Celebrity Fit Club 4, Episode 4: Melting Down the Pounds

Welcome back, weight loss watchers! In case you missed the show, didn't catch the rather thorough opening teaser, or just want to relive the entire exhausting experience, I have the recap of the most dramatic episode in Celebrity Fit Club history. Bigger than Jeff Conaway's meltdown last season. Bigger than... well, I didn't actually watch the first two seasons, so I'm not familiar with their drama moments. Anyway, I am currently staying at my mother's house, and she has DVR! This is the first time using it for me, so let's hope it works out for me. And now that I have a pretty good paying job (don't worry, I won't leave RNO yet), maybe I'll buy a DVR in the near future for my own place, should it be a blessing.

The show starts at Fit Camp on Day 42. ANT announces that with both teams at a dead heat, the teams will undergo the infamous team switch. The chubby celebs have to vote for the teammate they would most like to get rid of. Everyone has to write a name down, and the name cannot be their own. As in previous seasons, the weight lost in previous weigh-ins will count toward the original team, but all future weigh-in results will count toward the new team.

The FatCrushers in blue are the first to reveal. Angie Stone votes for BoneCrusher, per his request. Nick Turturro votes for Erika Eleniak because the red team "needed the help." Ah, the old "stab your teammate in the back and bandage it quickly" technique. Nice! Erika votes for Nick so he and Vincent Pastore could get along well together. Since no ties are acceptable and BC cannot vote for himself, the captain's decision is the only one that counts. Sure enough, BC votes for Angie, and even though everyone receives a vote, Angie receives Captain HeartCrusher's vote and will join the red team.

Chili Con Carnie follows with Tina Yothers revealing first. She votes for captain Carnie Wilson, stating "no reason." Ted Lange also votes for Carnie. Captain Carnie is upset about the prospect of losing her team. Ted believes it is a trade-off, as he thinks Angie and Carnie are evenly matched. Is that a good thing in this context? Anyway, Vinny votes for Ted, because "it ain't gonna happen." First the instant bandaging, now the "rubber knife" technique. If you're confused by my terminology here, e-mail me at tjs_2001@hotmail.com and I'll reply with explanations. It's down to Carnie. If she votes for Ted, Ted is traded. If anyone else, she loses her captain position. Unfortunately, Carnie's card reads "Tina," and thus the head Chili bean has been removed.

Carnie leaves her team quickly and with much obscenity, while Angie takes the time to hug away her old team. ANT asks the new red team to choose a new name and captain. Vinny wants to give the captainship to Ted right away, but Angie preferrs to jump ship and walk away. She complains about being treated like "doo-doo" by Vinny, as she wants to become team captain. She feels disrespected by Vinny calling Ted the captain without consulting her or Tina. ANT gives the reds until the next day (Day 43) to decide, then reminds everyone that they still have a Fit Camp challenge.

Before the challenge, Vinny complains to Nick that Angie does not have leadership potential and "will not be [his] captain." I actually have to agree with Vinny here. Angie's little outburst wasn't very becoming of a captain candidate. What else isn't becoming? Smoking cigarettes. In the camper, the other ladies smelled smoke, which came from Angie. With a history of heart problems and a physical challenge looming, lighting a cigarette is just asking for trouble. Not for Angie, but for the tobacco industry, I hope.

Before describing the challenge (sheesh, are we ever going to get to it?), ANT tells the Fit Clubbers that the winning team receives a getaway at the Two Bunch Palms resort in Palm Springs. Harvey Walden IV gets the honors of spilling the horrifying details of the challenge. The teams take a two-mile circular hike on a marked trail at the same time, but in opposite directions. The first team to finish wins.

And they're off! I just love saying that for some reason. The blue team sprints out together, while the red team's Angie and Vinny trail behind Ted and Tina. Ted, who has led the red team to victory twice in the past, faces a new challenge with Angie on the team, going so far as to call her something synonymous with "female dog" and "Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth." Vinny is more sympathetic with Angie, having undergone heart surgery recently. Angie's problems only get worse, requiring a medic to step in. At that point, Ted is only worried about not finishing. Angie nags her team about congestive heart failure, and doesn't want to kill herself for Palm Springs. I agree, but if the prize were a trip to Atlantis or El Dorado, I would sell a kidney and run a 50k backwards and naked!

Meanwhile, the blue team gets stalled by their captain, who says he "wasn't normal Crusher." Hey, I like that. I'll call him Crusher from now on. The teams reach the midway point, though Angie is not among the reds. Vinny's drive to prove himself targets Angie while he passes the blue team. Ted, however, has a change of heart and focuses his energy on helping Angie finish. Tina's heart grows a little colder, however, and blames Angie's lacking performance on a lacking commitment to exercise. At the downhill finish, Crusher finds enough energy and spirit to run the remainder of the race, and the now-harmonious blue team wins their first Fit Camp. Except for Carnie, who won all three fit camps.