The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 1 MVP and LVP – Dude, Where’s My Car Wash?

Martin: Supervising? From a ROCK? While your talent of moving your eyeballs in the direction of your teammates would undoubtedly be valued in the Trump organization, perhaps lifting a finger or two might be to your benefit.

I can understand your non-pushy sales approach – nobody likes a bully. But this is a competition, and one more sale would have pushed you over. I can forgive the request to go to the bathroom – everyone’s jokes go flat occasionally. Especially the Trump-meister himself. The funniest thing about Trump asking who did the worst at the winner’s benefit was the very forced laughter. The checkered shirt, however, I cannot forgive. That and calling yourself the “best Apprentice ever” for being able to deflect the blame to Frank. Oh yeah, drawing attention to a losing team leader, now there’s a challenge. Not like winning or anything. It’s a big red flag when you trail behind the rest of the group, talking, talking, but nobody hears. I do admire your snakiness, however. But even snakes have to stop supervising and dig lairs every once in a while.

Aaron: You’re cute as a button and look like you’re small enough to fold up and fit in my pocket. I hope your soft-spoken nature continues when you get more camera time. I also like that you referred to Frank’s absences as “good delegating.” That’s a great euphemism.

Tim: I like the fact that you weren’t afraid to take charge, either in setting the price points or in heading the sales force. I think that you’re too honest for your own good, however. What possibly could be gained by attacking Frank to his face in the middle of Tent City? The first rule of strategy is to not reveal your intentions to a soon-to-be-former-friend until your stab in the back will be crippling. All you did was create team discord to absolutely no avail. You made an enemy when you didn’t need to, and gave an opportunity for the entirety of the other team to hear your dirty laundry. Without your screaming match at Frank, perhaps Heidi would have pushed for Martin in the Boardroom, figuring that he might generate less friction. The proper thing to do would be to save all your venom for the Trumpster, and to have released it reluctantly. It probably would have saved you a trip to the elimination three. I worry that your NBC nickname is “the musician.” That doesn’t bode well.

Carey: Bonus points for being upfront with Frank about what wasn’t working and taking the initiative on the cardboard signs. You didn’t just note a problem to complain about later, you actually did something about it! That shows a kind of not-just-cover-my-butt confidence that is sorely needed on this show. I look forward to seeing more of you.

James: You apparently sold well, like Tim, but I have the feeling you’re the kind of person who smiles to someone’s face and trashes him or her to the camera. That’s a talent that’s going to take you right to third place in the Trump organization.

Steffani: Ooh, big negatives for comparing a backed-up sink to living in a third-world country. Here’s hoping you get dysentery! Nice try, telling Trump he should fire both of them. I don’t know if it made you any friends, though, and given Trump’s antedated views on woman, maybe you don’t want to be perceived as a witch just yet.

Nicole: How are you going to manage the chaos of the final task if you can’t face down a lizard? I hide my face in shame at the antics of my gender. But I do admire your ability to deliver a good joke with a scratchy voice, and the fact you were willing to diverge from the rest of the group and choose Martin to go.

Those were the only people who stuck out to me. So who does the Apprentice Goddess declare to be MVP and LVP for this week?

Congratulations, Heidi! I grab your delicate forearm and pull you up to sit beside me on my throne. You managed to get girls in high heels to scrub cars, and they still respected you in the morning. Congratulations on your first challenge win – the first, I suspect, of several to come. A long enough run, and Trump could dump the others and just hire you right around episode five. Beware false pride, however, as Amy from Season 1 found out: the higher you fly, the farther you fall.

And I wave my imaginary scepter at… Martin. I’m so glad you’re gone. If I had to hear one more old saying, I would have thrown my Trump bobble-head straight through the window. You have no self-awareness and no subtlety. Now we will let you be pelted with rotten fish.

Things I’d like to see this season on The Apprentice:

• Trump being hit over the head with a feather duster by Melania in a French Maid outfit.
• More Victoria Secret Commercials (hubba hubba!)
• Film of the Mission District and L.A.’s less prosperous districts. You can guess which of these items I think is least likely to appear.

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