’ve done to this point.” I hope that his codename is The Supertool.

Just as quickly as it began, the auditions are over. Stan explains that the twelve finalists have been driven to a secret location. One by one, they exit a limousine and are introduced to us.

Major Victory (Chris Watters) is a 38-year-old disc jockey. He reveals that he has made “a lot of mistakes” in life and leads with a great example: he used to be an exotic dancer. My wife and I found this revelation hysterical. He totally killed our buzz by explaining that he would like to use this opportunity to impress his daughter and improve their relationship.

Cell Phone Girl (Chelsea Weld) is a 22-year-old interior designer. She leads with the obvious statement that she “loves cell phones.” That is the full extent of her origin story. That’s it. Sadly, it still beats Speedball’s.

Nitro G (Darren Passarello) is a 19-year-old college student. He works in a comic book store part-time and proclaims it the “coolest job ever” (and with the exception of male exotic dancer, he’s right). He admits that he is obsessed with comic books.

Fat Momma (Nell Wilson) is a 42-year-old single mother. Her kids inspired her to be a hero on the show and she wants to prove to them that you can be happy, even if you are overweight. She vows to rid the world of bullies.

Tyveculus (E. Quincy Sloan) is a 34-year-old fire captain. He explains that his three young sons are his motivation to be on the show. Secretly, I hope that he is eliminated early as his codename is almost as awkward to type as G’Nort’s.

Iron Enforcer (Steel Chambers… seriously… Steel Chambers) is a 35-year-old bodyguard. From the get-go, he is completely in character and taking this very, very seriously. Apparently, one of his super-powers is a complete immunity to irony. This guy either wants to be Wolverine or should really be a villain.

Monkey Woman (Mary Votava) is a 28-year-old real estate investor. She explains that this is an opportunity to use some of her more “obscure talents.” These talents include “climbing trees and monkey screeching.” Monkey screeching. Obscure talent. Monkey screeching. Awesome.

Levity (Tobias Trost) is a 32-year-old toymaker that understands what it’s like to be an outsider. He goes on to explain that he is gay and would like to be a role model for kids.

Creature (Tonya Kay) is a 25-year-old auto mechanic. She explains that she is a “raw foodist” and drives a vegetable oil car. Perhaps she should have gone with the codename “Phisher” or “Tori Amos.”

Rotiart (Jonathan Finestone) is a 27-year-old business owner and a “huge Stan Lee fan.” He instantly reminds me of Kevin Smith in a superhero costume.

Feedback (Matthew Atherton) is a 34-year-old software engineer. He explains that after his father died, Stan Lee’s heroes became his role models. He explains that the opportunity to be one of Stan’s superheroes is the culmination of his life. He even quit his job to be a challenger when he couldn’t get time off. It is at this moment that I feel guilty for calling him The Supertool earlier in this recap.

Lemuria (Tonatzin Mondragon) is a 30-year-old property manager. She explains that Stan allowed the Sci Fi website fans to choose the final contestant and the fans chose her. In a mind-blowing coincidence, her low-cut costume provides a clear view of her Wonder Breasts. God bless the Internet.

We witness the challengers interacting with one another. Creature makes jokingly flirtatious comments about some of the male heroes. Major Victory skirts death when he makes a lame joke about the Iron Enforcer’s arm phallus. The heroes break into an impromptu dance party and are eventually interrupted by Stan via live video feed. Amusingly, Stan appears genuinely PO’d by their behavior and chastises them, reminding them of why they are part of this challenge. It’s kind of like watching your grandfather yell at Robin and Kid Flash for scratching the felt on the pool table.

Stan explains that the challengers are being moved to a secret location: 11400 Willow Street. They are to commit the address to memory. Stan admonishes them to not write it down. I paused the Tivo and immediately typed out the address because, apparently, I’m evil. The heroes are transported by a stretch Hummer with interior neon lights. Eventually, they arrive at a rundown warehouse in the slums. The Modok-inspired bodiless satellite feed of Stan reveals that there is a spy in their midst and someone will be going home. If you happen to know who Modok is, we should get together for lunch. We’d probably get along.

At Stan’s request, Rotiart reveals that his name spelled backward is traitor! He has been secretly taping all of the heroes since their arrival. There are three that he finds particularly lacking, and he provides video clips of the offenders. Levity boasted that the show may be a good springboard for his real job, creating expensive custom action figures. Creature was very flirtatious with the male heroes and declared that she and Major Victory would have to go clubbing. Iron Enforcer spoke of killing people with his arm phallus. In a particularly creepy moment, he spoke of traveling to the Middle East after he leaves the house.

In the end, Stan singles out Levity and eliminates him from the competition. Making matters worse for Levity, he must deposit his costume in a metal trashcan (not unlike a pivotal moment in Amazing Spider-Man #50, titled “Spider-Man No More”). Is my comic book knowledge sexy?