‘The One’ Is Done

Last week, the judges realized that no one believed them when they told us their contestants were awesome, so they unleashed a can of whoop-ass on the contestants. Backstage, they told the contestants they were fake (Syesha and Aubrey), had no rhythm (Nick and Jeremiah), and couldn’t sing on pitch (Scotty and Adam). Oh, and that they were fat (Austin and Scotty). This seemed like a better start, at least in the sense of entertainment value.

Alas, many of the contestants still could not get it together for the performances last Tuesday, and we were treated to horrendously off-key singing (Adam), egotistical ranting/singing at the judges (Adam), no-range wailing (Adam), and “I’m in a terrible amount of pain from being tortured” faces (no, not mine, Adam).

Just as Judge Commando Mark busted out his heart for Syesha on Tuesday, Nick busted out some big news for Drama Queen Aubrey on Wednesday. Now even I, dear readers, was not expecting something this shocking; George’s constant lisped promises of something shocking/dramatic/awesome to come had only led, in the past, to disappointment. Yet Nick’s announcement that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant, whispered to Aubrey while peering from behind a curtain, was truly fantastic…

…mostly for the dramatics that followed. Aubrey interviewed that her heart had been trampled. Trampled! She will never love or trust again! Aubrey pouted. Aubrey cried. Aubrey improvised a song about her feelings to sing to Nick right after hearing the news! Aubrey vented to the other contestants, sure they would support her trampled heart, which had been crushed by Nick’s perfidy after she had loved him for two entire weeks, you guys. Two effing weeks.

And then, Drama Queen Aubrey broke out pure gold. She smashed her guitar. Honestly, I have no idea how the other contestants held it together when they showed this on air. I would have died laughing.

In any case, the choice came down to DQ Aubrey and Can’t-Sing (no, for real) Adam. Even though Adam literally physically is not capable of singing, despite various protests to the contrary, the other contestants had had enough of DQA and her smashing of guitars. Especially Jackie, who was already pissed at not being the center of attention. Jackie cast the final vote, making Aubrey the second and last person voted off the show.

Wait – last, you say?

Oh yes, I do say. Or write. The Reality TV Gods have heard our prayers, and ABC has finally cancelled the craptacular disaster known as: The One. Despite their hopes, it was not their American Idol; indeed, quite the opposite.

Of course, The One’s cancellation was not a record. The Will of a few seasons ago was cancelled after only one (truly disgusting – yes, I watched) episode. Hey, even outside the world of reality TV, Emily’s Reasons Why Not was cancelled in the middle of the first episode. And this was after an embarrassingly conspicuous advertising campaign that including papering concrete poles in the Times Square subway station in NYC with pictures of Heather Graham.

Yet in one way, The One’s name made sense. It certainly wasn’t in the way ABC originally intended – ABC has given no word on how (or, indeed, if) the “one” winner will be chosen. However, the show was “the one” in one very special way – it was the one lowest rated reality premier on a network. Ever. In the history of TV. And the numbers? They just got worse as the show continued.

Indeed, ABC has been quite closed-lipped about the cancellation, no doubt in rightfully-earned embarrassment. Variety reported the cancellation last Thursday, while ABC released no announcement. They preferred a more low-key style. On Friday, this note appeared on the official website for The One:

“There are no plans for additional episodes. Thanks to all who participated in and supported The One!”

HA HA HA! Okay, I’m sorry, but most failed major network reality shows are shunted off to a cable channel. NBC’s go to Bravo; ABC’s often go to ABC family. But The One is going nowhere. It is that bad, y’all.

What I really want, though, is to hear from the contestants about the cancellation. Maybe Aubrey. Or no, you know who I really, really want to hear from? Jackie. I would be willing to bet Jackie is royally pissed that she is not going to be star.

So any contestant (especially Jackie), who is majorly pissed, or even minorly disgruntled, that the show got cancelled is more than welcome to contact me to vent. Does this violate your contract? Was someone guaranteed the recording contract prize, or was there an escape clause in case of cancellation? Are they going to somehow choose a winner? How? Inquiring minds want to know!

So call me, Jackie! I think you’re really pretty! Way prettier than Aubrey! And you don’t even smash guitars over two week old love affairs that end because of pregnant ex-girlfriends!

Lindsay is currently a law school student in NYC. She has been addicted to reality TV ever since the first season of Survivor, much to the horror of her friends who are forced to listen to her endless theories and behind the scenes information about shows they don’t watch. You can email Lindsay at lindsayr28@yahoo.com.

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