Survivor: Cook Islands, Episode 5’s Missing Intelligence Award – Get Your Phannie Back in the Fire

Fellow recapper Ken Kellam asked the question, “Is it okay to use sex appeal” a la Parvati? To which I had a very amusing (to me) reply that I emailed off. To the wrong email address. And I didn’t save a copy. Bah. So I recreated it for him and thought I would share. Bear in mind that this is just a pale shade of a whisper of the greatness of my original thought!

Reality contestants, especially in social shows like Survivor, should play to their strengths, and they should have multiple strengths. One such strength is Sexual Appeal Utilization for Survivor Advancement and Game Experience (SAUSAGE). Using the SAUSAGE method is a perfectly viable way to push forward. Indeed, playing the SAUSAGE can often send players that otherwise would be tossed by the wayside right up to the front (can you say Jenna “I’m pretty and young and how the hell did Ethan drop the IQ points to want to be with shallow lil’ me” Morasca?). So ladies, pull a SAUSAGE if the chips are down or if it’s one of your strengths. And gentlemen, toying with SAUSAGE is okay for you as well, and both parties could also toss a little MELON (Manipulation of Emotion and Lust for Overcoming Negativity) into the salad.

Touch upon SAUSAGE and MELON wisely, but do not neglect these viable strategies in the game of Survivor!

So if you can’t tell, I’m sort of typing for time here. Taking up space. Filling the void. Etc. And so on. The MIA this week is so blatantly obvious to me that I have a hard time not saying in one, quick run-on sentence, So-and-so repeated such and such and they are a dumbass, so they get it.

Let’s do a few runners-up first, though. First off, Cristina. She’s seriously beginning to annoy me. No one needs a partner to keep oneself from idiotically letting the ocean wash away one’s tribe’s food. You may be all that with the guys on the force, but in this game, you’re not even a bit of that. I’m beginning to wonder if she gets along with the guys just because they ignore her. She doesn’t act very straightforward and logical to me, which is how women who typically get along great with guys in work environments tend to come off. Women who whine, “I thought Jenny was here” as octopi float into the gulfstream aren’t exactly showing good traits, ya know?

Oh, and how weird was it to go find the other tribe? And then for Cao Boi to talk incessantly, then ask for stuff? Dude, that will hurt you at merge, I bet. They will be bored with you before they know you!

But the ultimate winner for this week’s Missing Intelligence Award is hands down Little Miss Send Me Home, Stephannie. While I saw her comment as innocuous, she’s already been in this fire before, just a couple days ago. I’ve had two-year-olds pick up strategy quicker! I didn’t give her the MIA last week because she worked her “phannie” off to get JP gone instead of her. But a second time? Sorry, Charlie. This trophy is for you!

Nate is the only one who voted for you last week, so why would you joke with him? You have some hinky Hiki love bond, but he’ll vote for you if he thinks you want to go. Thus, anything that remotely resembles giving up will be seen as giving up by him, and you should extrapolate that to everyone playing. It’s a social game. They will totally want someone to go other than them, so don’t give them ammunition!

This time when intelligence went MIA, you got the boot. Stephannie, come on down and claim your reward.

Until next week, where hopefully I’ll have ammunition, I’ll leave you with this quote which has no relevance to anything other than I like it:

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”—Douglas Adams

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Survivor: Cook Islands articles here on RealityNewsOnline:

Heathyr Fields Ford resides in Washington state with her exceedingly patient boyfriend, four awesome kids, two large macaws, and a harassed cat. She can be reached at heathyranne@hotmail.com.

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