The Apprentice: Los Angeles, Episode 2 MVP and LVP – Sharks in the Water

For this, I blame Nicole. She just doesn’t seem like the leader type. “Motivating” people should be the job of the reward and Tent City. A PM has to be more than a cheerleader. Nicole did do a wonderful job of modeling. I think showing Trump a little more than your mental assets is a sure way to be good in his book. Mind you, while I didn’t view Carey as more forceful than a man with a plan should be, I think he did make it more difficult to stop the Carey Steamroller when he kept bringing up the gay market when people criticized him. I think he made it difficult to insult the taste of the suit without insulting the taste of gay men, which isn’t PC.

Aaron was certainly struggling with it, and he did come off a little badly on camera, in my opinion. I was glad Derek was on the other team to laugh at the suit because none of my gay friends watch The Apprentice, making it difficult to solicit proper opinions as to whether or not it would sell well in the gay community. I’m guessing for the most part, no, but then again, I don’t know any who spend half the day inside Gold’s Gym.

Trump is completely wrong about a pink men’s swimsuit, though. I think that a nice, subtle pattern or solid in something slinky as waterproofed silk, trunk-cut and edged with a black lining — now that would truly be FAB-ULOUS! I’d eat that suit right off Carey with a spoon.

Michelle did look less than loyal to the team with her unwillingness to set a price. She also may be a bit too honest for the show. She was right about the swimsuit, right about who should set the pricing, and right to stand up for herself with such vigor in the Boardroom, but she probably has mistaken “competent worker” for someone Trump actually wants to hire. If she wants to dazzle her teammates back into not hating her, she needs to go ovaries on the felt and demand to be PM.

So… who gets the MVP and LVP?

The clouds clear, and a single ray of light shines down on… who knows? All I see is a cloud with a gray face. I would give it to the designer of Team Dreamer’s female swimsuits, but since I don’t know who it is, my fingers reach through the smudges of mist, leaving strands of moisture that fade away in the blink of a glassy eye. $19,000 of female swimwear is nothing to cough at.

I thought at first Carey designed them, too, but if he did, I’m sure he would have mentioned it in the Boardroom ‘cause that’d be a pretty hefty defense. I suppose Heidi will have to remain beside me, for her skillful maneuvering from that padded chair, but mostly for managing not to choke at the Playboy party. For someone nicknamed “the hottie,” she sure looked green around the gills while being introduced to Hugh Hefner.

If it were legal, this week, I’d give a smack of my eternal rod to the show’s editor, who didn’t let me see any of the response to Trump’s suggestion that being a homosexual might be a disadvantage in gaining the Apprenticeship. Or maybe he meant Carey’s suit? It wasn’t quite clear. That and the not letting us see who actually did anything except for Carey. Also, for setting up artificial stories — if Frank is so opinionated and obnoxious, why didn’t he show up at all in this week’s episode? Why did everyone seem so happy he was back? And WHY in Karl Marx’s blessed name did they think we needed to see more shots of Trump’s trout-bellied feet?

But if I dared let myself crack the head of the editor, sooner or later I’d be breaking the skulls of everyone in charge of lighting and production values, and then we wouldn’t have much of a show, would we? I suppose I’ll have to dismiss the editor with a warning.

I’d whack Trump, too, for his attitude toward anybody who isn’t a straight male, but I’m afraid my scepter would rebound against Trump’s hair and knock me in the face. Does Trump really think he could pull off Carey’s suit? Carey couldn’t even pull off Carey’s suit. The paleness of Trump’s feet suggests that the “great body” he was referring to might belong to a vampire. I’m not in favor of tanning beds or smearing sticky orange lotion all over your body, but when you’re in L.A., your flesh shouldn’t look like the skin off a can of condensed cream of mushroom soup.

So instead, I reach my wand out to whack… Nicole. Carey at least stepped up and did something, even if it was something horrible. The only thing you seemed to do was avoid making anybody mad. There’s a place for cheerleaders on The Apprentice, and that place is in the taxicab. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to be unpopular sometimes, and even a blind person could see that Carey’s swimsuit was a rather unnecessarily painful mistake. Were you trying to get rid of a rival or just plain blind? Maybe Trump was right and you just “like to lose”? The Apprentice should not be about fashion, it should be about leadership. For this reason, I would have kept Carey despite his devastating fashion faux pas. Now let us whack Nicole with stinky, wet herrings.

Things I’d like to see this season on The Apprentice:

• Grand Theft Auto: Tent CityÔ
• One of the Playboy bunnies’ breasts exploding. Or, as my debate coach would say, “her bosoms.”
• The footage of Trump sneaking into Tent City by night to steal Carey’s swimsuit.
• Rhona the Secretary. I miss her almost as much as I miss Carolyn.

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Jennifer McBride is a senior in journalism at the University of Oregon. Her lifetime ambitions involve bigamy and a plethora of cats. Job offers and Viagra ads can be sent to her at vegetathalas@yahoo.com, though you should use the subject line “Not Spam” if you expect her to find them.

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