The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 2 MVP and LVP – Sharks in the Water

Well, this reality television goddess may not have been right about the Victoria’s Secret commercials, but I think it’s becoming quite clear why the show moved to Los Angeles. A carwash is just begging for the women to slap on some wet T-shirts and have a sloppy suds fight. Too bad for the producers the Kinetic women realized their audience would be gay!

And if the bikini contest wasn’t enough, there we see the group hanging out in the Playboy Mansion. While I normally would enjoy the expensive show of cleavage, the cheap bleach jobs and picturing “Hef” with any of them was enough to send cold shivers down my back. The man probably imports enough Viagra to fill a third-world nation. Here’s today’s business lesson, courtesy of Mr. Trump: being rich is awesome. Be sure to write that down so you don’t forget it, kiddies.

I’m beginning to feel more sympathy for the tent-dwellers. I’ve never spent a week in a tent, and I do imagine it would be annoying. Especially the not having air conditioning or a fan part — I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to temperature. I wonder if they have an outhouse or if they have to go dig in the sand? They should be grateful Mark Burnett didn’t make them build their shelters out of palm leaves.

We found out the real team names this week. Kinetic makes sense, but Arrow? Come on, guys and gals, you applied for this show, so you should know you’re expected to pick team names. Those are the best you came up with? I get the feeling these names are a symbol of the “don’t-stick-your-head-above-the-next-stalk-of-grass” kind of thinking that’s going on this season. It makes me want to take a lawnmower to all of them, even if things get a little messy with the decapitations and all.

My names are better than the so-called “real names.” I won’t say anything if you don’t, capisce?

Team Hottie

Yawn. Even if I didn’t watch the show after spending five hours in flight going home from a debate tournament (in which we got a trophy that’s taller than the average ten-year-old, thank you very much), you would have put me to sleep. The only entertaining moment from all of you was when you pressed your heads into the bush.

Heidi was right. The swimsuits were not just passé, they were pâté, designed for people who wouldn’t be caught dead in a color that couldn’t be comfortably smeared on a cracker. I’m surprised the buyers bought anything, as they could probably find something equally attractive at a cheaper price. Take my words with a grain of salt, of course, because on Project Runway, I fell in love with Santino.

I wish we knew more about who designed what and whether the consultants ever gagged themselves to death on large, plastic spoons, but for the dull designs, the entire team gets a spanking. Bad dog, no biscuit.

Surya gets a few points for just being adorable in the runway walk. He obviously isn’t a model, and he didn’t pretend to be. Kristine did all right, too, I guess, since she didn’t fall off the runway, but I was too busy wondering who would say “that’s so me!” to a turquoise suit with brown stripes. The people who would buy that are the people who just grab the first suit off the rack — not the retailer’s target audience.

I may not like Marisa’s taste in swimsuits, but I do admire the fact that she does think about politics. The other team is self-imploding, but Heidi a) gets the credit, and b) gets face time with Mr. Trump. If their opponents keep throwing themselves off the proverbial cliff, Heidi is going to have a cakewalk to Trump’s corner office. If Marisa’s ambition outweighs her hatred of Tent City, she may try to throw a challenge. The trick is, will she be able to without making it obvious enough to get her fired? If she does, I’ll probably let her sit next to my Reality Television Throne, just for her pure cheek.

Heidi lost some tread this week by suggesting they focus on one-piece swimsuits. While I might like the fact that you can dive into a pool with a one-piece and not leave bits behind, it’s the bikinis that pay the bills. She must have changed her mind as we only saw a single one-piece on the runway — an ugly one at that.

As it is, Heidi made a valiant attempt to hold onto her position by protecting Michelle. From her eavesdropping, she knew that “the closer” is more than a cable show. Michelle is a source of conflict in the group. By fighting with friction, she undermined group morale and made it difficult for people to work as a team. Just like keeping Frank, keeping Michelle was a good idea. In contrast, Carey was too competent, too likeable, and too much of a threat.

The best moment for this team was the row of them pressing their ears against the hedge fence. Obviously, Tim hasn’t learned his lesson from last week. If he turns out to be a mole for “Team Hottie,” I’ll award him an MVP retroactively. As it is, he’s still acting like an idiot.

Team Dreamer

This team could have been as easily be called “team perfectionist” for Carey’s NBC nickname (though why Carey was named that when we didn’t get to see that particular trait in him, I don’t know). Even better, I could call them “team token black dude.”

Despite their loss, I think the team did not, indeed, jump off a ledge at Trump Tower. Or maybe they did, but with a bungee cord. On the women’s-wear side, I saw suits that I could easily see me or my friends wearing. The fact that the margin was less than a thousand dollars between the two teams with such small men’s-suit sales just proves that their women’s suits were superbly designed, comparatively. For a first-time designer, whoever did it, I’m impressed.

Of course, the line of menswear was a horrible, unbearable tragedy to eye and mind alike. Wouldn’t those… chafe? I think if someone had torn a certain seam before the runway show, one of those men’s suits would have been barely passable, netting them the win.