Who Wants to Be a Superhero, Episode 4: Secret Lives of Superheroes

Welcome back, True Believer! Are you ready for another epic episode of the most pulse-pounding reality show on television? Hold onto your capes, because here we go!

This week’s episode opens with Stan Lee and an unseen narrator explaining the show’s premise. They declare that we all have a hero buried within. At the end of the competition, someone will be rewarded with the one thing that money can’t buy: immortality in a comic book. The winner will also be spotlighted in a Saturday Night Sci Fi Original Movie.

Stan provides an overview of the series so far, starting with the observation that Fat Momma is the most nurturing of the heroes. Stan comments that Major Victory lends humor to the team. Iron Enforcer turned on the team, becoming their greatest enemy. Following the secret identity challenge in a local café, Monkey Woman was sent back to the Savage Land. The team’s courage was tested during a challenge in which they had to rescue a young lady from a burning building. When asked to nominate one another for elimination, Tyveculus proved the least self-sacrificing and was sent back to ancient Rome. By the end of the previous episode, emotions were running high, arguments were breaking out, and Trichelle from The Real World was sleeping with everyone (lie).

The team starts their day patrolling the streets of Los Angeles. Creature makes a litterbug clean up his trash while a gaggle of men ogle her. Unfortunately, once her good deed is done, Creature skips across the street in fantastic jaywalking action. Meanwhile, Feedback redirects pedestrians to safety and blocks children from a storefront full of bras (Lemuria’s kryptonite). Fat Momma chastises a traffic officer for parking in a loading zone, pointing out his wanton hypocrisy. To his credit, the officer takes it all in stride and offers up a friendly laugh. Then he shoots Feedback (lie). Lemuria yells to a turning driver to use his blinker. To be fair, he may have been distracted by the buxom superheroine jumping up and down on the sidewalk. Major Victory shares that he wants to make his daughter proud following his career as a stripper. To prove his good intentions, he lays his cape down on the sidewalk (I suppose to cover a puddle) and escorts elderly women across the street.

Their morning of good deeds complete, the team returns to the lair where Stan reveals that he was watching everyone in action. The Dark Enforcer, like a freaky satellite Mini Me, pops up on a slightly smaller monitor below the Ever-Present Floating Monitor of Stan (E-PFMoS, to keep things simple). The Enforcer delights in telling the heroes that he has interviewed their friends and family and uncovered a number of disturbing facts. Making the whole monitor thing even MORE (unintentionally?) comical, the Enforcer directs our heroes to a monitor behind him! That’s right, the television audience watches the heroes watch a monitor within a monitor. At this point, I make an M.C. Escher joke that receives a whisper of polite laughter from Mrs. Wasser. Oh, well… they can’t all be hits.

Creature’s friend is up first, revealing that Creature once threw “some stuff” into a hotel fountain. Stan accuses Creature of being hypocritical about her environmental message.

Up next is Feedback’s wife, sharing that he is a messy slob at home. The camera pulls back to display his home office, which is a cluttered mess. Stan asserts that kids look up to superheroes and an inconsiderate slob is not a good role model. Feedback earnestly admits that this is true.

Fat Momma’s, um, momma is up next. Fat Gramomma reveals that her daughter has attempted and failed multiple diets throughout her life. Stan points out that Fat Momma’s message has been to accept one’s weight and physique. FM calmly explains that people can diet and change their bodies if they are unhappy. While things may have been different earlier in her life, she is truly happy with who she is now. Another small piece of my soul falls in love with Fat Momma and I imagine hanging out with her on Sunday mornings, drinking coffee and reading the paper. Maybe we would make waffles.

Major Victory’s ex-coworker goes into details about MV’s stripping days, dubbing him Thong Man. Major Victory stands, raises his cape and points out that his shorts completely cover his backside. When Major Victory threatens the Dark Enforcer, the Enforcer shakes a dollar bill at him. Major Victory knocks himself unconscious lunging for the dollar (lie).

Lemuria’s friend reveals that Lemuria regularly uses her sex appeal to lure men, including dancing on table tops. Lemuria admits to Stan that this may not be typical superhero behavior and then kind of trails off. To protect the journalistic integrity of this website, I should point out that I first laid eyes on Mrs. Wasser when she was dancing on a tabletop with one of my fraternity brothers. I have nothing but respect and admiration for tabletop dancing women. I’m completely cool with male strippers, too, for that matter. It’s elementary school teachers that I hate. Dirty, thieving elementary school teachers.

Stan announces that it is time for elimination. He starts by lamenting that Major Victory’s stripper history keeps coming up and points to MV’s taking off his cape while assisting the elderly women. Given that MV was merely being chivalrous, Stan’s point strikes me as a bit of a Reed Richards. Stan muses that Fat Momma may not be as satisfied with her weight as she led everyone to believe. He believes that Creature may be hypocritical about the environment and may, in fact, be a closet litterbug. On top of that, she jaywalked earlier in the day, breaking the law. In the end, Stan declares that Creature must leave the lair. All four of her teammates offer hugs before she throws her costume into the Oscar the Grouch Trash Can of Lightning and Disappointing Amount of Smoke Effect.

During her exit interview, Creature explains that she wanted to introduce a massive audience to a new kind of superhero. She is confident that she has accomplished her goal. Or something. I was staring at her abs, which made it kind of hard to hear.